The Real Housewives of King Solomon — The Saga

Episode 4 (A Mockumentary)

Previously on The Real Housewives of Solomon

Can you introduce yourself to our viewers, please?

Cut.

That man walked into the room like he owned half of Canaan.

Cut.

Coming from someone who thinks a scroll is a love letter?

Cut.

If five nights a week counts, that’s how well he’s been handling me.

Cut.

Can’t we just end an episode in peace?

PRODUCTION CREDITS

A not-so-silent production by:

Beyond the Verses

In association with:

Whispers from the Palace Halls™

Based on loosely verified truths, exaggerated gists, and unspoken confessions.

And with that, we welcome you to the fourth episode of our humble (slightly chaotic) production: THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SOLOMON — THE SAGA

We are getting close to the end of this season. 👀Surprised? Yea. There’s always an end to everything, but don’t worry, we still have two episodes to go!

Narrator: Oh yes! We have a fan name. It’s called…(Pauses)TRHoKS…Hmm, I like it.

See you in the studio!

Episode 4:

Director: Ready?

Narrator: Always

In 3, 2, 1…Action.

Narrator: (Lets out a deep sigh) Did I miss you guys? Not sure. As much as I dread anchoring this show, (leans close to camera and whispers) I kind of enjoy being here. Tell no one. Especially my director.

Director: (Off-screen) What are you doing?

Narrator: (Clears throat) Ahem! Clearing my throat.(Stares at the cards in his hand and sits up)

Soo, my people! I have come bearing updates from Jerusalem. While you were away, our dearest King Solomon acquired 31 more wives, and 10 concubines. Is he secretly running a pageantry company?

Is something happening behind the scenes that we aren’t aware of? Please, let us know if you want us to feature the king again before we end the season. I am sure some of you have questions for him.

Today, we have someone special we want you all to meet. And that’s none other than the king’s mother. Our queen dowager, Bathsheba.

(Camera shifts and focuses on a beautiful jeweled woman in red and cream patterned silk dress)

Bathsheba: Thank you, Isaac.

Director & Cameraman: (Chorus in unison) Isaac?

Narrator:Er…my name is Isaac. The Queen and my family used to be neighbors.

Moving on… (Clears throat again) Welcome once again, Queen Bathsheba. We are honoured to have you.

Bathsheba: (Chuckles dryly) Honour? That rarely comes by these days.

Narrator: Uhm, I guess. So, we had the queens over in the previous episode. They were everything but… (Director glares at him) We…we had a nice time together. I’d like to ask, how has life been since the late king passed on?

Bathsheba: Far from quiet. But everyone knows it’s best to stay out of my way. (Smiles firmly)

Narrator: And how has your relationship been with the other queens?

Bathsheba: Queens? What queens?

Narrator: (Surprised) The wives of-

Bathsheba: You mean those ones. The girls taking turns in my son’s bedroom? (laughs out loud) They need one or twenty lessons on how to be a queen. Queens don’t act like that. Queens don’t live like that. If Ahinoam were here, she would spit on them. God bless her soul.

Narrator: You don’t seem to be in support of your son’s decisions, especially in his choice of women. Do you think-

Bathsheba: I don’t think anything. My opinions are solely mine, same as his. He is man enough, and I very well trust his judgment. But women… Women are deceitful, the wrong ones, even more dangerous. They can bring the strongest man to his ruin.

Narrator: Would Uriah say the same about you?

Silence. Everyone in the studio freezes. Even the camera wobbles slightly.

Bathsheba: (Unblinking) I beg your pardon?

Narrator: (Chuckles nervously) It was… just a reflective question.

Bathsheba: (Leans forward slightly) Isaac, right? (He nods) Let me offer you a piece of advice in two words. Tread carefully. I hold no grudges, but when I do, you will be the last to hear of it.

Narrator: (Wipes imaginary sweat) Yes, your highness. (Stomach rumbles) I need to use the restroom.

Show switches to confessionals.

Camera man: How do you feel? You’re still sweating.

Narrator (Confessional): I don’t know. Do you think…Do you think it’s because I know her, that’s why I feel this way? Unsettled. I literally just saw my life flash before my eyes.

Camera man: It’s not that deep.

Narrator (Confessional): Do you know who she is? The King might not care so much for his wives, but his mother. Oh please, I don’t want to be the first scapegoat.

Camera cuts back to show.

Bathsheba: Any more questions for me?

Narrator: (Flips question cards with shaky hands) Ye-yes. I have questions for you on the queens. Like I earlier stated, we had three of them in the previous episode.

Bathsheba: Yea, I saw that. It was interesting.

Narrator: Uhm, cool. What do you think of Abishag?

Bathsheba: You’re married…yes?

Narrator: Yes.

Bathsheba: If your wife got along with another man, how are you supposed to feel about that man?

Narrator: (Swallows hard) I…I suppose I wouldn’t be thrilled.

Bathsheba: Exactly. That’s how I feel about Abishag. No further comment.

Narrator: Understood. (Quickly flips to another card) And…what about Naamah?

Bathsheba: (Distastefully) She’s an Ammonite, but her boy is my blood. That’s the only reason I look her way.

Narrator: And Jemira?

Bathsheba: I was never in support of her marriage. She knows that, so she avoids me like a plague.

Narrator: Would you welcome the idea of a round table discussion with them?

Bathsheba: What’s there to discuss?

Narrator: Maybe a motherly advice. Tips on how they can be supportive wives to your son.

Bathsheba: What’s the point? My son would do just fine without them.

Narrator: Aha (Laughs nervously) Let us know if you change your mind.

Bathsheba: Isaac… I am very familiar with your game. (Leans close) Looking for bait? Go for Queen Sheba, not me. (Smiles tightly) Thank you for your time.

(The entire set goes quiet. Bathsheba walks out of the studio. Then the Director breaks the silence.)

Director: (Off-screen) That…was intense. So who’s going to send a proposal to Queen Sheba?

Narrator: …