To Myself: Apologies to My Future Self

Learning to forgive the version of me that survived instead of healed

To Myself: Apologies to my future self. The ones I could never say in my past as I always felt I had no other option. Friends, family, even strangers receive our apologies on occasion but only the ones to ourselves are almost impossible. The reason it’s almost impossible, it hurts too much to say out loud, to let out into the world. Here it is.

I believed for a long time, that strength came from not being tired, and I ran until I was too tired to function but too proud to admit that I was struggling. I silenced the deep emotions inside me and put up an act saying, “I’m okay I’m doing so much”. In this process I was slowly losing myself without realizing it.

I became one of the most negative forces against myself. When others made mistakes I could forgive, when I made mistakes, I held on to the mistake for days. I replayed them over and over in my head, questions like “how could you have done that?” plagued my every moment, making me question if I was good enough. I became this person I’ve never met, smaller just so I could fit in places that I was never made for.

I can see it all clearly now and realize just how unfair I was to myself. It’s okay to need a rest and that you are not weak. It’s okay to feel deep down and it’s okay to seek to receive honesty, kindness and most importantly, love.

Instead of offering kindness, I offered pressure, expecting me to take the weight of the world. It’s often thought that strength is surviving something without anyone knowing, which maybe is strength, but people rarely see how tiresome survival is if they forget to care for their well being, while they survive.

This is for you, me.

Sorry for neglecting myself when I was trying so hard to survive. is it best or not.