ETHICAL AMBIGUITY

We Hear Them Beat Each Other

Who decides how much violence is too much? It’s complicated

Image generated by AI: https://raphaelai.org/

The violent couple still has each other’s backs, and nobody is pressing charges. Nothing has changed over the last two years. We still see them with bruises, probably their twentieth black eye.

Intervention works when it’s requested or at least appreciated, but they don’t like people knocking on their door. Imagine someone barging in to tell you to quit a bad habit like you didn’t already know it.

The meaning of violence isn’t clear if its effects aren’t scrutinized. Sometimes passive aggression hurts more than physical fights. People can develop chronic problems from psychological pain. A hearbreak can kill. whereas physical abuse may not leave lasting damage.

Who is the best judge of how violence affects a relationship: the couple or the people who can only hear them fight?

Forced intervention in cases like theirs is pretty ridiculous, similar to how on planes people complain about a crying baby, not realizing the parent holding it is the one suffering the most and there’s probably nothing anyone can do. Does anyone really think telling the parent not to bring the baby on the plane is a good idea? Or ordering them to keep it quiet?

Tenants who call the cops don’t know enough about the couple and do it for their own sake, out of inconvenience or irrational fear. They don’t realize that bringing in authorities doesn’t always help. Even the police admit it. They stopped asking questions because most of the time they’re just there to pacify the tenants, and manage perceptions.

The couple is trying to improve their relationship, going to counseling and making up for the previous day’s fights. It says a lot when people judge complex relationships from some vague common-sense perspective that doesn’t always fit unique situations. Most people don’t bother to look closely and just love feeding the rumor mill.

Of course, violence should not be considered natural, period, but that doesn’t make some violence nonexistent, implausible, or even unnatural.

Some interventions are just ineffective and can’t deal with the nuances of how this couple functions. Social services once asked the girl if she wanted to move out. She said no. No more government sticking its nose in her life. She’s the first to throw a punch and probably the last. They wanted her to play the victim. She doesn’t do that. Neither does he.

He usually ends up with a black eye, she walks out with some redness and a few scratches. One time I saw him limping. He told me not to worry about it and that everything was under control. I believe him because they are rational, not alcoholics or addicts, just impulsive, very impulsive. What’s wrong with that? Maybe everything, maybe nothing, at least from a properly neutral outside perspective when intervention is unwelcome.

So my wife and I decided to give them the space they need. We live below them to hear everything, and we can live with that, not because we’re apathetic or think violence is okay, it’s not, but because we trust they have it under control. They don’t pull knives on each other and no firearms involved.

She’s bigger, he’s no less foul-mouthed. Violence is how they manage conflict and even negotiate. It’s their ef-ing-world, their life. Sometimes it’s a smashed plate and a few shouts, other times chairs are thrown around for an hour. We hear all that and tolerate it. It never happens after hours, so they can tread the line just fine to avoid getting kicked out of the building.

The not entirely crazy part is that they love each other more than most of the normal couples we know. And no, I don’t mean she loves him because she has nowhere else to go, or that he can’t find someone else. They are both young and not bad looking. There are plenty of services for abusive situations. So they really do love each other between fights, and probably during fights too. That’s how far I am willing to stake my intuition on this.

He knows how to treat her well, and she feeds him hearty meals because she cares. She cuts his hair and irons his pants. I see him haul groceries, she walks the dog and vacuums his sports car. He brings her chocolates. Every now and then they play card games with the guy from the 12th floor, who was in no less violent a relationship with his ex. He knows better than to judge them. Sometimes that is what it takes to understand the many subtleties of the term violence. Yet most tenants prefer to judge them.

The couple is seen together at the park and at the store. I saw him holding her hands and her smiling. I like them and respect them because deep down I believe they love each other no less than I love my wife, and I love her a lot. They are issues until someone calls the cops for selfish reasons, not necessity. But every couple has some issues. Theirs are more physical.

Right now his left eye is deep red, one of those power blows. A bit worse than last time, but alright. I am concerned, but again, who am I to judge? Maybe he deserved it for saying something slick, according to their own moral code, not ours. My wife and I do not share love with punches, but that is us, not them.

How do you even attempt intervention when both smile in the elevator the next day? When they come downstairs and apologize for the violence we overhear while lying in bed. They are conscious of the situation and perhaps can’t resolve it overnight. The Christian lady who managed to sit her down for a pep talk achieved nothing. The couple is irreligious and doesn’t go for marital mediation beyond counseling that did nothing.

They just want to mind their own business. They are violent because it is their coping mechanism. Slamming the door ten times a day must be cathartic, no less than smashing plates at a Japanese restaurant where you pay extra to break a few plates for release. It’s like letting off steam on a punching bag at the gym, only their living room is the gym and the consequences are theirs and nobody else’s to manage.

He just rolls with the punches because he is used to it and because leaving her is worse than black eyes. To him, solitude without her by his side once the fighting is over is probably worse than a stab wound. She stays in the relationship for the exact same reasons, they love each other, and now… they are pregnant.

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