am i not doing my best because i don’t want to, or because i just really can’t?

“if only i worked harder, maybe i would’ve got it.”

when i feel like i did not do my best at all, i keep going back on regretting it. when i feel like a failure, i would torment myself thinking that i would’ve done so much if i had put enough effort. whenever i’d be scared to try something, i would end up feeling disappointed thinking that it would be better if i had done it.

everything is a cycle of expectation, regrets, and disappointment.

i would’ve done so much better if i tried. that’s my constant thought every time i fail at something. constant regret, a constant unreached expectation together with a tower of disappointment.

but, if i had try my best, would it be enough? will i get it if i really tried harder? or, am i just living on a fantasy — a fantasy of being the best when i was ‘just’ good.

is it an expectation, or just merely a justification?

maybe i wasn’t doing my best because if i had done it and still failed, i would have to confront the fact that i just wasn’t good enough. that i was living in a constant belief that i was good when in fact, i really wasn’t. i’d have to admit i was living in a constant belief of my own potential — a potential that doesn’t actually exist.

maybe i stay in this cycle because deep down, i know that even my best wouldn’t be enough. so i justify myself by saying i could’ve done better, when in reality, i simply don’t have the capacity. maybe that’s why i am in this cycle, not because i don’t want to, but because i forced myself to chase that road.

not doing my best is a protection that i did for myself to hide the fact that i didn’t have any ability to reach the summit. Not because i’m missing the tools, or because i was just lazy to do it, but because i just simply do not have any ability to reach it.