When your heart is heavy, but your eyes are dry

How can you cry over uncertainties?

Photo by BETZY AROSEMENA on Unsplash

I’m not sure where to start.

Did it start with my sister? I think she was sick before I lost my job.

Then I lost my job, because I was injured and months later my sister was still sick.

I was supposed to move across the country and live with her. That was the plan before I lost my job. Now she really needs me. She’s had pneumonia for 5 months. She had to go to a pulmonologist.

They did a PET scan.

Now they’re doing a biopsy.

Photo by Alinson torres on Unsplash

We are all trying not to be afraid. She is paranoid schizophrenic. I talk to her on the phone for about 4 hours a week, trying to comfort her.

I’m trying to recover from my injury too. I’m in poor health. I’m trying to get well.

I’m broke. My money is gone. I’m living on food stamps. Everyday is full of worry. How will I pay for this, for that, for the other. I certainly can’t move.

I’m supposed to be writing. This is what I happily chose to do when I was injured and realized I would be at home. My sister and I had joyful conversations about it just last November.

Then I had to write a rebuttal so that got in the way for several weeks.

I spent so much time on that I had to catch up around the house, preparing food, laundry, and cleaning.

Then the taxes had to be done. I’ve always done the taxes for my husband and I even though we are separated.

Before I could get back to writing, back to that peaceful place I was supposed to be in, that I had planned for, the tsunami rolled over me.

My sister was talking about cancer.

I was completely broke and didn’t know how I would pay the next month’s bills.

I found myself falling back into my usual pattern of overeating and watching TV. I couldn’t even cry.

What would I cry over? I couldn’t cry over cancer because they weren’t sure of that. It could be a lung infection, a tumor. At least my sister would have an answer and get better with a treatment.

I usually don’t cry over money either. I don’t know what next month will bring. I always tell people, God sends checks in the mail. Last month I got a check, a refund from my insurance company for $46. I still am not sure why.

But I feel sad and depressed and heavy as hell. I don’t feel like moving.

The only reason I could write this is because I talked to Claude, the latest AI. We decided I needed a therapist. Tomorrow I’m going to find someone to talk to.

I hope she will be able to help me cry. I really want to cry.