PENTAGON PUTZ

Pete Hegseth Demonstrates New Anti-Drone Weapon

Low-tech lethality

Swoop first and ask questions later. Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

During a press conference this morning at Fort Huachuca, Arizona,¹ Secretary of War Pete Hegseth made two important announcements about the war with Iran. The following is a transcript of his remarks.

Now that the war with Iran is back on — ok, it was never “off”; we bombed Iran throughout the so-called ceasefire — I’m pleased to announce that we’ve achieved two major objectives.

First, we’ve chosen a code name for this phase of the war. As you’ll recall,

• President Trump started the war on February 28th.² Its code name was “Operation Epic Fury.”³
• The president “terminated” the war on April 7th.⁴ That ended Epic Fury.
• He resumed the war on July 7th.⁵ So we need a code name for it.

I wanted to re-use “Epic Fury.” But I can’t. Last year, Elon Musk’s DOGE⁶ bros cut costs by combining our code name generator with the system used to manage user passwords. Now the thing won’t let me use a code name twice.

Secretary of State Marco Rubio suggested a name. He observed that Saudi Arabia Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman⁷ and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu⁸ urged President Trump to keep bombing Iran. They told him Iran is like a ramshackle house: if Trump kicks in the door, the place will come crashing down. “That’s a load of camel ca-ca,” said Rubio. “But the president was swayed. So the code name should be ‘Operation Trump Falafel For It’.”

The day before he died, Senator Lindsey Graham told the president that bombing the Iranians would force them back to the peace table. He thought the operation should be called “Bombing For Peace.” (My wife said that’s like screwing for virginity.)

The president, however, wanted a code name that explains why he resumed the bombing. So he named this phase of the war “Operation Iran Out Of Ideas.”⁹

I think these code names sum up what we’re doing. Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

The other thing I’ve done is order the Army to use a new rocket to shoot down Iranian drones. That’s because we currently spend too many bucks for the bang.

• Our anti-drone missiles cost $4 million to $25 million a piece.¹⁰
• The drones they shoot down cost an average of $35,000 each.¹⁰

It makes no sense to fire a bazooka at a beetle. So I’ve told our soldiers to shoot down drones with something less expensive: fireworks bottle rockets.¹¹

Use a Regular Coke bottle. Diet Coke is woke. Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

A bottle rocket has advantages over the missiles we use now.

• It doesn’t need to be hauled around by a convoy of trucks. A soldier can carry a dozen in a bow-and-arrow quiver.
• It doesn’t require a big bulky launcher. All ya need is a two-liter pop bottle.
• You don’t need a complicated system to fire it. Ya just ignite the fuse with a BIC® lighter.
• It’s cheap. A six-pack of bottle rockets costs three bucks at the tents that pop up in strip mall parking lots around the Fourth of July. Ya gotta buy a pop bottle, of course. But that’s a bargain, too. After a soldier shoots his rockets, he can return the bottle to a grocery and get his ten-cent deposit back.

The only problem with a bottle rocket is its warhead. It contains just fifty milligrams (0.0001 pounds) of flash powder. So a soldier may need to throw a bunch of rockets at a drone. I call it a “cluster-chuck.”

First you feel the tension. Then the release. Afterwards I cuddle with my Coke bottles. Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

I’d like to congratulate myself for coming up with the idea of using bottle rockets. But frankly, I’ve got no choice. As you can see on the chart¹² beside me [which is shown below], the Army and Navy have used over half of their global inventory of air defense missiles to shoot down Iranian drones. And that was during just the first thirty-nine days of the war.

Estimated missile expenditures through April 8, 2026. Statistics compiled by Center for Strategic & International Studies. Costs from Wikipedia.

The situation has gotten worse. We touched off a few dozen missiles a day during the three-week ceasefire. And with the resumption of full-scale fighting on July 7th, we’re back to shooting ’em in salvos. At current production rates, it’ll take over three years¹⁷ to replace the missiles we’ve fired as of today.

