Mindful

For my present self.

Photo by Brad on Unsplash

Photo by Naseem Buras on Unsplash

Unfortunately, I slipped into that kind of person who is so fixated and choosy about what they consume.

What labels read?

What do packaged foods contain?

The nitty-gritty ingredients contained in packaged foods and their ingredients are matched with tiny print.

struggling to translate the meaning and language, however complex, of packaged foods.

Looking for common or well-understood meanings that I associate with the packaged foods.

Only resorting to buying one brand because that’s all I'm used to, or that I understand the ingredients of,

reading the fine small illegible prints through squinted, slit, strained, taxed eyes, -at the back of packages like some obsessed maniac-

They’re hard to decipher sometimes as the language changes and the intended meaning disappears or is baked into another word.

Not only that, but what exactly was I looking to eliminate changes to-

“What can I tolerate?”

or “I should try this out instead”

Or “just take small amounts and observe the consequences”.

And almost always, I end up with products barely used, clogging up my tiny pantry space,

reducing me to recycling through “safe options that are everyday norms” which have some ingredients still, that I just have to tolerate for lack of an otherwise option or expenses that just have no place in my purse,

or the laziness to go shopping, which translates to-

taking too much time and forced focused hyper clarity, to decipher what exactly I am reading, and if I am making a mistake or am wrong in my rushed assumption of the meaning, or if I didn't get the meaning right.

Double and triple-checking my purchases…

It all turns out to be a tiring endeavor, and sometimes I just grab the item and forcefully put it at the bottom of my cart, when I'm frustrated with all the reading and decision fatigue, like leaving it at the bottom wouldn’t make it surface,

Or I wouldn’t have to deal with it later.

But my brain keeps gnawing at me, reminding me that I wasn’t thorough in checking the ingredients.

“You know you’ll regret it once you reach home.”

“Do you want to reach the counter and start holding up the line doing that debate again or go through the ingredients there?”

“Better to be done with it here and return it to its specific place than to give the attendants lots of work or tire your legs after you reach one end of the supermarket and you need to return the item”.

I look at the alternative items, and the prices just take my breath away.

Why do they need to be so expensive!?

Because they don't have this or that,

because this or that was mechanically, painstakingly handpicked or in very intricate specialized circumstances redefined, refined, added, subtracted, or restructured?

Was this or that imported?

This or that: lab-grown or especially cultivated for this ingredient to contain it?

I find myself so tired, as mostly sometimes, shopping is done on the remnants of the day’s energy and i can't be bothered to go through the eye straining, gazing, hunch back, standing torment on my feet to read ingredients, i just grab what i came for or the closest relation to it, as sometimes its missing, and go slowly poison myself and recover by self-purging treatment and swearing, “i’ll never do that to myself again.”

Well, just at least until the discomfort and excruciating pains have passed.

Then I reduce the usage measurements and quietly listen to my system as it takes me through the wringer,

again!

At the end of 24hours i look like I'm from some serious front row battles, and when I'm going through these self-inflicted sufferings, I look like some shockingly pale zombie who forgot where their species is.

I try so hard to act normal, until it just ruins the definition of the word just by taking one look at me and standing close to me as I involuntarily make those suppressed sounds of a pitifully sickly unearthly creature, coupled with the heavy breathing that gets caught up in between long and short breaths, cut short by the not very masked contorting of the face.

Am totally exasperated with the situation, but bear with me when I need to really, really ask AI the meaning of an ingredient. I didn't become super vigilant or a kind of picky someone by choice,

I know the hell I will personally endure too if I allow myself to eat out or in other people’s homes as I won’t keep asking,

“Did you use this or that?”

“Does this contain …”

“Please just serve me plain water or boiled rice.”

As I jealously watch others feast on thick red or white yummy-looking sauces, I am stuck with my plain dish🥲.

And please inform the manufacturers we aren't scientists here, simple grade 4 English will do, thank you.

Just a few years ago, I used to be that person who would pick from the shelf whatever I fancied and whip up a quick meal

Now shopping takes hours, I am exhausted, my purchases are guilt-ridden for lack of better alternatives, or the reluctance of going back again another day to check on restocks, or going to another supermarket,

taking too long standing in front of the aisles and staring at products as they’d miraculously make the decision for me,

Someone will be forgiven to think am illiterate, or I don't understand English, which I don't, especially the English of food packaging labels.

if am not staring, torn in between indecision, I am concentrated on reading the ingredients, wishing I had a Wi-Fi connection to summon ChatGPT to the rescue on what they mean.

Which turns out when I reach home that what I was trying to avoid is what has been renamed or replaced with a fanciful wording.

Oh well! Then we’ll have to make do with just that.

Welcome to my world🤗.