I Don’t Mean What I Say

I Don’t Mean What I Say

A raw note to the person who loves me when I can’t love myself

I am the ugliest version of myself when I’m depressed.

Photo by Victoria Volkova on Unsplash

There are times when people feel blessed to have me in their life, and then there are times when they probably want to murder me.

Depression, chest heaviness, a sore brain, heavy eyes, and mood swings are symptoms that can be spelled easily but can’t be digested that easily.

• The Weight I Pass On

Every time I suffered from mental distress, the person who suffered more than me was my partner. Because of how much it hurt, I was never gentle with him. I never told him how I felt. Rather, I made him feel all the rage inside me. All the torment I carried, I exhaled onto him. I made him endure my depression. I said things to him he never deserved to hear.

I regret it, because I didn’t mean any of it. It wasn’t me. It was my mind, too heavy and tangled to work properly.

I felt terrible for him. I wanted to hug him and say I was sorry. I wanted to tell him he didn’t deserve that. I wanted him to know how much I love him, and how blessed I am to have someone who listens to all my hurtful words just so I can feel lighter.

I’m sorry.

• The Question I Keep Asking

But one thing I always wondered…

Am I the only one who does this?

What about the ones whose partners don’t have that same kindness and understanding? How do they cope with their depression? How do they manage to drag themselves out of their own sick mind?

Somehow, my depression makes me grateful for my partner.

• What I Wish For Him

I wish my mind would find some ease, so he could always have my nicest, kindest version. I don’t want him to suffer more than I already suffer from this depression.

After the realization hits, all I want is to give him the happiness he deserves.

And say; I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.

If you’ve ever hurt someone you love in the middle of your own storm, I hope this reminds you: you’re not alone in this, and neither are they.

Photo by Dev Asangbam on Unsplash