Growing up feminine — a guy’s story

Hello to whoever is reading this.

I’m not in the position to give advice to anyone since i believe before you give advice to others you have to completely have understood their situation. In this case, i don’t know the situation of whoever you are. I don’t even know if you are reading this bcs u have experienced something similar or for any other reason. However, what i can do is tell you my story and what i’ve experienced so you may learn from it if some part relates to you. It is not my intention to denigrate any guy and I sincerely hope that it helps people go through their problems and learn how to accept themselves. Specially to people doubting about whether they are gays or transexuals, i hope my experience helps you.

I have a problem. I’ve heard that when you tell someone your problems they suddenly become less important or at least more bearable. It makes sense, two people are better at holding a weight than one, right? Although I would not want my parents or no one from my family to be the ones that hold this burden with me. That would make it more complicated i think.

If i tell those that know for a long time like my family, not only do i fear their reaction, but i fear that i cannot go back to the way things are right now. To how they see me right now. I mean, i wouldn’t care if they saw me different if i indeed were a different person, but that’s not how i feel. My burden, my problem, is something that i don’t want to be and don’t feel identified by. As of right now, when i think about it, about the moments when i’m affected by that burden, is like i see a different person that is not me. There is me, and then there is this other person that acts in a way that is opposite to how i would act. If i’m not mistaken, the psychologist Carl Jung calls this a person’s shadow. The part of an individual that is a representation of one’s repressions and guilts. Basically, in broad and simple terms, someone’s dark side. The side that i want to get rid of but i don’t seem to be able to do, maybe impossible to do.

I think it’s been a decade since i’ve done this. Engaging in this stupid and hellish activity that drags me down every time. That doesn’t let me enjoy my alone times. That makes me feel ashamed every time i face my parents. Actually, not only my parents, i could say I’m embarrassed every time i’m with somebody that thinks I’m a good person. Yesterday, i looked at myself in the mirror and realized for the first time that my face that has always shown an innocent and cute kid is now a curse. A curse because people do look at me as I’m innocent. As if i were incapable of breaking a dish. Only I know that is not true.

I’ve watched trillions of YouTube videos explaining why i should not masturbate, consume p*rn or engage in any type of “immoral” sexual activity. I’ve also watched thousands of guys giving me a “simple” guide to quitting all of that. The sad truth: none of those efforts have provided fruit.

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