13 Easy Steps to Becoming the Most Annoying Christian in the World

A Guide on How to Lose Friends and Infuriate People

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Have you ever fallen into the trap of believing that becoming a Christian should lead to positive personal growth and transformation?

Well, forget about all that!

In this guide, we’re going to explore an alternative path. There are some misguided individuals who might suggest that Christianity is about embodying love, compassion, and humility, just as Jesus did, but we know better, don’t we? The true essence of being a Christian lies in convincing everyone else that they need to become one too. And that’s precisely what we’re here to help you accomplish.

So, if you want to become a real, true, soul-winning, Bible-thumping, born-again Christian, then listen up because it doesn’t just happen. It actually takes years of dedication, commitment, and a steadfast refusal to ever admit you might be wrong about anything.

Fortunately, for you, I have painstakingly gathered a series of step-by-step instructions from years of closely observing certain Christians who prioritize righteousness over love — along with a few years of dabbling in the art myself. Consider this your roadmap to becoming the most insufferable Christian in the universe.

Bear in mind there’s fierce competition for this prestigious title. So, get ready to master the following techniques like a seasoned professional:

Step 1: Treat everyone as your personal salvation project

There is only one reason to make a new friend: It’s to save their immortal soul from the depths of Hell. Don’t waste time getting to truly know people because you’ve got work to do, and besides, what if your new friend were to die tonight — before praying the sinner’s prayer?

Why their blood would be on your hands, and despite the supposedly all-sufficient nature of His atoning sacrifice, Jesus would probably hold you personally responsible.

So, skip the part where you develop real, authentic friendships. You can do that later… once you’ve convinced them to adopt your beliefs. And if they don’t, you can always shake the dust from your feet and move on to the next project… err, I mean person.

Step 2: Remain aloof when your friends are having a good time

If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of being stuck at some kind of celebration where there are non-Christians present — say a birthday party, for example — make sure you remain aloof from the revelry, especially if there’s alcohol involved.

If someone offers you an alcoholic beverage, turn up your nose and mention that it is better to be filled with the Holy Spirit than to be drunk on wine. You and you alone understand that Jesus would never drink at parties, wedding feasts, and last suppers.

Step 3: Respond to people’s suffering with religious platitudes

If anyone you know is going through a difficult time, be sure to offer them a whole heap of well-meaning but ultimately useless religious platitudes.

This is bound to endear you to them.

Make sure you mention that God will never put them through anything they can’t handle and that all things work together for their good. No doubt, this will warm their heart and provide solace to your friend whose child is dying of leukemia. After all, “God works in mysterious ways!”

Step 4: Be toxically positive

While we are talking about suffering, remember this: No matter how miserable life gets, be sure to ignore the reality of pain by plastering a smile across your face and talking about how you are walking in the victorious life that Christ intended you to live. In fact, claim victory in every situation! God will deliver you from every disease and crush your enemies under your feet. You will bear children without pain, and even your wallet will overflow because you are living your blessed life. Praise God!

Step 5: Demonize anything that falls outside the “church bubble”

Be sure to tear shreds off everything that falls under the heading “secular.” Demonize the music, movies, and Netflix shows that your non-Christian friends love. They might disagree with you, but hey… they’ll appreciate your conviction. Complain about billboards, TV advertisements, and the skimpy swimming costumes people wear at the beach, and how they are all a sign of this wicked and adulterous generation.

Then, when you have friends in the car with you, make sure you have your Christian worship music playing so that you can passively evangelize them, win their hearts to the Lord, and show them what real God-pleasing art sounds like.

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Step 6: Mischaracterize people of other faiths or no faith

In your own mind, conjure up a caricature of what a person of a different faith looks like and thinks like. You might imagine, for example, that every Muslim is like the few bad ones who crashed some planes into some buildings back in 2001.

Be sure you pass this on to your children so that they can perpetuate the same biases you have, despite the weight of evidence. Make sure that they understand, just as you do, that everyone who doesn’t believe that same thing you do is “Lost,” at best, and at worse, a tool that Satan is using to lead people astray.

Step 7: Presume that non-believers have nothing to teach you

Remember, you have all the answers! Anyone who does not profess Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior has nothing of any real benefit to offer you.

They should be listening to you and not the other way around.

