A JG+A Special Presentation: The Goodman Character Battle Royal (1975–1989)

As the first two decades of his career close, the question remains: Who’s the toughest Goodman of ’em all?

A clearly professionally-made logo for the fight of the decade (and a half).

When you add up John Goodman’s appearances on stage and screen in the first fifteen years of his professional resume, he played at least SEVENTY distinct characters, not even counting the ones he created for radio.

Even though they’re all technically the same man, each has their own skills, attributes, and personalities since Goodman played them differently. Which begs the question:

What would happen if they all got into a big ol’ fight?

Let’s answer that question right now with the first ever GCBR: Goodman Character Battle Royal!

The (dumb) rules:

1. Only Goodman characters from 1975 to 1989, who were given full names, are eligible.

2. The character must have been prominent enough in their respective project that we get a true sense of their, uh, character. Their disposition, strengths, ethics, and abilities.

3. Characters may use anything they happen to have on their person, except guns or blades. Otherwise, this is bare knuckle.

4. Elimination is by knockout, or tap out (submission or surrender). The winner is the last Goodman standing.

And that’s it! With those parameters, there are twelve character candidates.

This Dirty Dozen of Goodmen are now taking the battlefield.

Fire the starter pistol, the inaugural GCBR has begun!

Aaaaaand the action is underway, folks.

The clueless “Referee Bill Pitman” (SNL, 1989) is walking around the field blowing his whistle, but nobody is paying attention to him.

“Oberon, King of the Faeries” (A Midsummer Night’s Dream, 1978) is looking around in disgust, he wants nothing to do with these mortals’ combat…and yes, sir, King Oberon has recused himself without throwing a punch, and is heading to the sideline.

Oberon has been eliminated.

Now founding father “Thomas Jefferson” (1776, Regional Dinner Theatre, 1975) and hopeless romantic “Louis Fyne” (True Stories, 1986) are squaring up… but they kinda just stare at each other.

Jefferson gives Fyne a little slap to the face, but Fyne just shrugs and, yes, he is blushing with embarrassment. Both men look over and see that Oberon tapped out, so they do the exact same, making their way off the field.

Thomas Jefferson and Louis Fyne have been eliminated.

Snide nerd-hater “Coach Harris” (Revenge of the Nerds, 1984) is huddling with emotional-wreck “Lawrence” (Everybody’s All-American, 1988), going over a football playbook.

Don’t let the smile fool you, Lawrence is a messy brute.

The child-beating alcoholic “Pap Finn” (Big River, 1985) is just standing there, listing side-to-side and taking pulls off of a corn liquor jug.

Snarling madman “Duke Earle” (The Wrong Guys, 1988) charges at dirty cop “Detective Sgt. Andre DeSoto” (The Big Easy, 1986), but DeSoto sidesteps and trips the delusional criminal, who falls flat on his face. Earle leaps up, frothing at the mouth, yet DeSoto casually points down and says Earle’s shoes are untied. The not-so-bright convict, yes, yes, he takes the bait and looks down at his feet!

DeSoto smashes Earle in the chin with a sucker-punch-uppercut, while wearing brass knuckles! Holy cow, he bashes Earle again…hold on…oh, Earle goes down!

Duke Earle has been eliminated.

Detective Andre DeSoto is a crooked cop, and an all around bad, bad person.

Daring pilot “Al Yackey” (Always, 1989) declares himself a noncombatant. He rushes over and lifts Duke Earle into a fireman’s carry, hauling him to the sideline to administer first aid. What a nice fellow!

Al Yackey has been eliminated.

Off the field, Thomas Jefferson is singing to Oberon, King of the Faeries about replacing his monarchy with a representative democracy. Oberon yawns and, what’s this? He casts a sleeping-spell on Jefferson, who curls up and snores immediately!

Louis Fyne takes this opportunity to sing an acapella version of Patsy Cline’s “Crazy” for the King of the Faeries, who smiles wide. He likes it! A magical boon is surely coming to “The Dancing Bear” Louis Fyne in the near future, yes siree.

Louis Fyne sings like an angel, and deserves all good things.

Back to the action, dimwitted thief “Gale Snoats” (Raising Arizona, 1987) is trading blows with America’s dad “Dan Conner” (Roseanne, ‘88-’89).

