419 — in fact, God forbid!

Source: Zikoko! Memes Meanwhile, just imagine the character in the frame as the opposite gender.

When you imagined your bone straight flying in the wind, you didn't think it'd happen in a dilapidated danfo whose breaks are on public holidays. Even when your 10-year-old self devised the plan to fully hand your life to Christ on your deathbed (so you can at least get the ticket to enter heaven), you didn't think it'd happen at the untimely age of twenty-seven. At twenty-seven, you can't stop chanting, “If I survive this ride, Lord Jesus, I do not take my life back. Lord Jesus, my life will be wholly yours!” because this Ojuelegba fast and furious driver has turned his gear and honk to toys, aggressively utilizing them to detract any “crawling” driver — which is every driver on the road — that gets in his way. A mean principality and power in the flesh! You should have known he was trouble when you sighted his stone-faced self donning a white singlet and dark sunshades on a Monday morning.

As he recklessly bursts into the express and gatecrashes a moving line, you're forced to open your mouth and say, “Driver, abeg easy now.”

When others start to complain, the man without warning hits the brakes, flinging everyone to their credible deaths. After screams of “Egbami o!” and “Jesu!”, no one tutors him again. Message well received.

Still, you’re irritated at the heat, smell of konk perfumes, and tiny front space you’ve been forced to share with this Pablo, who’s trying to get your number. You, a 27-year-old woman. Do you look like you’re taking applications for sugar kids? How you wish he was Bro Voke from the choir unit. If only Bro Voke was this proactive, your mother wouldn’t have the nerve to keep sending links to relationship openings. You hiss as you hear, “Is your bobo the LASTMA to our love? Cream crackers, he finna don’t have to know.”

LAS whatttt? Finna whatttt?

In a split second, however, you are thrown into his arms, an Indian heroine, as the driver sharply overtakes two danfos. Everything happens in slo-mo. A Toyota Camry had overtaken the bus. Now neck to neck, your driver stretches out his hands towards the cheat and opens his five — “Iya e!” — before zooming off.

Laughter bubbles in your chest and bursts out unpleasantly. You guffaw until the driver stares at you and says raspily to Pablo, “Eiya. Na your babe? And na fine girl o. Everybody just get comma for this Lagos.”

As quickly as the laughter erupts from your chest, your mouth switches the gear. “Ehn? God forbid o. I reject evil speaking in my life. I reject negative thoughts. I’m covered from head to toe, from within to without, with the blood of Jesus. I do not invite evil spirits by accepting the wrong tags. I’m baptized with the blood of Jesus spilling from the cross of Calvary. Favour eh, it surrounds me like a shield. Imago Dei get comma ke?”

By the time you're done, your toaster has created some distance. The bus is so quiet you almost think an angel has appeared in the sky with the rapture trumpet.

Again, the driver looks at you incredulously before saying, “People dey o.”

As if!

If only he was aware of your resolutions for the year. Allow negative speaking and allow the devil 419 you of blessings?