They are wrong. You are right. They are lost. You are found. They are blind. But, you can see. Therefore, you should scoff and roll your eyes when people share their naive and ill-informed perspectives. After all, the gospel is foolishness to the perishing, and an open mind is a foothold for Satan.

Step 8: Correct the behavior of others

If you see someone doing something sinful in your eyes, be sure to go up and let them know what God thinks about it, even if they are strangers.

After all, you are God’s representative here on earth.

The fact that you lack the emotional and relational capital to offer correction or advice in someone else’s life should not stop you from sharing a piece of God’s mind with others. Make sure you assume that your thoughts, opinions, and words are the same as God’s, and correcting others’ behavior will come naturally to you.

Step 9: Mistake social progress for spiritual decline

As society makes its inevitable and much-needed march toward equality and tolerance of difference, be sure to reminisce about the “good old days” when women were kept in the kitchen and racial and sexual minorities were treated like lepers as if it was a much better time in human history.

Giving rites and basic human dignity to those who previously had none has clearly ruined the world. Remind yourself that Jesus predicted that such things would happen in the end times, which brings us to the next thing…

Step 10: Call every bad thing that happens the wrath of God

Label every natural disaster, school shooting, or global pandemic as the wrath of God — sent by the Almighty himself to teach us a lesson. We shouldn’t have legalized abortion, allowed marriage equality, or voted for the Democrats.

Now God is having the last laugh by inflicting misery on people — just as you would expect from a loving father. Why not take it a step further and create a causal link between people’s individual misfortune — sickness, unemployment, or even their naughty children — and their apparent sinfulness? If people lived a righteous life like you are, things wouldn’t be going wrong for them.

Step 11: Offer prayer instead of practical assistance

But, if you do find someone whose life has fallen to pieces, after you have judged them, be sure to offer to pray for them. Remember, prayer is the answer. And why provide practical help when you can simply say, “I’ll pray for you,” and then be done with it, getting on with the more important work of trying to convince people to believe in Jesus as you do?

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Step 12: Use the Bible as an authority with people who don’t care

“The Bible says so.” This should be your go-to phrase whenever you find yourself arguing over ethics, theology — even politics in an emergency. In fact, if you find yourself struggling to win any debate, bring out their “Bible-says-so” trump card.

Remember, the phrase itself settles the matter and carries oh-so-much weight with your non-Christian friends who are skeptical about Scripture’s historical integrity, let alone its status as the divinely inspired word of God.

Step 13: Presume that you are being persecuted for something other than your own insensitivity, stupidity, and tone-deafness

Having completed the first 12 steps on how to lose friends and infuriate people, you’re ready for the final stage. Act shocked when people avoid you, call out your hypocrisy, and ultimately cut you out of their lives.

Claim that you are a victim of spiritual persecution.

In fact, go further and suggest that it is an attack on religious freedom. Be sure to mention the fact people hate you is a sure sign that God is on your side. It has nothing to do with your own insensitivity, stupidity, and tone-deafness. Now, sit back and congratulate yourself on being so faithful to Christ and rejoice in the fact that you are counted among the saints fortunate enough to suffer for Christ’s name.

Finally…

If you should happen to come across any so-called Christians who are not hated by the world, you can be sure they are not real Christians, and you ought to treat them the same as you would a heathen.

Refer to the steps above.

So there you have it.

Your guide to becoming the most annoying Christian in the universe. Now, what are you waiting for? Start by posting an angry response to this article about how I’m destined to go to Hell for mocking Christians.

Author’s Note

P.S. Before anyone gets upset, I should probably point out that I’m a Christian. In fact, one of the reasons I wrote this article is because I’ve done most of these things myself.

I have treated people like projects. I have quoted Bible verses when I should have listened. I have offered spiritual answers to problems that needed practical help. I have mistaken being right for being Christlike.

The longer I follow Jesus, the less convinced I am that Christians are called to be annoying.

When I read the Gospels, Jesus certainly offended people, but usually the religious ones. Everyone else seemed strangely drawn to him.

That feels worth paying attention to.The uncomfortable truth is that many of these behaviours don’t come from bad intentions.

Yet when I read the Gospels, I find a Jesus who seemed remarkably comfortable around people who believed differently, lived differently, and saw the world differently. He was endlessly patient with outsiders and surprisingly impatient with religious people who mistook being right for being loving.

Which makes me wonder whether the real measure of Christian maturity isn’t how many arguments we win, but whether people leave an encounter with us feeling more loved than judged.