Indeed, it may be a lot over three years. What was supposed to be a 28-day war¹⁸ is at 150 days and climbing. It’s officially a no-end-in-sight quagmire.¹⁹ So there’s no telling how many more missiles we’ll expend, nor how many years it’ll take to replace ‘em.

Consequently, we’re forced to use bottle rockets to shoot down Iranian drones. And since we may run out of those at the rate we’re going, we’ll need to use Patriot rockets as well.

No, not the Patriot that’s 17 feet long, has 200 pounds of high explosive in the warhead, and costs $4 million a copy.

I’m talking about the “Hegseth Pocket Rocket.” It’s 3 feet long, has a quarter-pound of pyrotechnic explosive in the warhead, and costs $20 a pop.

Here’s what I learned the hard way: you should aim the pointy end at the enemy. Image by ChatGPT. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

“But if fireworks rockets are so cheap,” you might ask, “why have you asked Congress to give the Department of War $1.5 trillion in fiscal year 2027?²⁰ That’s 44% higher than the previous year’s budget.”²¹

The reason has to do with the fact that 99% of bottle rockets are made in China.²² We can’t depend on the Chinese to supply us with such an important weapon system.

So we’re going to rely on domestic suppliers. I’ve already contracted with Lockheed Martin to provide the Department of War with weaponized Triple Whistlers,²³ Stellar Jets,²⁴ Glitterious Lights,²⁵ and Premium Moon Travelers.²⁶

Naturally, things cost a little more when they’re built by American defense contractors. Chinese Glitterious Lights, for instance, retail for a buck-thirty each. Lockheed wants to sell their military version for $1.1 million a dozen. But fear not, taxpayers, your money is being well spent. I negotiated Lockheed down to $999,999 per six-pack.

For every order of $10 million or more, Lockheed’ll throw in an anti-drone roman candle. Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

There’s one more reason I need that trillion-and-a-half bucks. I wanna buy me some big-boy toys. The grownups at the Pentagon will let me drive ’em so long as I obey their rules.

• Wear a helmet.
• Keep both hands on the wheel.
• Stay in the Army’s backyard.
• Don’t point your Coke bottles at anything you don’t intend to shoot down.

Oh, and treat every Coke bottle as if it’s loaded. Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

Granted, that toy tank is expensive. So I’ll offset its cost by using a cheap way to achieve another goal: keeping heat-seeking Iranian drones from hitting our soldiers. The generals want our guys to wear a Multispectral Camouflage Overgarment.²⁷ That’s a full-body cape which suppresses a soldier’s thermal signature so they won’t be detected by infrared sensors on Iranian drones.

I initially proposed something that costs half as much: a Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak.²⁸

When I wear this, I can Slytherin behind enemy lines. Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

But now I’ve got an even cheaper alternative: sparklers. That’s a hand-held firework which consists of a foot-long wire half-covered with a pyrotechnic compound that throws off sparks as it burns.²⁹ If a soldier lights a sparkler, he can draw an Iranian heat-seeking drone away from its intended target.

The only problem is, ya gotta find a low T latrine digger who’ll take one for the team. Image by Google Gemini. Prompt by Catherine La Grange.

All [1]: “Fort Huachuca”, U. S. Army, https://home.army.mil/huachuca/

[2]: “Transcript: President Trump Announces Iran Attack, 2.28.26”, Senate Democrats, https://www.democrats.senate.gov/newsroom/trump-transcripts/transcript-president-trump-announces-iran-attack-22826

[3]: “Operation Epic Fury”, U. S. Department of War, https://www.war.gov/Spotlights/Operation-Epic-Fury/

[4]: “Trump administration says its war in Iran has been ‘terminated’ before 60-day deadline”, AP News, https://apnews.com/article/trump-war-powers-pentagon-iran-422311a4443b987af87cd4ca35d54f48

[5]: “Trump notifies Congress of new war against Iran”, Politico, https://www.politico.com/news/2026/07/13/trump-notifies-congress-of-new-war-against-iran-00995170

[6]: “DOGE self-deletes on July 4th. The grand experiment fell apart long before that”, Politico, https://www.politico.com/news/2026/07/04/doge-july-4-white-house-end-00983651

