There Is No Perfect Version of You Who Gets to Do the Brave Thing

Running 45km Through the Italian Mountains With ADHD, PMDD and Period Pants.

Molveno. Brenta Group Dolomites. Italy, photo by author

Rule Number One: Don’t Book Your Hotel Room on the Top Floor

Seriously though.

Do not do it.

Not when you have just run an ultra marathon solo and your legs are pretending they no longer belong to you. Not when every trip back to your room involves a lift, a corridor, and a door key.

Each time I got in the lift, I had something different in my hands.

Zero beer, the saltiest crisps, herbal tea…cute complimentary biscuits.

I would laugh at myself in the lift mirror each trip. Cradling whatever item I had decided was essential whilst thinking, why do I do this kind of shit?

Then you go outside. You look up at the mountains. And you remember.

Because it is fucking beautiful.

Because it is soul-affirming.

Because it expands the edges of whatever you thought you were capable of.

Because you were born to do this kind of stuff.

Breathe. It. In.

Photo by author

AI Race Plans, Cured Meats, and the Start Line

My first ultra marathon was 45km, with just shy of 3,000m of elevation gain. The first section was basically running up Scotland’s Ben Nevis in terms of altitude gain. (The UK’s tallest mountain at 1,345m)

It was awesome, in the truest sense of the word.

I definitely overpacked my bag. I mean, charcuterie boards are best left for evening entertainment. You would have thought I was heading out into the wilds alone.

I was not.

Hundreds of us set off from beautiful Molveno, all moving together in that neon wave of good nervous that happens at the start of a race. I remember thinking

Fuck! Why are they all running off so fast? Calm down, We’ve got 45km ahead of us!

But that is the thing with mountain ultras — it is not the distance, but the elevation!

The night before, I had used ChatGPT to help me create a race plan. I had uploaded the GPX file, prompted it to give me a plan, and then got it printed out for myself.

It was brilliant. And satisfying.

As I prepped, I remember thinking, God, I wish I was one of those spreadsheet people. Hyper-organized. Naturally systematic. The kind of person who packs in categories, tracks their performance metrics, and doesn’t end up with cured meats in a mountain race bag.

What I Was Carrying to the Start Line

But, I have learned to embrace how I work — why do I mention this?

Because it has taken me quite a bit of inner work to embrace certain aspects of myself and how I move through the world.

At the tender age of 38, I was diagnosed with ADHD.

I had this life-changing confirmation via a phone call in a Marks & Spencer café because I hadn’t organised myself well enough to be anywhere more appropriate, so I just had to deal with that.

Moments after I’d been nonchalantly told what I’d suspected for the last couple of years, two grey-haired dears at the next table started bemoaning the increase in diagnoses.

“Everyone has it these days.” Yes love, I thought…everyone has it!

Eye roll.

Humans saw more stars after the telescope became a thing. Funny that.

Approximately a year and a half later, with my 40th birthday not too far away, I was diagnosed with PMDD. Another lovely little acronym for the collection. It is a premenstrual health condition that is, surprise surprise, underdiagnosed, under-researched, and frankly misunderstood.

Once again, I had been connecting the dots myself.

Eventually, I went to my local GP and then a private GP — Thanks, Klarna.

Getting to that diagnosis was its own endurance event.

My symptoms had seemed to point towards one of two things: PMDD or perimenopause. I basically felt like I had to become a doctor myself, then wait for someone medically qualified to clinically validate what I had already worked out.

PMDD is the unwelcome monthly subscription you never signed up for

I didn’t want another label. I don’t actually like them very much. But sometimes naming something is the only way to stop gaslighting yourself.

And this mattered for the ultra because training for one is not just a case of putting one foot in front of the other until you become an inspirational quote.

Sustained effort is physical.

But it is also neurological.

Hormonal.

Emotional.

Administrative.

It is remembering to send in blood pressure readings for your titration.

It is managing medication.

It is tracking your cycle.

It is trying to remember that “You are not your thoughts”, like your Yoga Training taught you.

Capacity reduces.

Things start to feel overwhelming.

The inner critic rears its head.

The darker thoughts can creep in.

Maybe it would be better if I wasn’t here.

NB. matter how much Eckhart Tolle you dip into, being cognisant of something does not unfortunately negate its effects.

Management takes energy.

Training takes energy.

The week before the race, I was deep in the luteal phase. Tearful, frustrated, and trying to will myself into hill reps.

At the time, I tried to reframe it as a natural taper. And to listen to my body. — Easier said than done.

Source: Mind. Picture created by author

Period Pants to the Rescue

As as luck would have it, I would be running 45km in the mountains while actually menstruating.

Oh, how wonderful.

**Period pants to the rescue! **Side note: they make for an excellent tool when trying to stave off adductor cramp by leaning back on a rock to piss. No tissue paper required. Just portable absorbency you can pull right back up, then run back down a mountain.

To top all of this off, because I had not sent in my blood pressure observations in good time, my ADHD medication was delayed.

This meant I was in the tricky situation of having to ration it before the big event.

This is a serious problem. It is a nervous system stimulant. Reducing it quickly can leave you feeling like the Duracell bunny whose batteries have run out.

Just another thing to manage, right?

On the day itself, I took my normal dose. It was in the recovery days after that, when I took way less, that it felt like I was trying to recovery jog through treacle.

This was not normal post-event fatigue.

This was withdrawal from a controlled substance that I need to print a letter to travel internationally with.

A Determined Little Spark

I did not arrive at that start line as some perfectly prepared, beautifully regulated, spreadsheet-backed version of myself.

I arrived as me.

The one with the overpacked bag, the last-minute printed GPX plan, the period pants, the diagnoses, the delayed medication, the hotel room on the top floor.

Crossing the finish line was a brilliant feeling. Once again, I’d given myself the gift of realising my true capabilities.

As I jogged towards it, a guy I learned was Stefano appeared next to me.

A road angel, no doubt.

Come sono le gambe, hai delle vesciche? How are the legs, you got blisters?

I was okay, so were my feet.

He gestured towards two guys in front of us.

“Li raggiungeremo” — We’ll catch them!

So I ran.

Somehow, after 45km and almost 3,000m of elevation gain, there was something left.

A determined little spark.

I sprinted to the finish with Stefano by my side.

“Corri, dai! Bravissima!” — Run. Go. Well done!

Brenta X-trail Finish Line. Sept 2025. Photo owned by author

I learned a lot from that experience.

I learned that you can be chaotic and capable.

There is no perfect version of you who gets to do the brave thing.

There is just you.

As you are.

With your snacks, your symptoms, your unique systems — or lack thereof. Your body is doing its best, and your heart is dragging you towards something bigger.

Whatever it is you want to do, you do not need permission.

You just need to cultivate enough self-belief.

And then, slowly, messily, brilliantly

— go.

Your heart dragging you towards something bigger. Photo owned by author.

Want to hike with Jennifer in Italy?

check out: adventurewellness.club

Steal the route mentioned in the article https://www.strava.com/activities/15720393281

Listen to her talk about her training experiences here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPJQjnF7ync

Read more about PMDD on Thoughtfultini in our Women’s Health Section.

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