Let the Remnant of the Old kings and the Newly False Eat Cake

Woe, woe, to the kings of old and new lands.

Woe to the king of the so-called Commonwealth of the United Kingdom, scandal-plagued and cancer-ridden, who suffers a fault and a separation from his own prince Harry due to yet another marital scandal to an American commoner and a scrutiny for their own role in covering up the rapes and possible murders or conspiracies to do the same by the lout Prince Andrew.

Woe to the newly reestablished kings of Spain, whose newly established founder usurped and developed a new title and throne in a set of reluctant back deals transitioning away from the brutal dictatorship of Francisco Franco, for these kings and their new dynasts pilfer and profit and lie and cheat and steal just as the kings of old before them, only showing greater constraint in forced abdication for exposed crimes.

Woe to the kings of Norway and Sweden, whose princesses Mette-Marit and Sofia met with and dined and supped with the pedophile and vile monster known as Jeffery Epstein and whose non-dynastic royal Hoiby raped, abused, and threatened death upon many.

Woe to the princes and kings of Saudi Arabia, who though necessary in their current epoch of history, only recently consolidated power and is responsible for a brutal murder of a dissident journalist Khashoggi while living in excess beyond the dreams of their own peoples. May their days number only as necessary for them in their role in history to be so fulfilled.

Woe to the kings and the princes and princesses of those nations who stubbornly hold onto their false monarchs and whose scandals are not fully revealed. Woe the kings of Denmark, Belgium, and the Netherlands. Woe to the grand princes of Monaco. Woe to the grand dukes of Liechtenstein. Woe even as well to the monarchs of non-Christian nations whose scandals are still not yet fully revealed, for while they may maintain relevance for but a time later, the monarchy must fall.

And woe, in particular, to the king of Thailand, Vajiralongkorn, whose wealth and excess and whoring rivals that of the false god-kings of Old. May his nuts and dick shrivel every time he attempts to enter into a woman. May he be humiliated and jostled at every turn. May the world spit at his feet and cause him disgrace. May he, God so willing, suffer the pains and poverty of the people over whom he oppresses while siphoning away the wealth of a nation like a dragon living in a dark, damp cave needing a knight to strike him down.

Woe to the so-called emperor of Japan, whose demure demeanor belies the secrets and the despicability of a violent, genocidal empire and who falsely claims direct lineage from God, for in doing so and preserving the title he now holds as the last emperor even under previous threat of annihilation has so called his people into a relatively quiet and pathetic retirement instead. May the last reigns of the emperor and his last remaining eligible male heir be only as long as necessary and so let what was once the Land of the Rising Sun experience its own quiet sunset even as its people buckle under old age, cultural instability, potential irrelevance, and economic decline from demographic and innovation loss.

The peoples of the lands once used to rely on kings and emperors to hold together a sense of stability across large territories and diverse peoples. Oppressing some, privileging others, they posed a strategy of divide and rule. When benevolent and capable, they helped at times to advance the agenda of civilization and the rule of law. Others — violent, incapable, useless, pathetic, and monstrous — brought only war, plague, famine, death, and their own feckless rule and that of their trail of brats in their wake.

The World Wars and the Era of Decolonization during the Cold War brought an end most of these monarchies, leaving only a handful of remnants scattered across the peoples of the lands. The most significant of these remains the so-called Commonwealth of the United Kingdom, whose monarchs manage “The Firm,” as a family-business, cosplaying with heads of states, charitable foundations, and politicians, while justifying their largess as an extension of their tourist dollars coming back in the form as taxes. The monarchs nonetheless hide their excess in the shadows, extracting, enslaving, endangering, and damaging what they touch despite their supposed

There are no truly good monarchs, not really. There are humble monarchs who take little. There are wise monarchs who work judiciously. There are brave monarchs who take principled stands either with physical or moral courage. But there are no and remain no truly good monarchs, not really, for each is a man or woman given power but for a time to reign and make decisions and so be judged by their flaws while holding only a false inheritance of titles to cover a veneer of legitimacy.

Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s and Render unto God what is God’s. But all the world belongs and lives under the rule of God, and so Caesar truly has nothing at all to be rendered upon to him at the End of Time. May all false monarchs, all greedy monarchs, all wrathful monarchs, all monstrous monarchs, suffer and end according to the wages of crime and sin they extract from the terrible choices they make in their days. And may Caesar someday live on only as a name for a mediocre but reasonably popular salad.

Fuck Caesar. I don’t even like your salad.