TOTALLY GROSS

I’LL BET YOU HOPE IT’S NOT TRUE

Jerome collected every nose booger twist and bit… all of it, so much mucous muck, and all that yucky gunk both stunk and stuck. Some was green and some was brown, but there’s not a precisely acceptable descriptive noun.

PW COLLIER / AI ASSISTED IMAGE

What he planned to do was turn it all into glue. So, that huge pile grew and the smell of that gungy, gloppy, snotty, slime did too.

When it suddenly all expanded and bubbled, Jerome became seriously troubled. It took over his whole home, while it slowly began reshaping, evolving on its own. It grew an eye, lots of thorny tentacles, and a spiny backbone. It all terrified poor Jerome.

Then there was Randall who used earwax to make scented bath candles. Not just his own, he hired more waxy-eared people, since his business had quickly grown, when the bank gave him a considerable business expansion loan. Still, the wax from their ears wasn’t enough, but I can’t even begin to tell you, about that other stuff. That’s all too oozy and downright gag-worthy, since some of it started becoming partially wormy.

PW COLLIER / AI ASSISTED

There are many stories about distasteful cringeworthy worries. They make the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. How are such trends not expected to offend.

Here are a few, with some you’ve most likely heard too:

Fox kept his yellowed toenail clippings in a box. His girlfriend, Kim, on a whim, had a large jar she’d spit in, filling it right up to the brim. Their intentions were only misapprehensions and, also to mention, beyond normal polite manners and social conventions. There should really be psychiatric interventions.

When Gus makes wet, squelchy noises, it’s simply disconcerting, while sampling his own five-star restaurant cooking.

Margaret Sue chomped on her gum until it turned a gooey blackened hue. While sticking it under the table she began her musing, “It’s for others to now find and finish doing the final chewing”

Bird’s of a feather smell bad together. Sylvia’s mattress is so old, it leaks mysterious green mold. There’s nothing much more we need to add, accept the mattress was originally white but now looks plaid. Her boyfriend, Pierre hasn’t washed his bedsheets for over a year, that’s what he brags, and his pillow smells like an old gym bag. Her brother, Doug, loves to give hugs leaving stains and a few bed bugs.

Sam, on the other hand, spoke almost constantly about his growing toe jam. It wasn’t really polite conversation. No one understood his frightfully filthy foul-smelling fixation.

Fred collects hairballs from his shower drain and gives them all pleasant names. There’s Fluffy, Curly, Hairy, and Shirley too, but whatever you do don’t mess with Drew.

Timmy licks all his coins, since he likes their different metallic flavors. Someone should tell him about candy LIFESAVERS.

Cliff sniffs his own socks to determine which foot stinks the most. I’m certain they both smell awfully gross.

Benny belches and burps so powerfully loud, then immediately after seems to be so very proud.

Patty’s toothbrush is very fusty, even a bit crusty, but it’s never ever used, so it’s also very dusty and totally old toothpaste infused.

Christopher wipes his nose and shakes hands, immediately thereafter. It’s that green color of his hand that makes people confused. Should they shake it or not? Is that just snot or decomposition and rot?

Cassie keeps strings of dead cockroaches for kitchen decorations and explains how it halts serious insect infestations.

Lots of painful cries are noisily shared, whenever Rose pulls out those long protruding nose hairs. Whenever someone starts napping or dozes, Rose will cruelly yank them from those other people’s noses.

Fran is too bizarre, collecting her own bad gas discharges in jars, and then mails them to strangers in Qatar.

“I haven’t used deodorant since high school,” Betty will often admit it. Of course, everybody else noticed that she didn’t.

I know what stuff you do too — wait until I tell them about YOU.

If you leave 50 CLAPS, I must be totally wrong about the facts, and you’re completely innocent of any similar acts.

© 2025 Peter W. Collier