The answer lies within you

Whatever you are seeking out there, you need to find it within

Photo by Alex Ghiurau on Unsplash

This weekend, I decided to binge on Firefly Lane. Tully had just done the docuseries on finding her father, and it was supposed to be successful, at least it was by the normal metrics. It was supposed to be the answer to all the questions she always had. A fix to it all. She convinced herself she had found the inner peace. But she was numbing. She throws this huge party to celebrate it all, but there is still the inner turmoil. Cloud tries to explain to her that she knows the feeling and the only solution is to go within. As an alcoholic, she had truly numbed and ran away from her life. Now that she was sober, it was much more clear. Tully does not have it. She goes ahead to blame her for messing up her life. Typical victim mentality.

I know this because I have been here. Not with alcohol, but I did the same with people. I got dysregulated in a way that I had never been before. I fell back to a child version of me. Literally, in the way I carried myself, my esteem, my worth. They were on the floor. I had the worst anxiety of my life, and I had no idea how to handle it. So I went with every fix out there. Anything to make it go away. I decided I was anxious because they were problems I needed to fix. There was just so much urgency to everything. If you know me, you know this is not my style. I almost don’t treat anything like an emergency. “Nothing is that urgent,” I have said countless times to people.

I did not go within to fix my internal world. I was just all over the place. Like a headless chicken. A clueless child. I needed to parent myself. To be the adult in charge of my own life; but I neglected myself even more. Believing all the crazy thoughts that came to my mind.

I understand anxiety much better now. I know how to manage it; thanks to therapy and I have mastery of my thoughts. You would think a 28-year-old would find this a no-brainer. And she did, at least the conscious mind did, but with the dysregulation, the subconscious ran the show. I was truly out of it. Not sitting with the temporary discomfort.

The work has been tumultuous. Painful to confront. I had hurt so many people. I was the addict. There is no rehab for this. Communities on TikTok have helped; this and therapy. I also finally leaned on my family, as I was exhausting the few people who were there for me. I felt so unworthy, so when with them, I spent all the time stuck in the past. Editing it. Very pointless! All that lay there was pain. Pain, shame, guilt; I could read you the whole roster, but let’s not go there.

I also ran away from my issues by ‘helping others’. Don’t get me wrong, I was indeed helpful; but I was still escaping my own. If I get invested in your world, I get to feel distant from my own. At that moment, nothing is wrong with my world. The feel good vibes were also an add-on. Again, external validation.

In all this, I am glad I kept my job. I am not out of the woods yet, but I feel I got it from now on. I have taken my power back. Out with the powerlessness. I am not a victim. I ran my life and it is a damn great show. An inspiration.

In a weird way, I am glad all this happened. For one, I know I will never be back here. It forced me to confront pasts I had been running away from for forever. They are now all resolved. Not a part of my story, moving on. No more wandering.

This is a reminder to you to remember your power. Guard it with all you can. No one can ever take that away from you. All that you are seeking outward lies within you. You have convinced yourself somehow that somewhere out there, lies a fix that will solve it all. It is within you. You need to fix your internal World. Pour in to yourself what you are seeking to get out there. I promise you are alright. You have everything you need within you. Do the hard work required and it will all be alright.

It will never make sense to me why this happened to me now. But I have made peace with it. That version of me is not my one definition of me. She was simply a lost version of me. But she is no longer lost. I am actually glad I finally hit rock bottom, even when I thought I had before, again and again. But this time it is different. I am truly back to myself. I know I am alright, all by myself. Anything else is a bonus. That is how it should be. Show up already full.

I may never truly make amends to all the people I have hurt. I am at peace with that. It sucks, don’t get me wrong, the regret and guilt of having hurt people you claim to love. But staying stuck in the past will not undo it. I choose a new hopeful tomorrow. I choose life. To moving forward. To thriving again.