Charting Alternate Ways

My great friend recently reminded me of a functional truth: you as a human cannot grow, develop, and evolve by destroying someone else. The forces at play are contradictory in nature if this is the case; growth and evolution require a certain type of energy while the energy involved in the destruction of another will not support your own development. Holding both of these positions — the juxtaposition of which is extremely human in nature — only serves to hold you back from the freedom you seek.

As a systems therapist, I have benefitted from the perspectives and learnings of those who have traveled the roads of life before me and have passed on their observations. Thinking systemically (note: this is not the same as systematically) allows one to take in a multitude of perspectives and to see how these interact to produce outcomes. In relational systems, feedback loops are the foundation and baseline in all exchanges. Feedback loops are always happening; sometimes these update the status quo from a norm into a new outcome and sometimes these loops serve to strengthen and reinforce existing patterns.

When our autonomic nervous systems process the raw data (phenomenological experience) of our lives, we are making meaning. This is what makes us sentient and human. We are meaning-making organisms, due to the way our body-mind systems have evolved over time. At times, because we are essentially grappling for position with other humans in order to obtain resources, our meaning-making originates from a place of default selfishness. We must look out for ourselves in order to survive. This bumps up against the more collaborative and altruistic impulses we experience as we attempt to work together with fellow humans. Being caught between these two options is a recipe for anxiety.

It is not necessarily the case that vying for resources will result in destruction of others, per se. There are scenarios when we can obtain what we need and not feel the need to compete or destroy others. Limitations and lack of resources lead to the outcome of competition and potential destruction of fellow humans. Our lives can be comprised along a spectrum of experiences, depending on where we live and function, spanning times of peace and relative harmony to times of want, need, and fierce warring to obtain what we deem is our right to have.

If all other variables are equal, do we need to destroy or hurt others? If harm is not necessary, why do we still choose to indulge in sadistic acts that create new, chaotic feedback loops? The human mind-body system is capable of many things in its repertoire of behavioral choices. What we determine as our course of action is shaped by our past experiences, the propensity of our genetic assets, and the way we make meaning out of these vectors. We are not deterministic robots, however.

Wisdom offers an alternate course. Take a breath. Take a few breaths. Take the time to contemplate and choose wisely today how you treat yourself and your fellow humans. Your experience and the feedback loops that shape these experiences are impacted by your decision. While this alone does not guarantee the best outcome, we only have control of what we do and say. Ensure that you are moving towards healthy outcomes as far as it is determined by you in your feedback loops.

I wish us all the best in our endeavors.