Two Million “Therapy Sessions”

White House Dismisses Two Million Protesters as “Therapy Sessions” — NHS Wishes It Could Dismiss Queues So Easily

The White House, displaying the kind of confident detachment from observable reality that the British have always privately admired in Americans, responded to two million people marching through every state of the union on Saturday by issuing a medical diagnosis. White House spokeswoman Abigail Jackson — presumably having completed her psychiatry residency between press briefings — declared the “No Kings” demonstrations to be nothing more than “Trump Derangement Therapy Sessions,” noting that “the only people who care about these are the reporters who are paid to cover them.”

NHS England, which currently has 7.5 million people on its waiting list and cannot dismiss so much as a sprained ankle, was understood to be taking notes.

Two Million Americans March; One Spokeswoman Remains Unconvinced

More than 3,100 events were registered across all 50 American states, from Manhattan to a town called Driggs in Idaho, which has fewer than 2,000 residents and is — one must conclude — absolutely seething. The progressive coalition Indivisible, which organised much of the day’s activity, estimated participation at two million, a figure the White House characterised as the product of “leftist funding networks.” The White House did not explain how leftist funding networks arranged a protest in Idaho, a state Donald Trump carried with 66 per cent of the vote in 2024, but one suspects the accounting is forthcoming.

As Frankie Boyle once observed of politicians who ignore inconvenient evidence: “They’re not in denial — denial would require them to have noticed in the first place.” The administration, to its credit, has streamlined the process entirely.

The Couch Has Left the Building — and Is Currently Blocking the M25

The centrepiece of the day’s therapy was held at the Minnesota State Capitol in St. Paul, where the bill featured Bruce Springsteen performing his new song “Streets of Minneapolis,” a ballad concerning the deaths of two American citizens — Renee Good and Alex Pretti — shot by federal agents during the Trump administration’s immigration operations earlier this year. Senator Bernie Sanders and Governor Tim Walz also addressed the crowd. Joan Baez sang. It was, by any reasonable measure, an unusual programme for a collective nervous breakdown, though it must be acknowledged that the British have attended worse concerts and called them Glastonbury.

Elsewhere, in Palm Beach County, Florida — a fifteen-minute drive from Mar-a-Lago — thousands gathered on a grassy public space near a Target. Counter-protesters arrived to defend the county’s most famous resident. A disc jockey played Bruce Springsteen, Bob Marley, and Tracy Chapman. The two sides chanted at each other across a car park, which is as close as Florida politics gets to the Oxford Union.

The Self-Righteous Left Turns Out in Force, Bless Them

To practise the kind of scrupulous fairness that distinguishes The London Prat from lesser publications — which is to say, briefly and with visible effort — the progressive left did not exactly cover itself in intellectual rigour on Saturday. Giant inflatable Trump babies drifted over Los Angeles. In Seattle, a group of people dressed as insects in tactical vests spelling “LICE” conducted what their organiser called a “mock and awe” campaign, apparently under the impression that a man dressed as a louse is the decisive argument against executive overreach. A protester in Kansas appeared in a frog-king costume. One respects the commitment to the bit, if not the political philosophy underpinning it.

Many demonstrators carried placards demanding socialism with the breezy confidence of people who have never queued for a British passport, waited eighteen months for an NHS hip replacement, or attempted to navigate a government website that was last updated during the Blair administration. As Jimmy Carr has noted, “Socialism is a great idea — right up until you need something done by Tuesday.” The protesters calling for government-run everything whilst marching through a city whose artisan coffee shops charge six pounds for an oat milk flat white did not appear troubled by the contradiction. Contradictions, like queueing, are for other people.

What unites the moronic Marxist fringe with the sensible majority of Saturday’s marchers is the one thing they all showed up for: the Iran war. President Trump launched joint strikes with Israel against Iran exactly one month ago, an operation that has killed more than 1,500 Iranian civilians, 13 American service members, sent fuel prices surging globally, and given the phrase “Mission Accomplished” a chance to retire permanently from the English language. The fuel price rises are being felt as far away as the British forecourt, where motorists are already accustomed to weeping quietly beside the pump.

Dollar Bills, Trump’s Signature, and the Inevitable Comparison to a Very Particular Kind of British Pub Memorabilia

Two days before the protests, the United States Treasury announced it would begin printing dollar bills bearing Donald Trump’s signature, making him the first sitting American president to autograph his own nation’s currency. The pound sterling, which has survived the English Civil War, two world wars, and the 2022 mini-Budget, remains autograph-free. The Bank of England released no statement, as the Bank of England does not do that sort of thing.

Senator Kirsten Gillibrand of New York announced she would introduce legislation prohibiting presidents from placing their name, likeness, or signature on federal property or currency. “In America,” she said, “we do not bow to kings.” The bill’s prospects in the current Congress are roughly equivalent to those of a pub landlord asking his regulars to stop putting their names on bar stools.

Midterm Candidates March, Canvass, and Attempt to Look Spontaneous

Democratic candidates for November’s midterm elections joined the protests in scenes that the British might recognise as a cross between a party conference and a very long ward surgery. Governor Janet Mills of Maine attended three separate protests in one day, a performance that would earn a standing ovation at any Labour selection meeting. In Michigan, two competing Senate primary candidates held rival rallies in the same city simultaneously, a feat that suggests the Democratic Party’s gift for co-ordination remains, as ever, a work in progress.

Pete Buttigieg — former transport secretary, former presidential candidate, and perpetual almost — attended a rally in Traverse City, Michigan. Senator Cory Booker joined one in St. Louis whilst on a book tour, which raises the question of whether his publisher’s publicist is working very hard or not hard enough.

Trump’s approval rating has fallen to 36 per cent, according to a Reuters/Ipsos poll — its lowest since his return to the White House. The president spent Saturday at his golf club in Florida and made no public comment. In Britain, we understand this instinct. When the nation is marching, sometimes the wisest thing a leader can do is go for a walk.

The diagnosis was derangement. The prognosis is November. And the waiting list, unlike the NHS’s, closes on election day.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!

The “No Kings” movement, organised by the progressive coalition Indivisible and the advocacy group 50501, held its third national day of protest on 28 March 2026, with an estimated two million participants across more than 3,100 events in all 50 American states. The protests were catalysed by President Donald Trump’s decision a month earlier to launch joint military strikes with Israel against Iran — a conflict that has killed more than 1,500 Iranian civilians and 13 American service members, and driven up fuel prices worldwide. Additional grievances included aggressive Immigration and Customs Enforcement operations in Minnesota, where federal agents fatally shot two American citizens — Renee Good and Alex Pretti — in separate incidents in January 2026, and the Treasury Department’s announcement that dollar bills would henceforth bear Trump’s signature. White House spokeswoman Abigail Jackson dismissed the demonstrations as “Trump Derangement Therapy Sessions.” The American midterm elections, which will determine the composition of Congress, are scheduled for November 2026.

Originally published at https://prat.uk on March 29, 2026.