Noah’s Ark — An Atheist’s Denial

A Formal Appeal After Being Rejected From the End of the World

Photo by Jametlene Reskp on Unsplash

Dear Noah,

Thank you for your recent correspondence informing me that I have not been selected for passage aboard the Ark.

While I appreciate the time and effort invested in reviewing my application, I was disappointed to learn that my atheist status disqualified me from consideration. I had hoped we had moved beyond religious discrimination, particularly in the face of an impending global extinction event.

I respectfully request that you reconsider my application.

First, I would like to highlight my enthusiasm for animals.

I understand there may have been concerns regarding my previous comments about lions, tigers, crocodiles, the Black Mamba, and whatever committee approved mosquitoes. Those remarks were taken out of context.

I want to be clear: I support all animals equally.

Some from a greater distance than others.

Furthermore, I believe my qualifications were overlooked.

I can clean cages, haul supplies, shovel manure, and remain calm under pressure. After decades in the workforce, I have survived corporate mergers, reorganizations, budget cuts, performance reviews, software conversions, and meetings that should have been emails.

Compared to that, forty days trapped on a boat with thousands of animals sounds like a wellness retreat.

I also possess strong problem-solving skills.

For example, I am one of the few applicants willing to ask difficult but necessary questions.

How were termites approved for a wooden vessel?

Was there no appeals process for the dinosaurs?

Who decided skunks should share living quarters with everyone else?

And exactly how much confidence testing was done before entrusting humanity’s future to a boat built by a man whose previous experience appears to have been “not boat building”?

I am also concerned about the transparency of the hiring process.

Upon further review, every successful applicant appears to have been related to the hiring manager.

Your wife was accepted.

Your sons were accepted.

Their wives were accepted.

In fact, every surviving human being appears to share either your last name or your mailing address.

While I appreciate the value of employee referrals, this seems less like a rescue mission and more like a family-owned startup.

I am not accusing anyone of nepotism.

I am simply pointing out that when the entire world’s population is eliminated and every remaining human attends the same family reunion, certain questions naturally arise.

At minimum, I would appreciate an explanation of how candidates were evaluated.

Was there a scoring matrix?

Were interviews conducted?

Did anyone outside your immediate family make it to the second round?

Frankly, I suspect the position was filled before applications were even accepted.

Looking back, there were warning signs.

The job description was vague. The qualifications were unclear. The interview process lacked transparency. References were never checked.

And every successful candidate happened to know the hiring manager personally.

I spent weeks preparing my application only to discover the role had been awarded internally.

I should also note that the job posting required two years of flood experience. With all due respect, that feels unrealistic for an entry-level apocalypse.

Another concern is the status of my application. The applicant portal currently lists my submission as “Under Review.”

Noah, it has been raining for three weeks. I feel we are well beyond the review stage.

I also question the decision-making process regarding passenger selection.

For example, unicorns were apparently denied passage. This seems like a missed opportunity.

How did “Tasmanian Devil” clear Ark compliance review? That feels like a branding problem.

I am not saying mistakes were made. I am saying future generations may have questions.

Should additional space become available, I remain flexible regarding accommodations.

I am willing to sleep near the goats. I will accept a lower deck assignment.

I am even willing to share a cabin with the sloths, assuming they eventually arrive.

Should a vacancy occur because someone discovers that sharing a room with two hyenas was overly optimistic, I would appreciate being contacted immediately.

Thank you for your reconsideration.

If my appeal is unsuccessful, I ask only that my application be kept on file for future apocalypses.

I believe my experience, adaptability, and ability to tolerate questionable management decisions would make me an asset in any end-of-the-world scenario.

Sincerely,

Applicant #7,432,981

P.S. If faith was truly a non-negotiable requirement, it would have been helpful to mention that before I completed 17 pages of paperwork.

P.P.S. I would also like to formally report that the hiring manager appears to be dating one of the successful applicants.