[7]: “Is Saudi Arabia Calling The Shots”, The Times of India, https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world/middle-east/is-saudi-arabia-calling-the-shots-crown-prince-mbs-urging-trump-to-keep-iran-war-alive-report/articleshow/129779129.cms

[8]: “How Netanyahu Convinced Trump to Bomb Iran”, The New Republic, https://newrepublic.com/post/207228/donald-trump-benjamin-netanyahu-iran

[9]: “Trump Has Only Terrible Choices With Iran”, The Atlantic, https://www.theatlantic.com/international/2026/07/trump-iran-negotiations-hormuz-nuclear/687937/

[10]: “How Iran’s Cheap, Low-Tech Drones Have Cost the U.S.”, The New York Times, https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2026/04/18/world/middleeast/iran-us-war-drones-cost.html

[11]: “What Are Bottle Rockets”, Black Cat Fireworks, https://blackcatfireworks.com/what-are-bottle-rockets/

[12]: “Last Rounds? Status of Key Munitions at the Iran War Ceasefire”, Center for Strategic & International Studies, https://www.csis.org/analysis/last-rounds-status-key-munitions-iran-war-ceasefire

[13]: “RIM-161 Standard Missile 3”, Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RIM-161_Standard_Missile_3

[14]: “Terminal High Altitude Area Defense”, Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terminal_High_Altitude_Area_Defense

[15]: “RIM-174 Standard ERAM”, Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RIM-174_Standard_ERAM

[16]: “MIM-104 Patriot”, Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MIM-104_Patriot

[17]: “US will need years to replenish stockpiles of advanced weapons used in Iran war, new analysis finds”, AP News, https://apnews.com/article/iran-war-weapons-air-defense-csis-analysis-593f866ad4eae4ddbbcfdafa22267329

[18]: “A timeline of Trump’s shifting statements about how long the Iran war will last”, PBS News, https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/a-timeline-of-trumps-shifting-statements-about-how-long-the-iran-war-will-last

[19]: “A persistent dark cloud: Trump faces a bleak new phase in Iran as GOP midterm anxiety grows”, Politico, https://www.politico.com/news/2026/07/21/this-is-what-a-quagmire-looks-like-trump-enters-bleak-new-phase-with-iran-01005354

[20]: “Unpacking the $1.5 Trillion FY 2027 Defense Budget Topline”, Center for Strategic & International Studies, https://www.csis.org/analysis/unpacking-15-trillion-fy-2027-defense-budget-topline

[21]: “Understanding the President’s FY 2027 Budget Request for the Department of War”, Greenburg Traurig, https://www.gtlaw.com/en/insights/2026/5/understanding-the-presidents-fy-2027-budget-request-for-the-department-of-war

[22]: “Trump tariffs’ explosive problem: 99% of fireworks made in China”, The Sunday Times, https://www.thetimes.com/us/news-today/article/trump-tariffs-independence-day-fireworks-china-mq6mwmjc8

[23]: “Triple Whistler”, Jeff’s Fireworks, https://jeffsfireworks.com/collections/bottle-rockets/products/triple-whistler-ox

[24]: “Stellar Jets”, American Wholesale Fireworks, https://americanwholesalefireworks.com/stellar-jets-rocket/

[25]: “Glitterious Lights Rockets”, Patriot Fireworks, https://patriotfireworks.com/product/glitterious-lights-rockets/

[26]: “Premium Moon Travelers”, OC Fireworks, https://ocfireworks.com/premium-moon-travelers-144ct/

[27]: “US Marine Corps pursues thermal cloaks to hide troops from heat sensors”, Military Times, https://www.militarytimes.com/industry/techwatch/2026/03/11/us-marine-corps-pursues-thermal-cloaks-to-hide-troops-from-heat-sensors/

[28]: “Harry Potter Cloak of Invisibility”, Museum Replicas Limited, https://museumreplicas.com/harry-potter-cloak-of-invisibility/?srsltid=AfmBOooy78Y2am2jn3_972HM7Qla1iHL_r10pCyeFH8Uo84cN3jvnGwB

[29]: “Sparklers”, Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sparkler