I am the Loss of My Life

Our Beloved Summer (2021)

I lost the spark in me that will never reignite.

I miss the old me — someone so cheerful that it brought smiles to my loved ones, with no worries and judgements. I was once free. As time passed, I uncovered things that brought misery and pain. Just as anyone says, from pain you learn a lesson, and that lesson changes you.

I was purely innocent and was not aware of things I should have known about. Now, I know what others cover for me. What lies do they hide and what do they tell other people, for me, that is a mystery.

Such experiences executed the extinguishment of my being. Yes, I was limited — not to freedom, not happiness, but the spark in me. I was limited to moving forward with the “standards” and expectations. Not only that but other things hinder me.

I tried and tried but they failed to see it. I tried to fit in but it never worked. If I speak, I will be twisted. If I laugh, I am judged. If I ignored people, I was called “mean”. If I correct others and teach them, they do not want my help.

It was not enough and will never be enough for someone whose life struggled to fit in but is constantly judged by others for who they are.

I miss the old me. The old me was carefree and had a smile. Now, I lost mine and I do not smile anymore. I hated smiling.

At one glimpse, I could not recognize myself. My old self would be shocked at who they are now.

My soul perished and so was my light.

• My first written work about life.