Chapter 34: The Universe Robs Me of Joy

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

This weekend has not been good.

I was unable to attend the Critical Role live show on Tuesday night because I couldn’t get my car fixed in time. I am devastated. I’ve waited ten years for them to come to Atlanta, only to be denied at the last minute by something I could’ve fixed had I the proper resources. My only hope is that when they go on tour again in the future that they come back. And hopefully I’m better prepared so I can go.

But missing this event that I’ve waited so long for sent me into an existential crisis of despair and hopelessness. I yelled a lot about how apparently, The Universe doesn’t think I deserve joy. I am to live my life without feeling the positive emotions and drowning in the negative ones.

There is historical precedent and evidence for this. I’ve never taken a proper vacation in my life. I’ve never been to a concert or special event. Every time I plan on doing something that will bring me relaxation and joy, something occurs that forces me to either cancel the plans or I have to spend the money I’ve put aside on something more pressing. Every. Damn. Time.

So I stopped planning things. Any time some event I’d like to attend happened to be near me, I didn’t give it a second thought. Why would I even think I could attend? Something always prevents me from going, so I’m not going to get myself excited over it.

But Critical Role was different. I’ve been a fan since the beginning and it has left an indelible mark on my life. It is one of the few things that actually brings me joy. So when they announced they were coming to Atlanta, I had to try to go. And you see where that got me.

So, after yelling and ranting and crying, I had a decision to make. I could either become an empty husk of a human that only goes through the motions of life without pursuing anything that gives me joy and happiness, or I could attain joy by force.

“Joy by force” sounds pretty bad, but it’s basically the idea that I will do whatever it takes to experience joy regardless of how much it costs, who it inconveniences, or what responsibility I will shirk to do so. I am so devoid of joy that I’m willing to sacrifice everything else just to feel it for a little while.

If that is not a cry for help, I don’t know what is.

But I feel that that’s the only way I can do it. Planning for things always falls through. If I just see something that makes me feel joy, I will do it or obtain it at all costs. Living day to day for me is so empty and pointless. I need to find something that sparks me to go on. Even if I have to risk it all just to get it.