Stop Giving Up Details of Your Life to the Narcissist or Golden Child in Your Life!

When the golden child and the scapegoat child grow up together, that sibling trust exists between you and them. You think there’s a sibling bond. But the sad truth is, your golden child sibling is the second-in-command narcissist, and that trust you thought you had between the two of you can be deceiving. In fact, it probably is. That’s because, like any other narcissist, the golden child is never genuine. They’re not even really listening to you. And they certainly aren’t listening the way you would listen: with empathy and an open heart.

The golden child is listening for sound bites they can store away and use against you, days, weeks, months, or even years later. Even the most benign story you tell them can be twisted into a false narrative you never saw coming.

Stop giving them more ammunition!

You should know that this behavior is not exclusive to just the golden child. This applies to any narcissist in your life.

In fact, my ex was the master of this. No one knows you better than your partner, right? What is said behind closed doors is a sacred conversation between a couple, or at least you hope so. Once that person becomes bitter, angry, or loses control over you, especially if you left them, they will take any small piece of information you may have given them and run with it to make you look like the troublemaker every single time.

Here’s the play.

It’s April. You’re on speaking terms with your ex because, perhaps, you’re co-parenting. When he comes to pick up the kids, you make small talk to break the awkwardness. He’ll ask how your family or friends are.

Then you slip up. You mention an interaction between two friends, or maybe between you and a friend that didn’t go so well. They’ll respond with a fake “That’s too bad,” or “Sorry to hear that.” But just wait. Wait till the next time they feel they are losing control over you.

The rage will come. And it will come with a vengeance. It’s now October, and the story you told them six months ago while you were making small talk is now regurgitated, but this time, you’re the monster in the story.

Case in point. My ex did come to pick up the kids. We did make small talk. He asked me how my neighbor across the street was doing. I made the mistake of mentioning that she and the family next to her were fighting. I said the words, “She went crazy on them”.

Big mistake.

Six months later, during a fight where I was unknowingly (back then) feeding the narc machine more narc supply, the story became this:

“You’re the most disloyal person around! You make enemies wherever you go. Look at you. You gossip about your neighbors. You call Anna crazy! Who could stand you as a friend?”

It makes your head spin how fast a harmless story can be retold and go completely off the rails. I didn’t know about gray-rocking back then. I get it now, and it’s my go-to defense when my ex tries to pry anything at all about me, my life, or my friends or family out of me.

Now, little by little, even though I was caught in the narc supply machine that day, I did felt like I had nothing to lose when I corrected him. Start another fight with me? Just try.

I left him and was living a happy and productive life. The old me would have felt brain fog from the doubletalk. I’d be confused and forget what I was going to say to defend myself.

But the new me gray-rocks the shit out of him. If I must have a conversation with him and I even sense an iota of manipulation, I redirect the conversation back to its original point. This throws him off his axis every time.

As for my golden child sister, it was when I realized I barely knew anything about her, yet I would tell her all about my life, in what were seemingly innocent phone calls to catch up. During these calls, if I asked, “So, how is everything? Kids? Dogs?” I’d get, “Everyone’s good here.” That’s it.

If she asked me the same questions, I’d blurt out something like “Ashley’s struggling with math. Do you know anything about algebra? I can’t even help her. I know nothing.”

Narcissists see any form of self-deprecation as an opening to gaslighting. After admitting I know nothing about algebra, my sister said, “Yeah, you were never good at math.” And at first, I believed it. I may have even agreed!

But after we hung up, I thought, wait a minute…I just forgot algebra because it’s been almost thirty years since middle school. I was never bad at math!

It’s like they say these things like they’re Jedi mind tricks. I always hung up the phone with my golden child sister thinking to myself, “What did that mean? Was she talking about me? Wait…that’s not true.” And if you call them back to argue your point, you look even crazier than the lies they tell about you.

Oh GOD! Why did I just say that?

After admitting that I can’t help my daughter with algebra, a year later that story will turn into, “And you just let your kid struggle in math. You don’t even help her with her homework! What kind of mother are you?”

I used to have a friend too, whom I rarely see anymore, yet she would text me, “Hello my long lost friend! How are you? How’s work? The fam? The house?” I’d write her a legit response, couple of paragraphs maybe, whether everything was spectacular or not. But when I’d ask her, “How everything with you? The fam? Work? Kids?” I’d get, “All good.”

That was her response. Two words. And here I was thinking she actually wanted to connect and actually cared about how I was doing? In reality, she needed an ego boost. She would text me just to measure my life against hers. After her two-word response, the conversation would come to a dead end. I stopped responding to her texts. If she cared that much, we’d make plans to get together. But now that I have been enlightened to the behaviors of these people, I’m glad they don’t push for it. Bye-bye!

Ugh…these people are exhausting. Talking to them is one giant minefield.

You see, the story twisting that the narc does is deflection. Pure and simple. And you never see it coming until it explodes in your face.

Deflection happens when you have cornered the narcissist. They can’t think of anything to say to defend themselves, or anything positive to say about their life, so they wave a shiny object, the twisted story, or an insult to distract you from your original point. But it’s just their own insecurities being projected onto you.

My ex is probably disloyal to every friend he’s ever had. My sister’s kids are probably all failing at something. But she’ll never tell you. These people just turn the conversation back to you so that they can gather their soundbites and feel better about themselves.

My advice to you is this:

Get your head out of the brain fog they trained you to stay in.

Their Jedi mind tricks are real. They know that after years of telling you what you feel, how you should act, what kind of person you are, they know it will land without argument. You’ve been trained for this. Some people call it brainwashing. Others call it gaslighting. When it happens, it’s like you suddenly don’t know yourself.

If you absolutely have to converse with a narc, stay focused. Insist that you make your point before the conversation takes a turn. And if they do twist a story, remind them that that is not at all how the story goes, and say no more about it.

Then end the conversation. Immediately.

For future interactions, gray-rock the crap out of them.

And the next time you’re forced to be in the same room or must talk with your narc, talk about the weather.

Stay strong.

–I Believe You