Middle-Pause Prompt

How do I Deal with Negativity?

I ask questions.

People disagreeing SHVETS on Pexels

Recently, I was thinking about whether I had any regrets I needed to address. There was one friend who disappeared after I wrote her a letter about her negativity, maybe ten years ago.

Negative behavior is difficult to tolerate, in ourselves as well as others. I thought a letter would be an impersonal way to deal with the subject, and I can say it certainly didn’t work, as it ended, not changed, the friendship.

I reached out to her, and her response was still from a very negative place; not about my letter, as we didn’t go over old business, but if there is a cup-half-empty and then let me spill the rest… well, you can see I go negative, too. Maybe that’s the quality of negativity one has to be careful about. It can be contagious. Some toxic relationships end for a reason.

I have learned that asking questions is a much softer approach, and that if I am part of a group, I take responsibility to speak up as a member of that group. Just yesterday, our chit-chat before the book club seemed to be ongoing, so I asked who the facilitator was for the day (even though I remembered). It got us into focus-on-book mode. A talking stick can resolve problems of the dominant member of a group. Someone can request a time-keeper with a set number of minutes, no more than five minutes a turn, then wrap it up in a sentence or two.

I think managing negativity requires equitable systems, with someone who takes responsibility for requesting enforcement.

If it is a friend, then ask a relevant question that may get away from the negativity: “Is this an area where you feel vulnerable? Is that why you don’t get a dog even though you want one?” Or ask if someone is just venting, or needs problem-solving. Or ask a bigger-picture question.

A friend recently asked me about an aunt of mine who was quite negative, because the aunt seemed oblivious to her behavior. I told my friend to give feedback only as far as it concerned her, but not to generalize, as she can only report back on her own reactions and feelings. The "When you do this, I feel this way" model of communication does not blame the other but explains your reaction.

Several things I have learned that help me deal with negative people:

1. Set up agreed-upon systems to address group dynamics and equity, such as a talking stick, a timekeeper, or off-limits subjects—no politics. I have also heard groups establish words (anything silly, like “barracuda” or “marmalade”) that require a change in subject or focus.
2. Ask leading questions instead of giving feedback.
3. Give feedback as neutrally as you can. “I thought you might want to know you have kale in your teeth.”
4. Needless to say, if you need to give personal feedback, take a person aside or to a private space to give it as neutrally as possible.

In the heat of the moment, one may need to stall. “Can we talk about this subject later today, after I am out of the heat of the moment?”

Gee, I wish I had followed my own guidelines with some negative people with whom I was locked in ongoing tension. I guess to them, I was the problem.