I Thought Retirement Would Give Me My Life Back.

Month 3 Proved I’d Already Lost It.

Photo by Joseph Corl on Unsplash

Disclaimer: This article is my personal experience and for educational purposes only, I’m not a retirement plan advisor.

I think of the last 34 years of nursing in a very busy city hospital while waiting for summer vacation as a child! I envisioned lazy mornings and lots and lots of books, traveling and of course, regaining the energy and happiness that the demanding shifts had deprived me of. So to my family and friends, I said that this is when I get my life back. When I retired at age 63, I was given a nice pension, had my savings and looked forward to the future. The first 2 months were like a dream come true. Then came the third month and I saw that not being in the workforce gave me my life back… not quite. In a lot of ways, I had unwittingly forgotten about it, before I retired, anyway.

The days were blissful in the early days. I got up late, did some housework, went to visit my grand kids, had breakfast without a rush and got to some of the hobbies I had delayed for decades! I felt great, free. I thought this adjustment was going to be something I dealt with, but I was set up for failure.My colleagues warned me about it, but I brushed it off as I would deal with this. I no longer had to work nights, deal with paperwork and patients' suffering and be emotionally drained. Or so I thought.

The Honeymoon Fades:

After about week 8, the hottest of the hottest wears out. Days were longer than I thought! If it wasn’t for the schedules and responsibilities, I would wander the house, with no idea what to do. I have experimented with gardening, I have been a member of a book club and I have taken a watercolor class. However, there seemed to be something that was missing. The eerie stillness was what was once considered to be luxurious now felt empty. Then it was month 3. On one tedious Tuesday one day I was sitting on my porch with a cup of coffee in my hand, and I felt a great sense of sorrow. Not that I missed the fatigue and the red tape I missed me.Not because I missed the fatigue or because I missed the red tape I missed me. When no one was in such a dire need of me, who was I? If there were times when I wasn’t occupied with healing and helping others? I discovered that I had become so attached to who I was, what I do and my social network that when I started to think about retiring, I was very aware that there was some disconnect that I hadn’t noticed before.

I don’t know why I’d never thought of that before! First, make purposeful and well-defined moves. Being a nurse had a clear mission for me each day – to “take care of” others. Retirement has been a challenge for me in finding a mission as I have my own. For over 30 years, I have been prioritizing patients, family and colleagues. My dreams had become scaled down, based on the needs of others. If there wasn’t such a force, there I would have been floating.

Secondly, structure and momentum on a daily time frame. Alarms, commuting, deadlines were work rhythms that were natural. As a retired person I was free of structure, but had no structure. Morning passed by in a seemingly purposeless way, or doing household chores. Afternoons became a time of remorse when there was nothing being done “useful.” I thought that this was just an aspect of the work, and it had never crossed my mind how hard it would be for me to deal with free time.

Thirdly, social networks that were important. This was my second family, the hospital. We laughed and cried together, and helped each other when we had a difficult case. Those relationships were now gone virtually overnight in retirement. Some of my work friends started to intrude into my life and I began to understand that lots of my connections were work-based. In a silent way loneliness had seeped in.

Fourth: A feeling of competence, of contribution. I did a good job! I was able to gain the confidence of patients and doctors. I suddenly found myself back where I began again where I was clueless of the new routines and where I doubt myself of my value. I had developed my skills over a number of years and then this new chapter came and all that didn’t apply.

Embracing the truth and working towards rehabilitation.Addressing the truth and rebuilding. It was a turning point when we realised a month later that we would have to fix that pain. I did not pretend retirement was a right since I did not make it a choice and began to treat it like a new phase and make choices.

These are some of the things that supported me in my recovery and reconstruction efforts: I developed an easy schedule for everyday life. Anchors: morning walk, afternoon reading/creative time, and evening reflection, NOT a rigid schedule. This helped to make my days unstructured and non-jangled!

I wanted to reach out and make a difference in another way. I started to volunteer at a local senior center where I imparted my health information to the people in an easygoing manner. I also embarked on a journey of writing about my experiences as a nurse, for my family and ultimately a little blog. I came back with a purpose for my purpose.

Made a conscious effort to make new friends. I made some old friends and started a women’s hiking club, and a monthly coffee discussion group. Relationships were more authentic, but had to be worked for, not a result of circumstances. First and foremost, I allowed myself to mourn the loss of the old, and to embrace the new. Through therapy I was able to identify over the years how I had not gotten to know myself and how to meet my needs. I rediscovered long-forgotten pleasures, in playing the piano, which I had dropped in my 40s, and enjoyed the little successes once more. What I Wish I Had Known is a piece of writing by Michael L. Richards.

Retirement does not come with a come-you-can get-all-that-you-gave-up-for-the-working-years. The transition can bring to light things that had been slowly seeping away for decades because you’ve identified yourself so much by your career or responsibilities towards your family or those you care for. There are many women who I have talked to who have had similar experiences: The loss of identity is more devastating than anticipated. Get ready for retirement sooner if you are nearing your retirement age. Develop hobbies, friendships and personal objectives in your time off from work. Create an organization and purpose not solely depending on your paycheck. Discuss all aspects not just the monetary aspects of the emotional side of it.

18 months on into my retirement, I can say that I am more happy, but happy that is more deliberate. It wasn’t my old life that I got back. Rather, I’m making a new one that is centered on me. I learned from the loss that I suffered in the third month that retirement is not an end, it’s a reward. It offers a respite to remember who you are, once the globe is actually no longer asking much of you.

Not everything is going to be smooth sailing, but it will be worth it. If you are at the third month or more and in that disorienting time, get this: You are not alone. If you want the life you want, you don’t have to go back to where it was, you’re going to create it in the days to come.

Disclaimer: This article is my personal experience and for educational purposes only, I’m not a retirement plan advisor.

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