Do People in Love Grow Tired of Each Other?
“I mean, do they?”
Do People in Love Grow Tired of Each Other?
“I mean, do they?”
She asked…
Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash
A friend of mine recently approached me with that same question.
Do people in love grow tired & bored of each other?
Apparently she & her partner (of less than a year) had hit some sort of “brick wall” in their relationship.
The way she explained it to me — was that she feared “he” had grown tired (& bored) with her.
“How could that happen — if we’re in love?” She asked me, seeming genuinely upset.
“Something just feels wrong,” she said.
I felt a bit of déjà vu (remembering some of my own past relationships)… & I could tell she was hoping for some empathy & maybe also some advice?
So I pondered her question a for a minute or two & gave her my best opinion/answer:
My belief is that (yes) people in a relationship CAN grow tired of each other — but that people who are really in love with each other — probably won’t.
Photo by Oziel Gómez on Unsplash
I asked her how strongly she felt about her connection to her partner. Did she feel like they were both equally invested in the relationship? Or was it maybe lopsided — with her caring more & him caring less?
Was her partner maybe looking for a way out of a “temporary” relationship? A relationship, that she herself hoped would be a permanent one?
“Oh, I don’t know anymore!”, she said.
“I feel like he’s just not interested in doing anything with me! He keeps making excuses about having to work & seems to be always busy (too busy to see me) on weekends.
And me? I love him! I’m just so happy when we’re spending our time together”.
Photo by tabitha turner on Unsplash
Ouch! I thought… I’ve been there & done that.
I remembered being stuck & lovesick in a few previous relationships — long after my partner had exited mentally & emotionally. The only thing my partner hadn’t removed, was his “physical presence”.
He remained “put” — because he didn’t have the guts to tell me “it” was over & that he (in fact) was over me.
So I hung on.
Don’t just hang on, I told my friend.
Talk to him & tell him your thoughts & your feelings. But be ready to hear something you might not want to hear from him.
Even though YOU feel you’re in love with him — HE — may not in fact — be in love with you.
Photo by Michaela St on Unsplash
People who are “right” for each other, I believe, want to communicate their feelings & desires & are willing to do the work to make their relationship flourish & grow.
Those who are “wrong” for each other — don’t really have much interest in “talking things out.” The “wrongs” run off to greener pastures — to start over again (with someone new).
People who are mutually “in love,” will stick around & talk about whatever seems to be going wrong. They will want to make it right again — for both of them.
Two people who are mutually invested in each other? They’re ready (& available) to experience both the “ups” & the “downs” of each other’s lives.
That’s called commitment.
(Being in “it”for the long haul).
It’s a voluntary decision (two people make) to stay together & grow.
My friend (who was now staring at me with complete disbelief) managed to mutter:
“Well, who died & made you God?”
Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash
That’s when I started laughing…it was from pure relief — because I couldn’t believe I had that kind of advice (in me) to give to anyone.
It seemed that after all my failed relationships — I’d finally learned something — from all the torture I had put myself through. Something I could “pass on” or pay forward.
I’d learned (for instance) when something “feels wrong,” it usually is.
Trust your instincts, I told my friend. That “gut feeling” is usually a good warning that a discussion (or “time-out”) is needed.
Me? I was famous for making excuses for every guy I hooked up with. I was always so busy projecting what I wanted them to be like & what I wanted them to feel — that I ignored the (plain as day) reality of “who” they really were. It got me nothing but a broken heart — when (their) reality did not mesh with my “fantasies.”
Photo by MeSSrro on Unsplash
When people are telling & showing you who they really are? Believe them! I told my friend.
“Hmmm,” she mumbled.
“I’ve heard that before & it sounds like pretty good advice.
Thanks, I guess?”
She promised me she’d sit down & talk to her guy — the first chance she got.
And so she did.
She updated me a week later with the news that they’d split up.
It seemed that her guy (the one she thought she loved), was already seeing someone else on the side!
He just hadn’t gotten around to telling my friend yet. She’d made it so easy for him to “cheat” on her (by being both gullible to his excuses & not very demanding of his time) he wasn’t in a big rush to break it off with her.
Did he know my friend thought herself to be in love with him? Maybe? Maybe not?
Did it bother him if he did? I doubt it.
My friend took a while to get herself over this “wrong for her” person — but she eventually did.
She met someone new & layed down some “ground rules” that served her well. She shared some of those rules with me, namely:
-
Insisting on mutual respect for each other at all times.
-
Making sure that communication was two-sided & that she was not the only one sharing her feelings…
-
Sharing (agreed upon) time together as a couple…without any excuses
-
Sharing honesty & openess — even if/when it hurt(s).
I’m happy knowing my friend grew wiser, after her break-up with “the cheater ” I think she realized — that being “in love” — requires two people operating on the same “wavelength.”
I know my own experience told me, that people who are truly loved in a relationship, know they’re loved & feel it. Because the person loving them makes sure they do…beyond any doubts.
Now I ask you…Ain’t love grand that way?
Photo by Vows on the Move on Unsplash
Thanks (as always) for reading & sharing some thoughts or comments.
Has anyone ever asked you for “relationship advice?” Did you give any or did you stay silent? Thinking maybe it’s better NOT to get involved?
Inquiring minds want to know 😏.
Tagging a few other writers here on Medium that are always a pleasure to read:
(…& so many others…☺️)
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