Gale grabs Dan in a bear hug, then belly-to-belly suplexes him. Holey moley, Conner has had the wind knocked out of him…Gale roars in celebration.

Wow, here comes Lawrence sprinting across the field, he spears Gale hard. Have mercy!

Dan Conner sits up and, yes, he’s muttering something about having a big drywall job tomorrow, aaaaand he taps out.

Dan Conner has been eliminated.

Conner stands and wanders over to Referee Bill Pitman, who is still milling about, blowing his whistle. Dan is…asking Pitman for funny insider stories about the Chicago Bears?

Lawrence and Gale are now raining blows down on each other, both bellowing like stuck bulls.

Gale Snoats is as tough as shoe leather and just about as smart.

Coach Harris sees the swaying Pap Finn, sneaks behind him, catches him unawares with a running lariat to the back of the head. Finn…well, Finn does nothing, it has no effect.

Pap Finn slowly realizes he’s been hit, his eyes widen…whoa mama, he smashes the whiskey jug over the cowardly Coach’s head! Harris drops like a sack of potatoes.

Coach Harris has been eliminated.

Pap takes a step forward, now he’s stumbling backward, he’s weaving back and forth…aaaaand he flops into the dirt. This sloppy waste-of-skin Pap Finn is passed-out-drunk.

Pap Finn has been eliminated.

Would you look at this guy…Al Yackey is pulling Finn and Harris to safety. He deserves some sort of medal, folks.

Now Gale Snoats has Lawrence up in an airplane spin. Wow, he’s twisting him round and round for a loooooooong time!

And finally, Gale releases Lawrence, who flies WAY farther than you’d expect. Now he’s rolling, rolling…okay, Lawrence has come to a stop.

What’s this? Detective DeSoto has popped up behind Gale Snoats. He whips Gale at the base of his skull with a leather slapjack.

Huh, that just seems to have angered Gale, who is turning around. My goodness, DeSoto unleashes with a flurry of slapjack blows…eleven, twelve, thirteen, it’s hard to keep count…Gale is finally looking punchy, and yes Gale Snoats finally falls.

Gale Snoats has been eliminated.

DeSoto is standing over Gale’s unconscious form. What the heck? He’s starting to unzip his pants. No, oh no…Andre DeSoto has joked in the past that when he beats a suspect he “pisses on ‘em,” but until now, folks, it was assumed to be just that, a joke.

Sweet mama, before the zipper’s all the way down, football freak Lawrence has tackled DeSoto at knee-level…the dirty detective is head-over-heels, DAMN what a slam into the turf! He’s out cold.

Detective Andre DeSoto has been eliminated.

Lawrence is on DeSoto like a dog on a bone, smashing forearms again and again into the limp detective’s brainpan…this is horrific sportsmanship!

What’s this? Dan Conner is pulling on the otherwise oblivious Referee Pitman’s shirt and pointing to Lawrence. Pitman squints…he blows the whistle and throws a flag on the play!

Lawrence is furious. He howls, lumbers over and, wow, that’s one hell of a shove to Ref Pitman’s chest.

Pitman throws his thumb back over his shoulder in a hitchhiking gesture…yes, indeed, he has ejected the fuming Lawrence.

Lawrence has been eliminated.

Holy Toledo, that worked?!

Why, that means…the only combatant who hasn’t been eliminated is…

REFEREE BILL PITMAN.

Pitman is the last (Good)man standing!

Al Yackey is now tending to the wounded. Dan Conner and Louis Fyne hoist Bill Pitman up onto their shoulders in celebration.

Pitman looks confused…betcha good money he isn’t clear that he won the first ever Goodman Character Battle Royal.

Perhaps Pitman does have excrement in his head instead of a brain, like NFL fans say? Then again, perhaps not. He would need an actual human brain to walk around, and blow a whistle, and do other things of that nature.

Well, we’ll never know for sure, because the inaugural GCBR has come to a close.

Thanks for joining us. We’ll see you next time, Goodman lovers, wherever you are.

Running Ape Count: Still 6

Running Goodman Character Battle Royal Champion Count: Now 1!

Referee Bill Pitman: GCBR #1 Champion, June 2026