A Gift for Grievers

Dealing with death

© Dennett ~ Ben at St. George Inn, St. Augustine, Florida 2019

I am still deep in grief. I miss Ben every moment. I function — unwillingly. Christmas was brutal. I was alone. I worked all day, save a 30-minute walk with Syau at noon. Funny thing is that Ben and I always believed that sharing our holiday joy magnified it; I guess that’s an old-fashioned way of thinking.

Since Ben’s death in May, I’ve searched for resources to provide a greater understanding and acceptance of my grief. My grandson asked if I grieved so deeply in the past when other loved ones died. I replied:

This is the first time someone I lived with died. I not only lost Ben, but I lost all of our routines and habits. I woke up on May 20th with a completely different and a very unfamiliar life. And I’m alone. Being alone makes it much, much worse.

People offer advice about dealing with grief, but most of them have not dealt with grief alone. It makes a difference when you have someone beside you, someone to hold you, someone to comfort you.

Since I have little comfort in my real life, I search for it elsewhere — in books, YouTube grief therapy videos, and podcasts.

Nearly every source has provided something of use, but Anderson Cooper’s podcast All There Is has been, by far, the most helpful.

Anderson’s father died when he was ten. When Anderson was 21, his brother committed suicide — in front of their mother. Anderson’s mother, Gloria Vanderbilt, passed in 2019. Sorting through his mother’s belongings, he discovered she had never disposed of anything belonging to his father or brother.

Anderson, forced to be strong for his mother, never dealt with the grief of his father’s and brother’s deaths. As he picked through closets, drawers, and storage units full of their things, he was overwhelmed with sorrow for not only his mother but also his brother and father. He started the podcast as a way to learn how to deal with his crippling grief.

[embed]'All There Is' online community Through 'All There Is' Anderson Cooper builds a community for people dealing with grief.www.cnn.com

It started as a podcast and became filmed interviews and an online grief community. I’ve gained more comfort there than anywhere else. It felt like a gift.

Readers on Medium recommended that I join a grief therapy group in my community. Other than groups for those with loved ones in hospice, the only groups I found were church-based, and I know from others who have attended those that they are either dating or proselytizing groups. One friend attended three grief groups at three different churches and was “hit on” by men after each of her visits. Another friend was inundated with church literature and phone calls from pastors and deacons. A third friend was stalked by a man she met in a group. No, thank you.

I also worried that hearing about the grief of others would intensify my sorrow. I think that, in person, it may, but listening to Cooper’s podcast or watching his interviews gave me enough distance to deal with the sad stories of others without adding more sorrow to my story. If you are grieving, you may, like me, find comfort there.

Each day is tough. Other than my friend Gina, I’m mostly alone.

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I read a lot. I walk. I do chores. I work. This is why I no longer write my “Photo-a-Day” pieces. There is nothing to write about. My life is very repetitious, and I no longer enjoy photography.

I grieve for Ben and for my country.

My future is uncertain. Will I move north to live with my daughter and her family? It’s unsure. There is so much to consider, and the cost of an addition to their home would be astronomical in their building market if they could find a contractor to do the work. Once Trump begins his deportation processes, there will be even fewer construction workers in an already tight job market.

The future of my country is bleak. I hold no hope of anything good happening in the next four years, and I have no doubt that many, many horrendous things will occur. The fact that the majority of voters want to destroy America is what depresses me the most. What hope is there for the rest of us? What hope is there for America? None.

But as long as Anderson Cooper hosts All There Is, I will listen. A new season starts in January — one thing I have to look forward to.

© Dennett 2024