No Hard Feelings

No Hard Feelings

this message is from my papa when i ask him for his pray in 7th July

This is actually my 7th of July – one I never really expected.

I didn’t expect much. Not a new boyfriend (I once really want actually) , not even something clear I truly wanted. But Allah gave me this moment.

He placed me in a situation I once believed I didn’t deserve, one I thought I wasn’t capable of handling.

And now, I’m standing here. Without a lover – because I don’t have one – and I’m okay with that.

I see myself change. Blossom.

Or maybe… this 7th of July feels like autumn. Autumn, when all my feelings for any guy fell – orangely falling and gone with the wind.

So I changed. And everything became different – in a good way.

I wonder how this season came so fast.

It feels like just a year ago I gave my trust, my hope, my love to someone who gave me twelve colorful things he called birthday gifts. Back then, I was trying to heal a heartbreak caused by someone else (or maybe partly by myself too, unintentionally).

And now it’s still me. Here. Distance anyone not because I hate people – I’m just too busy to keep up with anyone (aka i have lot working like allow me to put some jogess here iykyk).

I don’t have the perfect words to express how I feel.

But Allah, I know You know how happy I am. Even if no guy gives me small surprises, I can do something bigger – for myself. Now I realize, You know me better than I know myself. You placed me here, and You know exactly what I need.

23 sounds like he left me, but I’m doing better without him. Like in that bridge: “She’s still 23, inside her fantasy…” It’s true, cause now I do really live in a fantasy my younger self used to dream of.

Sometimes, things still feel heavy.

But I can’t imagine where I’d be at 23 if I didn’t choose this path.

I’m alone, but my loneliness feels full.

Full – when I pay my own bills, spend time sipping coffee, save up to buy the things I once only put it into the basket🧺.

Ya Allah, I feel so full.

I wonder what my 20-year-old self would say seeing me now; working hard, healthier, happier, no boyfriend – but not feeling lonely.

And now I’m writing this on my 7th of July, in English, posted on Medium, repeatedly reading how my heart speaks into the words, honestly, beautifully.

One thing I really want is to stay down-to-earth in a world full of arrogance.

Deep in my heart, I ask Allah to keep me away from anything that makes me forget to Him.

Just like how easily Allah helped me let go of falling in love too easily.

I’ve got the good and the bad – all in last summer.

But I chose to come back to Allah (its not that easy but i just keep coming back, keeping my faith).

Ya Allah, please lead me to good people, good work, good partners, good students, their kind parents, and good impressions.

And when life twists in a direction I don’t understand, help me return to the right track.

If this 7th of July were an album,

I’d call it Reputation —

Just like Taylor Swift, who disappeared for a while, quietly growing, making progress in silence – then came back strong and surprised everyone.

I want to be that plot twist.

One that makes everyone – especially my past self – clap with pride.

So in this 7th of July, I’m ready.

Ready for whatever qadr Allah give me.

Ready to accept it surrender.

And most of all —

with No Hard Feelings

23.23