NOT LEGAL ADVICE

Ten Innocent Reasons to Kick Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito in the Nuts

Because apparently making up an innocent reason to do something is enough to do it

A decaying institution - Photo by Tomasz Zielonka on Unsplash

More than once this year, Justice Samuel Alito wrote that the government is allowed to do racist things so long as, in court, it can come up with a non-racist reason for whatever it did.

So here are ten innocent reasons to bludgeon Justice Alito’s testicles with your foot when you really just wanted to kick a racist in the trouser truffles.

1. You were practicing Irish step dancing.

2. You slipped on an ice cream cone you dropped and your legs flew in the air as you toppled over backward.

3. There was a spider on his pants you were pretty sure was poisonous.

4. You were rehearsing for a Rockettes audition and the sun got in your eyes.

5. You’ve gotten really into soccer during the World Cup and mistook his enormous, manly cojones for soccer balls, so it was sort of a compliment.

6. You nodded off on a park bench near him, and you’ve always been a sleep-walker and sleep-roundhouser.

7. You lost yourself in a passionate, outdoor re-enactment of 1995’s “Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers: The Movie” and earnestly believed he was Ivan Ooze.

8. You assumed he would fall in line if you started goose-stepping.

9. Your favorite YouTuber has been talking a lot about developing core strength through explosive lower-body movement, and you thought America’s public servants should benefit from what you’re learning. But you also lost your glasses and have miserable depth perception. When you spotted Alito on the National Mall, you judged him to be 20 feet away, and that’s why you yelled, “Hey Justice Alito, watch this — it will help your tummy muscles!” directly into his face.

10. You don’t exactly know what the justices look like and thought he was Brett Kavanaugh.

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