HUMOR | WEEKLY FUN BREAK

Artemis Has Splashed Down Successfully And So Have These Writers — Yay Splashers

Wow — finding a theme is harder than you’d think

Photo by Andy Hermawan on Unsplash

I have volunteered for a lot of things in my day, much against the advice of family and friends. And my father’s favorite maxim — Never Volunteer.

I have also been Voluntold more than a few times. It’s not usually much fun. If it were a fun job, someone else would already have it. But it’s often been exciting in a stomach-clenching, hair-pulling-out, impending-train-wreck kind of way.

But it didn’t occur to me, when I volunteered to write a newsletter for MuddyUm, that anyone would actually expect me to be funny.

Well, how smart am I?

In my defense, I am an editor here. My humor has never aspired to be more than a mildly amusing, kinda clever, tension release. Though I guess a mid-week tension release might be welcome.

My best advice to you is this: Ignore the framework — concentrate on the writers and their awesomely, wildly amusing articles — k? You’ll do fine.

As the tallest girl in my class and taller than most of the boys in Junior High, I thought it would be so cool to be petite — maybe not:

In honor of the Artemis successful splashdown, first up is Sue E OConnor, MD’s tale **It’s Not A Small World**

Speaking of clothing, do their manufacturers understand that the average American woman is 5’4”ish and weighs 170 lbs? I am not that woman, but she certainly is not 5’10” and a size 2–4. Why must I always cut 6” off a pair of size 2 or 4 pants — that is, when I occasionally play by the rules and shop the women’s section instead of girls’? It’s gotten so bad that my seamstress has started a loyalty program for me with a punch card and a line of credit.

If I stick to the girls’ section, I pay half the price and require no alterations, reasonable trade-off for showing up at a kindergartener’s party in the same outfit as the birthday girl — again.

What’s not to love about a great second-hand book find? Eileen K tells all: **The Man Who Feared a Secondhand Book**

I handed him the book proudly, expecting mild approval. He looked at it like it’d fallen out of a bin.

He skimmed the first three pages, then locked eyes with me: What about the optics?

He pointed at a tiny handwritten inscription: “Dear John, for your children, with love from Michelle xx”.

He said this would confuse and scare his children. They might think the book wasn’t new. They might think he was too poor.

Good thing Artemis didn’t bring back any new life-forms — but if they had, Elle Becker is ready for them: **Reluctant World Leader**

I don’t trust people who crave power. History has made that truth abundantly clear. Give someone a crown, and they’re building palaces and bombing countries that aren’t bothering anyone. War blooms, and nobody wants to fight — especially for reasons we don’t quite understand.

I’m also hoping for aliens to hurry up and arrive. Not in a “take me to your leader” way, but in a “We’re appointing one” way. Someone has to take the reins and strongly suggest we stop setting the world on fire.

I’m not saying I’ve been previously abducted and probed. I’m also not not saying that.

Because of our… working relationship, and my lack of desire to be the boss, the aliens will almost certainly make me Supreme Leader of Earth — precisely because I don’t want the job.

Not all April showers bring on the darling buds of May, as B. O. Face will be the first to tell you: **What Sadistic Creep Invented the Mixing Valve?**

The image above shows my recently installed shower. I neglected to specify hot and cold taps, so the contractor installed what they always install — the latest thing, that engine of torment known as the mixing valve. Every time I take a shower I’m stuck with the problem of obtaining the temperature I want. I start out with it as hot as it will go but aimed at the wall so I don’t scald myself.

Then:

Move it to a position I think will suit me.

Too cold

Tap it to the right

Still too cold

Tap again

Ouch!

Tap to the left

Brr!

Tap to the right

Ouch!

Tap to the left

Brr!

Tap to the right

Ouch!

Tap to the left

Brr!

Tap to the right

Ouch!

Move the teensiest bit.

OK, still too hot, but this blossom will not wilt — much. Having won the 1968 draft lottery, I’m more of a hot shower kind of guy. That and I have to get on with this sometime.

It can’t all be rainbows and unicorns, as Neil Offen well-knows, it’s that time of the year (boo hiss): **It’s Tax Time!**

Who needs H&R Block or Turbotax? Just follow the directions:

Begin with Line 7 (Lines 1 through 6 are only for chumps). Enter wages, salaries, tips, coins found in bottom of vending machines, pennies stuck under couch cushions and the $5.02 check you got for being a member of a class action lawsuit you had no idea you were a member of.

Attach Forms W2, 1099, 1099-E, 1099-R, 1099-DIV, 1099-MISC and 1098-I, which has been marked down from 1099-H during our spring sales event.

Line 9a — Enter ordinary dividends received. Attach Schedule B and, if you can find it, Thursday’s American League Schedule for the Central Division game between the Chicago White Sox and the Cleveland Indians.

Dear Lord, I’m ready to hire an accountant. Or shoot myself. Speaking of which I must go and print out several hundred pages for my tax guy.

See you sometime in 2029 if all goes well.

Cheers!

With a big shout out to Holly J See 〰️editor fairy for the much appreciated wisdom and assistance