Love that never bloom

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“In a field full of flowers, I’d rather enjoy them than pick what I want.”

Loneliness for some people is a form of a nightmare that haunts them, it’s fascinating some people are afraid to be left out, while others feel more alive when they are alone, two different sides of the same coin. But I do enjoy myself when I’m lonely, it feels like I’m free to do anything that I want without anyone complaining, but I get too comfortable in this situation when some flowers are trying to bloom inside my heart.

These butterflies are drawn to a dying flower, hoping to find some remaining nectar.

While I don’t believe it’s entirely useless, hoping for nectar from a dying flower requires a certain level of optimism. People often seem to forget their capacity for reason, blinded by a strange force called love. I’m not oblivious to your efforts, and I’m not using you. You just need to understand why the flower is dying in the first place. It’s futile to water something that’s already beyond saving.

“If love is beautiful, why do all I feel is pain?”

I don’t quite understand, what is the reason that you love me in the first place? All my past, all my memories, just bring me agony in silence. Why should I try and love you back? I never understand what you see in me. Can you replace what Lonely has given me? Peace. Then tell me, why when we are together, you’re not showing me some interest? If love is something to be afraid of, then you can’t love me in the first place.

Do you love me? Until when you’ll love me?

“You can spell ‘fool’ in ‘hopeful’, but you can’t quite see it, because a fool always tries to hide and become someone else.”

Yeah, I think that just sounds like me when it comes to love, sometimes denial is a soft form of rejection, not intended for you, but for me. Loving is a mutual feeling between two parties that feel the same, but I need some guarantee that you like me. Can you do that? It’s not over for both of us but I just need to reassure my old self that you are not like my past.

You are more than enough, I saw what you did when we were walking together, and I think my heart fell into your hand at that moment. All those moments you bring into my life are very precious. But I’m not ready to be us, it’s just not the right time, I enjoy myself when I’m lonely more than I’m with you.

Some flowers are meant to not bloom. Yet.

Believe me when I say that I love you for a moment, I consider you as my person, I understand that we could be something unmatched, but I can’t see you in my eyes. You are perfect in your caliber and I do enjoy every moment we spent and every hour we walked by the park that day. I sometimes dream about you, but I can’t love you back, it’s not like I don’t want to but it’s like — ” My old self is jealous that I’m happy and leave her alone in agony.”

The past trauma that keeps haunting me is not letting me feel the joyfulness that you give. I admired you for loving someone so deep just like how you love me, but I’m so sorry that I can’t bloom for you. All my life I’ve been living with trauma that let me find loneliness itself, sometimes I feel pity with myself but to be honest I can’t blame anyone for this. Loneliness is not listening, but it always accompanies me wherever I go. Loneliness is a form of emotion that can’t get out from you or your past that makes you feel insecure around anybody and lets you be consumed in an individual realm alone without anyone except yourself.

“If love ever finds me again, I want you to be my river of gold in the fields full of roses.”