Kid vs. Koan: Zen Gets Clapped

Image credit: DJ Paine on Unsplash

The beginner looks at a mountain and sees a mountain.

The avid Zen practitioner looks at the same mountain and sees a metaphor for life: clouds dissolving into snow that falls on pines, melts, and collects into streams that join in great rivers flowing toward ultimate unity in the ocean of life and spirit.

The Zen master looks at a mountain and sees a mountain.

In that context, my 11-year-old son and I love to discuss famous Zen koans — the pithy stories designed to confound — which he then hilariously dismantles as if they were as obvious as two plus two.

With each new koan I share, he smiles, jumps up, and animatedly tells me why it is the most ridiculous question ever posed. Eventually, he declares them all “clapped,” which is to say annihilated, by his youthful purity and sense of humor.

I’ve come to view him as one of my great teachers, helping me try to again see the mountain as a mountain. Over and over, he teaches me not to take things so seriously.

Koan: What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Kid: Nothing! It’s just waving around. It’s touching air and that doesn’t make a sound. I mean, touch air! It doesn’t make a sound if it’s one hand. Yeah, it’s pretty obvious.

Koan: If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one to hear it, does it make a sound?

Kid: Yes, of course! Duh. Everything that crashes into something else usually makes a sound — except that one hand clapping thing — but like if it falls, it makes a sound. When the meteor that killed the dinosaurs crashed into the earth no one was around to hear it, but we know it existed. So like, yes, it fell, no one heard it, but it definitely made a sound. Like, bruh!

Koan: What is the face you had before the world was made?

Kid: You had no face before you were born! Well technically if you were in your mom’s belly, your face was forming. But, like, if it’s even before that then no. If you haven’t even been created how do you even have a face? Like, just no.

Koan: Two monks are looking at a flag flapping in the wind and arguing. The first monk says, “It’s the flag that moves.” The second monk says “It’s the wind that moves.” The abbot says, “You’re both wrong, it’s your minds that move.”

Kid: And then the young kid says it’s the wind and the flag. The wind is the subject. The flag is the object. They’re both moving and being moved. We can’t see it, but the wind is moving or else the flag wouldn’t have moved at all. That Zen master, he should be demoted for that one. We don’t have mind control like Star Wars characters. Like, bruh, it’s not our minds moving. It’s the wind and the flag. This one’s really obvious and stupid.

Koan: Once upon a time, as a woman was walking through a forest, she saw a tiger peering out at her from the underbrush. As the woman turned to run, she heard the tiger spring after her to give chase.

Barely ahead of the tiger, running for her life, she came to the edge of a steep cliff. Clinging onto a strong vine, the woman climbed over the cliff edge just as the tiger was about to pounce.

Hanging over the side of the cliff, with the hungry tiger pacing above her, the woman looked down and was dismayed to see another tiger, stalking the ravine far below. Just then, a tiny mouse darted out from a crack in the cliff face above her and began to gnaw at the vine.

At that precise moment, the woman noticed a patch of wild strawberries growing from a clump of earth near where she dangled. Reaching out, she plucked one. It was plump, and perfectly ripe; warmed by the sunshine.

She popped the strawberry into her mouth. It was delicious.

Kid: Okay, so what she should do is take the strawberry, shove it in the mouse’s mouth and then throw the mouse down to the tiger. He’ll be preoccupied now by eating the mouse and then the woman can climb down or jump — like stop, drop, and roll — and run away. Also, this woman, I mean why is she walking in the woods alone? I thought Red Riding Hood taught all young children that lesson but clearly she didn’t listen. Like, hello, buddy system!

Koan: Once, a university professor went to visit a well-respected Zen master to learn about Zen. The master first invited him to sit for a cup of tea. The professor sat down and started talking about Zen. The master quietly prepared and poured the tea. When the tea was filled to the cup’s brim, he kept pouring. The professor watched the overflowing cup until he could no longer restrain himself. “It’s full! No more will go in!” blurted the professor. “The same with your mind. How can I teach you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”

Kid: I truly feel bad for the professor. He just wanted to drink this tea. Now he’s probably burned because it probably spilled across the table. And it ruined his nice clothes and now they’re wet. I don’t even think he came for this at all. Plus this Zen master man is not considering the environment or other people here. Bro just dumped out the whole tea. Like there are probably a lot people who are thirsty out there and would kill for a little tea. And just ‘cause you’re the Zen master, you can do whatever you want? Not cool.

Koan: Ryokan, a Zen master, lived the simplest kind of life in a little hut at the foot of a mountain. One evening a thief visited the hut only to discover there was nothing to steal. Ryokan returned and caught him. “You have come a long way to visit me,” he told the prowler, “and you should not return empty-handed. Please take my clothes as a gift.” The thief was bewildered. He took the clothes and slunk away. Ryokan sat naked, watching the moon. “Poor fellow,” he mused, “I wish I could have given him this beautiful moon.”

Kid: They’re both idiots. I mean, the thief walks into an empty house! When he opens the door and sees nothing there, he should turn around and leave. Just go! That should be his instant reaction. Then the Ryokan person? Like, call the police, bruh! And how does he even survive? He has no food in his house and he clearly doesn’t have anything to like hunt or fish with and no money. He’s so clapped. And then he just, like, strips in front of the thief? I mean, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal too. Like, what is happening? Just what is happening?!