Let’s Watch: Dungeons & Dragons (2000)

The Sustene Chapel.

*Every week, the While Rome Burns crew gathers ‘round to watch a film of questionable content and give their two cents as it unfolds. This is a collection of the best pennies from those sessions for you.*

Jeremy Irons will take on any role for a paycheck.

The Film We Watched:

“Listen, I don’t know who you are, but be prepared for a lesson in pain!”

What They Say This Movie Is About:

The Empire of Izmer is a divided land: elite magicians called “mages” rule while lowly commoners are powerless. When Empress Savina vows to bring equality and prosperity to her land, the evil mage Profion plots to depose her.

What This Movie Is Actually About:

This is Dungeons & Dragons but it’s not the one with Chris Pine in it! I mean, sure, there’s gold dragons, and red dragons. A couple of dungeons. A bad guy with a love for blue raspberry popsicles. And all the terrible CGI and casual stereotypes you can handle!

Why This Movie Is Actually Good:

Jeremy Irons, whom you may know as the voice of Scar from 1994’s The Lion King, gives 110% of his effort into a performance. Does he carry the film on its back? No. Does he convince you that he actually is? Yes.

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Plot Points By Point, With The Gang:

We’re whisked away to the world of Dungeons and/or Dragons, specifically the kingdom of Izmir. Their young empress, Savina, rules over the land via her scepter that can control golden dragons. However, Savina’s feeling pretty democratic and wants to give the commoners some basic rights. The Council of Mages, led by the mage Profion (Irons), demands she hand over the scepter.

Stand down, Gary Oldman.

She refuses, and when both sides realize there’s a bit of an impasse here, they scheme to obtain the Rod of Savrille, which lets the wielder control red dragons.

I’M WAKING UP, TO ASH AND DUST.

Meanwhile, a pair of thieves named Ridley and Snails try to rob a magic school.

Foolish fools will be fooled into a fool’s cinematic tomfoolery!

They fail, and they’re caught by an apprentice named Marina. As Marina deals with these two morons, Profion’s assistant Damodar attacks the school library’s wizard to acquire a map to the Rod of Savrille.

“And standing in for Dumbledore is the embalmed corpse of Dumbledore.”

Marina, Ridley, and Snails manage to escape the school with the map, and join a dwarf named Elwood to go find that Rod.

Funding has been stripped for Bad Movie Night (just kidding, we never had any!)

They find out that the Rod is in a tomb, and in order to open the tomb, they need a ruby key called the “Eye of the Dragon”.

KNEEL!

They hit up a deadly maze in the thieves’ guild in Antius, where it just so happens to reside, and Ridley grabs it. However, upon grabbing it, Damodar shows up and captures Marina and the map.

Alternatively: MFW I loiter in front of the Pokemon Card kiosk that has a sign that reads “No loitering”

The rest of the group is captured by an elf Paladin named Norda, who works directly under Empress Savina.

“Do not seek medical attention. Go directly to the Upside Down.”

After realizing they have a shared goal, they collaborate to free Marina and get the map back. However, Snails dies in the attempt.

The bumbling comic relief, the only black person here. Yikes.

They finally enter the tomb and get the Rod of Savrille, but Damodar arrived too and he takes the rod to Profion, just in time for a violent coup against the Empress.

“The Senate Parlimentarian said we can’t, so we won’t. Here’s a fundraiser email.”

All their profile pictures are car selfies with them wearing sunglasses.

Dragons are fighting on both sides until Ridley somehow manages to kill Damodar, and gets the Rod of Savrille back from Profion.

“It’s time to play the music. It’s time to light the lights.”

Marina tells Ridley he should use the Rod to kill Profion, but he refuses and chooses to destroy it.

The brain cell shared amongst three.

So the Empress uses a gold dragon to kill Profion instead.

Coming soon to Teen Vogue: “Empress Savina serving cunt in Izmir”

The day is saved! But Snails is still dead. Later on, the gang visits Snails’ grave to pay respects.

Maybe they can vote a new Empress in.

Ridley places the Eye of the Dragon on the grave as a tribute, but when he does so, the ruby starts to glow and Snails’ name disappears from the headstone. Norda, who somehow knows what’s up here, tells Ridley that Snails awaits him elsewhere, and the ruby transports them all away to somewhere else.

Mmm, toasty!

And that’s the end!

The female (male) gaze.

Should You Watch This Film?

This version of Dungeons & Dragons is pretty silly. Pretty campy. And pretty slow to get through. It’s got a bit of that “we’re trying but we don’t know what we’re doing” from the filmmakers. The special effects are pretty meh even for 2000’s standards. But hey, Jeremy Irons and Marlon Wayans and Thora Birch are here. So if you want to see a real potpourri of talent trudge their way through a script, this movie will do it for ya just fine.

Best Out Of Context Riff Of The Night: