If I ever commit suicide, this would be my note!

I have been thinking about writing this for a long time. I might not do this now or ever, but I need an outlet. I can’t live like this. But again, when did I ever live? I’ve just survived for as long as I remember. I’ve always been depressed, tired and in pain. I’ve lived my whole life according to others, to a point where taking even one selfish decision feels like I’m betraying the whole world. My parents love me; I would never deny that. But that conditional. Or transactional. I get good marks; why didn’t I get better marks? And if I got better marks, why not the best? I’d like to believe that I excelled in my studies, but it was never enough. I used to take professional dance and singing classes, but could not see it through due to certain traumas and illnesses. I daily get taunted for it. I took a year’s gap for a competitive exam, but halfway through, my mom got ill, my brother got into an accident, and I had to give it up so I could look after them. I still get blamed for wasting the coaching money.

I was never good enough, never beautiful enough, never charming enough for anyone. I’m this broody average girl who comes off as rude. I don’t have a lot of friends anymore, as keeping in touch with people when your head is filled with grey gloom and heart is filled with dread is not easy. I keep trying, but it’s not enough. I’m always in pain. My health is never by my side. Something or the other is always wrong with me. PMOS, migraines, sinusitis, chronic pain, you name it, I have it. Once upon a time, I used to tell my parents about it, but slowly they started feeling like I was lying and making excuses. I mean, how could someone be ill every day, huh? I stopped telling them anything. I’m now in a situation where I can sleep at night and get up in the morning. Any physical task is taxing, and I have no one I can tell my issues to.

Now, my parents want me to get married. In India, we have Jyotish, a supposed future predictor? Fortune teller? That person told my parents that I wouldn’t be able to get married if I didn’t do it before I turned 25. My educated parents took it to heart and are now pressuring me to get married. They are being very emotionally manipulative about it. They are mentally abusing me to a point where I feel like my head is about to burst open. The concept of marriage is too scary for me. I’ve seen so many bad marriages and couples who should have gotten a divorce 10 years ago; it’s ridiculous. I’m so terrified of getting married that the prospect of meeting someone in this context gives me anxiety attacks. I just asked them to give me some time to be financially independent, so I don’t have to rely on anyone if the relationship goes downhill. Is that too much to ask for? They are like, you are 25! Why are you not independent yet? But they are also the people who refused to let me go to the UK to pursue my studies after I got a scholarship that took away a huge chunk of expenses, just because their relatives told them I’ll get out of hand if I go away and also apparently because they didn’t have 6 lakh rupees to give me. (A month later, they went and got unnecessary 5.5 lakh worth of furniture for a house that we stay in 10 days a year.)

And then there is work. I love what I do, but since I just entered the workforce, I get paid very little. I tried getting jobs elsewhere, but the job market is so down, it’s in hell. So I don’t have enough savings to build a safety fund. I’m so lost, I keep losing track of time and space.

The world is a shitty place to live in. Everyone is selfish, but I can’t be because if I become selfish and keep refusing to become a puppet in the hands of my parents’ schemes, I’d become the worst daughter in the world, and then how would they face they face the society? It is crazy how my parents care about what society would think of a 25-year-old unmarried woman, that what makes the said 25-year-old unmarried woman happy.

It feels like the walls are closing in on me! If I ever do this, I just wish that my parents would not try to control the life of my brother in such ways (they don’t normally because “patriarchy”, but I digress); I also wish that they would take good care of my cat. He is the only reason I’m alive. I was ready to end it all the day my brother picked him up from the streets. I looked at him and just knew that I needed more time with this baby. He might be the only reason for me being alive even now.

Lastly, I don’t blame my parents for all this. I realise they are wired like this by society. This is all very normal to them. That is the only reason I won’t do it today. Because I know they are not inherently bad people. They just don’t know any better. But I don’t know how long I can hold on. The pressure in my head is ballooning to proportions unknown, and I don’t know how long I can handle it all.