I Think I need four arms!

Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash

Dear God,

It’s Howard. What the hell! Why in your name did you want me to multitask with only two arms?

Throw me a freaking bone once in a while by giving me another set of arms. I could make coffee, baking cookies, and flipping through the tv all at the same time! But nooooo! That would make things away too easy.

I not asking you to turn me into the world’s greatest looking man. Or make me well hung. Or even making me rich (which I would not mind). I just want four arms and hands so I can be the world’s best multitasker. Is that too much for me to ask? Four lousy arms? Sigh.

Okay, I’ll make a deal with you, God. If four arms are too much for me to ask for, then why not take dyslexia away from me? Oh! You give me a gift to write, then give me dyslexia, then tell me to write. Hmmm. Sigh.

Fine! If four arms and taking dyslexia away from me is too difficult to do, then why not make me a babe magnet? As I said before, throw me a freaking bone.

Aw! Well, thanks for listening.

Dear Howard,

This is God. An angel just sent me your letter. I read it and thought about the things you said. You want four arms. Then you want me to take dyslexia away from you? Then your other counter offer to me is turning you into a babe magnet.

Let me run a few things by you first. Your dyslexia is not a curse. No, not at all. Your dyslexia is why you are a talented writer. Heaven forbid that you have to work just a little harder. Sorry for creating you.

Second, I had tried the four arm models before creating the two-arm human model. And don’t give me that B.S. that you would work hard with four arms. No! I know all and see all, Howard. You will sit on your lazy butt and watch tv while feeding yourself chips and watch adult entertainment which I don’t approve of.

Then your other counter offer is turning you into a babe magnet. You do just fine in that department.

Look Howard, I created you in my image. Think about that. You are a mirror image of myself, which you do not reflect. It’s okay, you’re human. It’s okay for you to struggle in things that you are good at. I created all things for your enjoyment. I am always here for you, Howard. There is no reason for you to feel inferior. I created you to be an overcomer to all obstacles. If you need rest, then turn to me.

Okay, Howard, I’m going to let you in a little secret. I did at one-point endow everything to one man. And let me tell you. He was a whiny little man. So, I granted him all that he ever wanted. He became good looking. He became a babe magnet. He is now rich and well hung.

But tell me this Howard. Do we really need another Tom Brady?