foolish one

A personal piece inspired by Taylor Swift’s “Foolish One”

I’ve been wanting to tell you things for quite a while now. Things that cannot be said because there’s this invisible barrier between us that I can’t cross. It’s been a year. I’ve been hurting for a whole year now. I feel like a lot of time has been wasted just because of the patience I have that makes me wait, hope and want. This wanting is like a string tied from my heart to yours, it’s tight, and I hold on. I don’t think I can simply say I love you anymore — it’s more than that now. It’s like I see something in you that’s real and true, and God knows how I want to be closer to it. I want to understand it. I want to share it.

I think about us, about the times we've laughed, and the times we've just been quiet together. And I remember feeling connected, like we were on the same page everyday. But now.. now it feels different. Now it feels like there's something missing. Now it feels like a piece of us is gone, and I don't know how to get it back.

You know how to keep me waitin' I know how to act like I’m fine Don’t know what to call this situation But I know I can’t call you mine And it’s delicate, but I will do my best to seem bulletproof

You know how to keep me waitin'. And I'm always here, aren't I? Always waiting for a text, a call, or a sign that you're thinking of me. I'm always willing to drop everything anytime you reach out.

I know how to act like I'm fine, like I don't love him anymore. It's a practiced skill, I guess. I can laugh and talk about other things, all while my heart is quietly breaking inside. You would never know the truth, unless you looked closely.

I know how to act like I’m fine with him being all friendly to others. I smile and nod, playing the supportive friend, even as jealousy claws at my insides.

I know how to act like I'm fine like I'm not bothered by him saying "sana all" to others who have partners. It is a little stab each time, a tiny reminder that what they have is something I can never have with you?.. But I just laugh it off, pretending it doesn't sting.

I know how to act like I'm not hurting when I know he messages me because of boredom. I tell myself that any attention is better than none. It's hard to ignore the voices that tell me I'm just a convenient distraction when you have nothing better to do.

I know how to act like I don't love anyone right now. It's the easiest lie to tell, the easiest mask.

Don't know what to call this situation. We're friends... We update each other, we share our lives, we offer support and advice. Looks like a normal friendship, but it's so much more complicated than that. Updating, doing suyo to each other, being caring, except I give more of course.. I shower you with affection and attention. And you accept it gratefully, but without ever truly reciprocating.

But I know I can't call you mine, because you really aren't. You belong to yourself, and perhaps to someone else, but never to me? I'm just a friend, a convenient presence in your life. That's the truth. We're just best friends.

And it's delicate, but I will do my best to seem bulletproof. I'll keep my feelings hidden. I'll pretend that I'm strong, that I don't need you. But it's all a lie.. Yes, I'll keep pretending and waiting until it doesn't hurt anymore. Until the yearning fades, until the hope completely dies, until I finally convince myself that this is enough. But deep down, I know it never will be.

But even as I tell myself it will stop hurting, there’s a tiny spark of hope that flickers within me. A hope that maybe someday, you’ll see me, really see me. And that hope is the hardest to kill, because it keeps me chained to this yearning.

I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending that it's okay.

Because the truth is it's not okay. It's not okay to settle for crumbs when I deserve the whole cake. It's not okay to silence my own needs to fit yours. Each time I tell myself "this is fine," a little piece of me dies everyday. I'm becoming a shadow of my former self, like a muted version of the person I was before I fell in love with you unexpectedly.

I remember when I was full of life, I had a sense of self-worth that didn't depend on anyone else's validation. But now… now I feel like I'm just going through the motions, pretending to be happy, pretending to be strong, pretending to be someone I'm not.

And the worst part is, I'm starting to believe my own lies. I'm starting to convince myself that this is all I deserve, that I'm not worthy of more. I'm starting to accept this diminished version of myself as the new normal.

But a small voice whispers, "This isn't you. You're better than this. You deserve more." And that voice… that voice is getting louder each day.

It's telling me that I need to wake up, to break free from this cycle. It's telling me that I need to reclaim my own life, my own happiness, my own sense of self-worth.

It's telling me that maybe, just maybe, it's time to stop pretending and start living. To stop waiting for you to change. To stop settling for "fine," and start demanding.

But the thought of doing that… it's terrifying. It means facing the unknown, it means risking losing you completely, even as a friend. It means stepping outside of my comfort zone and embracing a life that I can't even imagine yet.

But maybe, just maybe, that's exactly what I need to do.

The future is a mystery, but God knows.