The Versions of Me I Have Not Met Yet

“Potential is one of the few things humans can mourn before it is even lost.”

I sometimes fear of how much things may change just because I don’t realise my potential, Or If I don’t use my full potential. How much things might have been changed in past If I didn’t underestimate myself. But then another question arises in me, If I didn’t used my potential Is it even mine to mourn on?

But how is the potential which is unused by me even mine? WE all have two options in our life, what we can do and What we want to do. In other words

“Every person carries two lives: the one they live, and the one they were capable of living.”

My Biggest fear is Overlooking the life I was capable of just because I was too overwhelmed and stressed by the life I’m living.

I feel this fear every day in between pending assignments and silly jokes, academic confinements and living with folks, constant refinements and reckless hopes, quiet requirements and pending notes, between who I could become and who I am the most, between imagined greatness and ordinary chores, I fear the difference between the self I dream about and the self the mirror shows, And what to choose between unfinished potential and familiar roads. I exist somewhere between who I am and who I hope to become the most.

You can find me somewhere between distant ambitions and present ghosts

(Yup It rhymes, I made sure it does and it took me around an hour so appreciate it, If you don’t believe try reading again)

Maybe that is what growing up truly feels like: carrying two versions of yourself at the same time ~ the person visible to everyone else, and the person you silently believe you could still become.

And perhaps that is why ambition feels so heavy at times. Not because of the work itself, but because every unfinished idea quietly reminds you of the distance between your present self and your imagined one.

I know it is wrong but I often times overestimate myself thinking I’m greater than people around me, That I deserved more

But then one thing which I keep on realising is It is not about what I can be, it is about what I chose to be and sadly what I previously choose to be is what I am now.

I don’t have any right to grieve over what I could be, I don’t have any right to do that because what I could be is just a version of What I chose not to be and that’s what has made the difference of who I am and who I used to dream to be

At eighteen, I already feel caught between multiple futures: the one people expect from me, the one I secretly want for myself, and the one I fear I will settle for. I do not know which version of me will survive by twenty-two.

But then again, I doubt If I will survive till that long, and even if I do Will I even be one from any of these versions at 22 or a new version will come. Again, idk for better or worse

~Krisha (Some of my overthinking at the midnight…. Just for record for the future version of mine)