Gridiron Gorillas & Armpit Farts: Goodman in Everybody’s All-American (1988)

This movie wants us to believe a nimble guy the size of a barn door can play football. Sheesh!

A bad sketch of middle-aged Dennis Quaid and John Goodman playing teenagers in Everybody’s All-American (1988)

Americans love football. Professional, college, high school, pee wee, in the womb, doesn’t matter. Football. THEY LOVE IT.

Everybody’s All-American (1988) goes behind the curtain of the national obsession with the story of beloved Louisiana football hero “‘The Grey Ghost’, Gavin Grey” (Dennis Quaid) and his special lady “Babs” (Jessica Lange) as they navigate stardom and the mediocrity which follows.

Dumb Fact: Goodman already starred with his old buddy Dennis Quaid in a Louisiana-set picture in The Big Easy, and already appeared in a Southern epic with Jessica Lange in Sweet Dreams.

Dumber Fact: This was at least the fifth time Goodman was depicted as a football player or coach in his then fourteen-year career.

Dumbest Fact: Jessica Lange continues to be one-degree of separation from the greatest ape of them all, King Kong (1976)!

A bad sketch of Jessica Lange getting a lift from her giant-ape best-buddy.

John Goodman plays “Lawrence,” The Grey Ghost’s loyal-unless-he’s-not best friend, the type of Southern sophisticate who greets you by chugging a beer and then armpit-farting.

On the field Lawrence is a rampaging beast of an emotional wreck, as liable to fistfight his opponents as he is to block them. Off the field, Lawrence is about as stable, and his degenerate gambling gets him and the Greys into trouble.

Dumb Fact: Football pads are not manufactured in Gorilla sizes. Jerseys could be, depending on the Gorilla.

Dumber Fact: A Monkey wearing a football helmet is inherently funny.

Goodman’s talent shines when Lawrence asks Ghost for inside tips on pro-games, then relents: “I love you, Ghost. I’d never do anything to get you in trouble…”

Goodman plays the scene on the verge of a crying jag, then boils over into laughter, only to finish in the very pit of despair. It’s an impressive display of a character at the end of his rope.

Dumb Fact: Lawrence climbs the Baton Rouge statue of Louisiana Governor Huey Long in the movie. Not only is Goodman already connected to Long in The Survivors, but Goodman will of course go on to play Huey Long himself in Kingfish. Intertext!

Dumber Fact: Very few Great Apes are into sports betting.

A bad sketch of Lawrence wearing jersey number…wha? Hee heeeeeee hee hee heeee. Nice.

There aren’t many character actors, then or now, who could convince you they could legit hold their own in a brawl against three gun-wielding grown men. John Goodman is at the top of the list.

Halfway through the picture, when his gambling chickens come home to roost, Lawrence bellows like a monster as he fights for his life, tossing the men through furniture and into walls like they were nothing. It feels exactly right that (SPOILER) it would take three bullets to his center mass to finally put Lawrence down.

Dumb Fact: Goodman’s a good brawler, but he ain’t no Ape!

This movie has LSU mascot Mike the Tiger in a steel cage, but there are sadly no marmosets or macaques to speak of.

Dumb Fact: Goodman’s a good brawler, but he couldn’t take Mike the Tiger either!

So, Goodman taps out early in this bittersweet slice of Americana, but he’s just about to begin his most popular role yet. Next up, our main man becomes one of sitcom history’s most beloved patriarchs, and our Ape count is-a-gonna-rise!

Running Ape Count: Still 5