Note to Aides: Don’t Use Elderspeak Unless You’re Talking to a Toddler

Patronizing is patronizing for any age group

Photo by Marisa Howenstine on Unsplash

We’ve all encountered it: ”Can you get up on the table for me, honey?” is a milder example.

I always bristle at such instances but never say anything. Really, what would I say? I wouldn’t want to sound preachy or old.

I never knew there was a name for that practice until I saw a headline on a New York Times article about a year ago: “Honey, Sweetie, Dearie: The Perils of Elderspeak.”

It was the subhead that really pissed me off: “A new training program teaches aides to stop baby talk and address older people as adults.”

Wow. What a concept.

Long before I, too, was an older adult, I remember cringing instinctively when I first encountered examples. I bit my tongue when I heard well-meaning but tone-deaf nurses and aides talk to my elderly, formal, reserved father that way when he was in the hospital.

I believe it’s inappropriate in virtually all situations, but admittedly it may fly under the radar with some people, who might shrug and find it amusing. I probably would have balked less if my mother, who was casual, gregarious, and affectionate, had been treated so familiarly by a pleasant stranger.

Under the best of circumstances, it’s hard to maintain one’s dignity in those skimpy hospital gowns that are guaranteed to expose whatever you’re trying to cover, or when one is fully dressed but needs help for basic activities like going to the bathroom or getting out of bed.

Surely a training program or a doctoral degree in gerontology isn’t necessary to know that it’s just plain wrong to infantilize any adult — particularly when they are at their most vulnerable in a hospital or gradually losing their autonomy in a nursing home.

I get that staff just want to be nonthreatening and caring, but what makes them think that compassion and even affection are incompatible with respect?

The Times article mentions a couple of my personal candidates for most cringe-worthy behavior: “an exaggerated, singsong vocal quality more suited to preschoolers, along with words like ‘potty’ or ‘jammies.’ ”

About a year ago, when I was at a local medical facility for a routine appointment, I stopped to ask for directions at the information counter. I was flabbergasted when I slowly realized that the young woman behind the desk had just called me “baby.”

Baby?! On what planet is that appropriate?

Mind you, although I was 77 at the time, I did not remotely resemble a little old lady. Most people would describe me as youthful-looking for my age.

I was so taken aback that I didn’t protest, but I couldn’t help stewing about it during my long wait for my appointment. I vowed to go back on my way out to gently explain to her that patronizing us older folks was a really bad idea.

Alas, she wasn’t at the desk. I was disappointed but actually a bit relieved. Not sure I could have kept my cool.

However, I’ve decided that whatever the setting, if someday someone less than half my age ever breezily asks me, “Do you think you can go potty for me now, sweetie?” I hope I will still have the physical strength to haul off and punch them in the face.