Elf AFP Surveys

December Holiday Fuckery: This or That

Fresh Blood in the Facebook Adjacent Survey Thingy

Photo by Nik on Unsplash

I love doing these silly little surveys for AFP (Another Fucking Publication). They remind me of the surveys I used to fill out as a teenager on Myspace (Uh oh, did I just age myself?) and the other Facebook surveys of old. Thankfully, these this or that surveys aren’t intended to get your information for identity theft. I don’t know if I was ever a victim of identity theft or not, but if you really want to steal my identity, pay off all my student loans, too.

Anyway, it’s December, so let’s get started with the fuckery. Happy Holidays, Happy belated Hannukkah, Happy Yule, and whatever the fuck else you celebrate. Let’s get to the depraved questions from Sherene and Jimbo, and allow me to let loose my inner goblin.

The Fucking Questions and Answers

1. Would you rather wake up Christmas morning with explosive diarrhea or only be allowed to eat the fruitcake that your creepy hoarder neighbor made?

I, unfortunately, am the creepy hoarder neighbor. Not by choice, but because my mom is a hoarder and I’m apparently a failure at life since I had to move back in with her, temporarily…

Anyway, if I were living on my own again and faced with this choice, I would take the explosive diarrhea. Chances are, whatever Mom made in her house gave me diarrhea, so there’s that. Maybe I accidentally ate it instead of throwing it out.

2. Would you rather be guilted into bankrupting yourself to decorate your home Griswold-style (complete with electric bill), or be forced to go caroling with your neighbors as they hit a new neighborhood every night in December?

I’ll take being forced to go caroling with my neighbors as we hit a new neighborhood every night. I know I will fuck up the songs just enough so they won’t want me to continue with them, and since I won’t be bankrupt, I’ll have the last laugh.

3. Would you rather choose between going to a children’s school holiday pageant every night or going to a holiday pageant every night at a retirement home?

Damn. Sherene Jensen asked this one, I bet. I work at a school again, but at least the old people will be funnier. Children’s stuff is filled with uptight parents. Old people have no filter, and it will be hilarious. Besides, no one will remember me, especially if they have Alzheimer’s.

4. Would you rather be paired for Secret Santa with someone you fucking hate or someone who fucking hates you?

Give me the person I fucking hate. I might be reading way too many enemies-to-lovers stories…

5. Would you rather have your most hated holiday song be the only music you can listen to for the season or your most hated holiday movie be the only entertainment you can watch?

Holiday movie. I barely watch movies. Please don’t take away my music!

6. Your great aunt Mildred asks you to host a holiday dinner for your entire extended family. Would you rather order a complete holiday spread for fifty people (you’re responsible for the bill)‌ or prepare the whole meal by yourself? Don’t worry, Aunt Mildred will fund the grocery trip.

I don’t have an aunt Mildred. Okay, I will pretend I do. Let’s see here… If Aunt Mildred funds the grocery trip and I have a place where I can prepare everything, I have no issue doing that. Saves me money and gives me leftovers. Although I might put truth serums (does that exist?) in the food so all my family members can be truthful for once in their fucking lives…

7. Would you rather overflow the toilet after dropping a giant dookie at a holiday party your friend is hosting, or have someone do it at your party?

Have someone do it at my party, and then force them to clean it up and pay any plumbing bills because I’m a bitch. Jimbo Jensen

8. With a fresh year about to begin, would you rather have your life in 2026 narrated by your most passive-aggressive family member or by your most brutally honest friend?

Brutally honest friend, because that shit would be hilarious.

9. Would you rather your doorbell play “All I Want for Christmas Is You” at full volume… or your toilet play it every time you flush?

I actually like this song. (I know, I lost my cool points.) So, I guess doorbell.

10. Would you rather have to explain dirty jokes to your grandma or accidentally text your boss “Love you” on Christmas morning?

Both sets of grandparents are dead, and my boss I don’t have a relationship with. So, I guess my boss. Hopefully, he finds it comedic.

Deanna Bugalski 💋

Come join the fuckery!

Rachel Addison Sarah Scorze Mariel Matranga