The Black Dog

My name is AnnMarie and I am a Psychodynamic Trained counsellor working in Greater Manchester, UK. I post a selection of blogs on my website from time to time (www.dragonflycounsellingservice.co.uk) and would like to share these with more people via the Medium Platform.

Here is one that I wrote about the challenges of depression.

I popped into the Oxfam bookstore in Manchester at the weekend and picked up the sequel book to ‘I have a Black Dog’, so thought it would be a good addition to the reading and resources I have available in my practice for clients.

I am a bit of a book fiend and love to read, so I have to not go overboard with my purchases when I go into a bookshop! I have to admit, I am an ‘old fashioned’ book reader and much prefer to have the physical book in my hand. It’s not quite the same when you are holding a plastic device and swiping the screen in order to turn the pages.

However, I have had to be converted (forced to convert by my partner if I am honest!) as my book collection was taking up altogether far too much room in the house! I guess another positive from having an e-reader (many models are available!), is that it does not gather as much dust as several bookcases crammed full of books! So win-win on the space and cleaning front!

I do draw the line at my therapy books, study books and ones that I feel can increase and enhance my knowledge and skills for my practice. They are definitely in the paper form. Far easier for navigating to the chapter or section that you need to find, right!? I will concede and buy my fiction books on my Kindle. Not quite as useful for learning new knowledge. (Although, as my favourite genre is ‘crime fiction’, I do know about 85 different ways to kill someone!! :)

Anyway, back to the topic of today’s blog — The Black Dog, AKA Depression. I don’t know about you, but I do have a slight qualm at it being called a black dog, as I like dogs, so am not sure about them being linked to a challenging and difficult mental health issue! Dogs are cute, cuddly, loving, funny. Depression is certainly none of these!

I used to have a black dog when I was younger, the real kind with four legs and a waggy tail. He was the kind of black dog that I was more than happy to have! The other kind, the metaphorical one, I have had that too, numerous times over the course of my lifetime. Apparently, I have the ‘recurring disorder’ type. That’s a joy to look forward to!

Thankfully, much learning and therapy has meant that I have plenty of strategies to manage it when it does raise it’s black head again, and it does. Occasionally the dark times still come, but nowadays, I know how to manage them better and am also confident in the fact that they will not last.

That’s one of the things about mental illness and depression in particular. You don’t feel or think that it will ever end. The darkness completely swallows you up and you feel trapped, isolated, alone, scared and with a feeling that this is how it is going to be from now on.

But it doesn’t have to be, you can get through the dark times if it is something that you experience.

They categorise depression as ‘low mood’, what on earth does that mean! Low mood? Try absolutely, painfully, crushing, unrelenting dark despair. I think that may be more of an accurate description.

As with anything in life, there is a stereotypical view of depression. Cue the image of the person who has a really miserable look on their face; greasy hair; unwashed clothes; curled up and hibernating inside their duvet; rubbish strewn around and dust bunnies that are bigger than a 6ft Easter Bunny! I am not decrying this image or indeed mocking it, as for some this is absolutely the reality.

If this has never been you (and I am pleased if it has not), can you imagine yourself in the shoes of this person for a few minutes. Feeling so physically and mentally heavy and unable to do anything that is typical. The thought of having to drag yourself to the kitchen to make a cup of tea, leaves you trembling with dread and fear. Whilst at the same time, your inner voice is telling you how useless, unwanted and pathetic you are. Feeling so alone because you don’t want anyone to see you like this. You couldn’t stand the judgement because you are judging yourself enough to last several lifetimes.

What about those of us with functioning depression ( I am putting my hand up and identifying with this one). Those of us who suffer with crippling depression, intense negative thoughts, feelings that we were unworthy, unloved, unlovable, a burden, a nuisance, pathetic, worthless. Regardless of this, you get up every day, you get washed, you eat breakfast, you go to work. You function in society. You slip on a mask that hides the real you so that the outside world sees nothing more than a happy, friendly, content, functioning member of society. The person, for whom when they do reach breaking point, it ‘comes out of the blue’ for everyone around them.

For both representations of depression, the commonalities are there. If you are someone who hides away because they cannot face daily life, or if you are someone who puts on the mask and hides that way, both types are ‘unseen’. Both types are people who hide their true selves, who struggle to reach out and ask for help, who feel that they are worthless.

We all face times in our lives that are challenging. Difficult situations happen. We all lose people we love to bereavement. The current financial situations and cost of living is a real challenge for so many people. We all suffer from ill health at times, sometimes life changing illnesses. It doesn’t mean that depression is something that we will all experience. Absolutely most people in life will experience that low mood, those challenging times when things feel overwhelming. If these are short term feelings, then that it good, that is healthy, you have resilience and strength in order to deal with the challenging situation and move forward.

For those whose challenging times and low mood last far longer, it turns into depression. There is no rhyme or reason. You are not faulty or a lesser person if your challenges turn into depression. It is an illness, a condition, not a choice.

The choice lies with what you do with it. As hard as it can be, asking for that help, telling someone how you really feel, going to your GP, seeing a therapist, those are the healthy choices. Those are the choices that will help you to find strategies to work your way through.

It is a reminder for all of us perhaps, that the adage is true — we don’t know what anyone else is going through. That colleague who you sat and chatted with at lunchtime, who smiled and laughed their way through the conversation, they could be going home tonight and thinking about how to end their life.

I am not saying that everyone with depression will feel suicidal, don’t take that comment the wrong way. But for some people that is exactly where their depression ends, and it doesn’t need to.

What if, as a society, we were much more open to understanding depression. To not judging those who may have it. To making ourselves available to just be there for someone who may be finding things hard. To listen rather than judge, advice or minimise. To remember the fact that we don’t know what the person next to us is dealing with, so why not just be kind.

Kindness, compassion, empathy, love and care — the antidote to depression? Perhaps not, but it would go a very long way to being a positive support.