Why Forgiveness Is Not Always the Path to Peace

You cannot build a bridge to someone who is still holding the sledgehammer.

Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash

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Are you capable of forgiving others?

Someone who can truly put past abuse and hurt firmly in the background where it belongs. In the process, showing the strength of character needed to rise above such negativity and not let it drag you down into a deep pit of anger and resentment.

If so…good for you! It is a noble and healthy way to approach life and will deliver many positive returns.

Perhaps Alexander Pope said it best way back in 1711.

“To err is human; to forgive, divine.”

A quote that certainly has a transcendental quality to it.

However, is forgiveness always the best path to take?

I am sure that many people would say that it is. They would point out the fact that holding onto past wrongs only hurts ourselves in the end. In essence, they highlight the belief that grudges only harm the holder.

I would wholeheartedly agree with that statement.

However, there is a fine line between holding a grudge and not offering forgiveness.

One is and act of retribution, while the other has everything to do with self-preservation.

Let me explain.

Last week I wrote a story in which my brother played a starring role. The piece was essentially about overcoming fear, but it was the relationship with my brother that actually sparked a lot of interest from my readers. Many wanted to know if things between us ever changed. I thought this was probably a good opportunity to answer the many questions I received.

My brother and I had a very difficult relationship. He bullied me mercilessly throughout my childhood, and even into my young adult years. The abuse was intense, and it left permanent scars.

Ones that could not be so easily erased. The contact between us in our adult years was virtually nonexistent.

After years of silence, he decided to reach out to me when I was first diagnosed with cancer. His sudden reappearance seemed quite coincidental and a bit contrived to me.

The offer was made to just let bygones be bygones and start to rekindle a brotherly bond.

Needless to say, I was less than enthusiastic.

Despite my misgivings, I actually met with my brother to hear him out.

What I heard did not really surprise me. There was lots of complaining about how hard we had it growing up and that he was under a lot of stress. He went on to let me know that we were very young and I should just let it go. Too many years had been wasted already.

So while there was a whole lot of justification for his actions in his words, something else was clearly missing.

An apology!

Not once were the words, “I’m sorry,” ever uttered.

Sorry for tying me to a pole and whipping me with a belt as his friends cheered on.

Sorry for making me live in constant fear within my own home.

And worst of all, sorry for ridiculing me and making me feel as if the abuse I suffered at the hands of one of my mother’s “boyfriends” was somehow my fault.

Where was the remorse?

There was none. It was all about being directed to just forgive and forget.

I like to think of myself as a kind and forgiving person. I try my best, and it is just my nature. I also feel the emotions of others quite intensely. I can sense their pain and will do what I can to alleviate it. Something that served me very well in my many years as a school principal.

I did not sense any pain, remorse, or actual accountability in the actions or words of my brother. It was more a matter of tying up loose ends.

While I may be a kind person, I am no fool!

Some readers may say that you can forgive but just never forget. I get that…and I’ve said that. However, true forgiveness and healing require two people. If I just let go of the hurt without some acknowledgment or accountability, I am not actually practising forgiveness.

It is just erasure.

You cannot forgive someone if they refuse to take any responsibility for their actions. This will just lead to history repeating itself.

Self-preservation must kick in at this point.

So while I do not bear any ill will towards my brother, I passed on his generous offer. I have chosen myself and will live on my own terms for the life I have left.

In short, while I do believe in the power of forgiveness in most cases, there are times when it is not a healthy path to follow. The decision to forgive is deeply personal and as such requires careful consideration.

Forgiveness may indeed be divine… but survival should always prevail in the end.

Who is Leonard?

Author of CACHED (Coming Autumn 2026).

Writer| Reader, and most recently… cancer warrior. Retired teacher and school principal.