Honking for ICE in Colorado

A goose-stepping citizen flaps his gums

Google Gemini image generated from author’s prompt

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Dear ICE,

As an exemplary citizen, who spends my golden years spying on neighbors, chasing their spawn off my lawn, and dousing their loose curs with pepper spray, naturally I am deeply troubled by the detestable breakdown of law and order currently taking place in Minneapolis.

As you know, deadly, demonic anarchists have taken to the streets there, disrupting the regularly scheduled disruption, sanctioned by the finest President since Herbert Hoover and his attack dog Kristi, who can pee on my lawn anytime. She’s got the dadgum cutest plastic knockers I’ve ever seen.

I appreciate your good work up north. However, as I once said to my neighbor’s mutt Mad Max, when I shot him with a BB gun after he chased a squirrel into my yard, “I think you’re barking up the wrong tree, son.”

There’s a more dangerous immigrant problem than raghead Somalis taking over the Gopher State, and it’s taking place right here in Colorado. As a good citizen just trying to do the right thing, I thought I would bring it to your attention.

I noticed it the other day, when I was on my way to confession. My wife makes me go every Friday, claiming every word from my mouth is a sinful abomination that contradicts what the priest says on Sunday. I tell her if we just went to Latin mass I wouldn’t understand a word. Then I could plead ignorance, and avoid all that time thumping my chest in the confessional.

Anyway, on the way to church I was stopped in my tracks by the most destructive gang of lawless terrorists I have ever encountered. Forget those gdamn b**ners at the taco shop who I flipped the bird because they put guacamole on my burrito. No, these border-hopping ruffians were really making life miserable for me and a dozen other motorists waiting for them to stroll across the road, taking their sweet time, as self-entitled recipients of American largesse will do.

The uninvited, unwanted guests were none other than a flock of Canadian Geese, Branta canadensis for you devil-worshipping scientific types out there.

In the past, I would welcome any fair-featured Dudley Do-Right who wanted to come stay awhile, much more than any down-south brownies tracking Rio Grande mud onto our stainless carpet.

But then Canada turned into a Bolshevik state, redder than the dick on a dog. How dare that commie Mark Carney reject our President’s friendly offer to take government responsibilities out of Canadian hands, basically spitting in the face of American generosity.

Clearly, the time has come to round up these halfwit hosers and either send them honking back to Halifax, or make pillows out of them.

So why the hell are you guys messing around in Minneapolis, while these avian aliens invade our streets, snarl our traffic, and poop on our lawns?

There are two reasons these geese got to go:

1): They’re undocumented aliens. They crossed the border illegally, slinking around customs. No, they didn’t tunnel underneath it, like El Chapo and his gang did when forcing drugs down the throats of innocent Americans. Instead they flew over, traveling in a suspicious “V” formation — like a nuclear=tipped missile aimed to splatter America’s heartland.

2): They are dangerous criminals. These foul fowl routinely engage in unsavory illegal activities like jaywalking, as you can see in the photo above. This endangers motorists, as well as innocent pedestrians dumb enough to walk on the sidewalk when I’m using it to drive around the flock. Darwinism, I’d call it, if I dared invoke that blasphemy, but then I’d have to go for extra confession, and probably get stuck behind that feathered mob again.

The undocumented riff-raff also carry out unprovoked attacks on legitimate citizens. This occurs most often in spring, when their feathers get ruffled while dropping their fuzzy anchor babies everywhere, in order to get government benefits.

Canuck terrorist anchor babies — Sharron P on Pixabay

I was personally attacked by an angry gander when I cleared one of these viper’s nests from my flower bed, but I took a pecking on my skull for God and country. Because, as you know from your noble ICE raids on hospital maternity wards, if you let one hatch they breed like flies thereafter.

There was a time when I wouldn’t complain about such godforsaken gaggles, but things have changed. Back in my day, Canadian Geese were classified as “seasonal workers.” The cackling critters would wing in in the summertime, provide a useful service mowing the lawns of golf courses and city parks, then high tail it out for the winter.

But now they’ve taken up permanent residence. They stay in town all winter, gobbling up every scrap of vegetation, at a time when the only greenery consists of the blobs of goose shit they leave all over the sidewalks. If I have to use a toothpick one more time to scrape gooseshit out of my tennis shoe treads, I’ll airmail them to you instead, and let you deal with the stink.

My neighbor says the geese remain year round because of “global warming,” but what does he know? He’s one of those woke, libtard tree-huggers. I’d give you his name too, to deal with like you did those two disgruntled, riotous deplorables in Minnesota, but he mows my lawn and shovels my snow for free. Least he could do, for helping eff up the world.

I’m convinced the real reason the geese stick around like they own the place is because Obama gave them amnesty. I don’t have any proof of this, but the mantra of the crowd I run with is “If in doubt blame Obama.”

So come on, give us an icebreaker already. Stop screwing around rooting out gophers in the land o’ lakes, and come do some real pest control. Put the deep freeze on this honker hot-spot, ICE.

I know you’re not technically authorized to operate more than a hundred miles from a border, but you’ve wiped your fat asses with federal statutes and judicial orders everywhere else, so why not make an exception for us?

You say you don’t have a spare detention center to hold them. May I suggest Greenland, which I understand will be a US penal colony soon. On my map it’s about as big as North America, so there should be plenty of room up there. Maybe the polar bears and Eskimos will pick off a few too, if hypothermia doesn’t get them first. LOL.

Sincerely,

Graham P. Olfart

Peoples Republic of Colorado, formerly USA

P.S. When do I get my reward check? I suck at math, but $750 dollars a pop multiplied by 50,000 geese along the Front Range ought to keep me in Depends for a while.