Taking Your Friend To A Show That Bombs

Illustration by author.

Man, you’re gonna love Borman Ray. Funniest guy on the internet right now. Thanks for coming to his show with me.

Okay, I’ve never seen him do this bit before. I can see you’re a bit apprehensive. Just give him a minute. It’s gonna get so good.

Wow, I’m not really getting this joke. You know what? Stop watching the stage for a sec. You need to see his good material — the stuff he’s already worked out. Give me your glasses. You don’t need to see the stage. Look at his best TikToks here on my phone. The Borman Ray highlights right here.

Throw an Airpod in too. Block out what Borman Ray is saying right now. That’s not the Borman Ray we know and love. Borman Ray is a LEGEND on TikTok in his tightly edited clips strictly doing crowdwork and not actually writing jokes. You can’t judge the comic off his written set you paid to see. That’s the rule of comedy. Remember when he roasted that newborn baby in the clip I sent?

Plus, I never said I was a HUGE fan of Borman Ray, just that I liked some of his stuff. I only watch him on TikTok in 30-second snippets. Honestly, if I’m on TikTok, I’m usually pooping so I’m not even watching that closely. When I’m wiping, I only hear 30% of what he’s saying. And 30% of his set is good right now, so that math checks out.

I’m taking off my “I’d live in Borman Ray’s asshole” custom T-shirt. It’s hot in here, alright? The shirt was ironic. Postmodern, even.

What? Yeah, I have dreams where Borman Ray makes gentle love to me, but those are NIGHTMARES! I’ve been telling you that, bro. You don’t get me.

God, this bit is offbeat. Here, look at this pocket watch I am swinging slowly and rhythmically before your eyes. You do not know who Borman Ray is, do not affiliate me with him or remember the slow burn fanfic I made you read. Ok, that didn’t work. Borman Ray is in front of you so all the memories have already returned.

If you recall, I bought us both VIP passes for the post-show meet & greet. And yes, I purchased them from a hotdog selling scalper outside for five grand each. I only did that so we could hurt Borman Ray back there. That’s how much I DON’T like Borman Ray. I’ve been laughing AT Borman Ray, not WITH Borman Ray. I wish those hotdogs were made OF Borman Ray. And not because I want Borman Ray in my mouth!

OKAY, OKAY. I’m going to hold up three fingers. Pick one. Good. Pick another one. Perfect. That is the order in which I am going to shoot Borman Ray, you, and myself. This is a gun. I’m KIDDING. This is one of those liquor shooting guns. Open your mouth. I am going to make you black out so you forget Borman Ray and myself.

Wait, he just said something funny? Man, I love Borman Ray.

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