NRE & Couple’s Privilege

I promised I would write in more detail on these, and so here we are. But I just wanna say that the authors of “More Than Two,” Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux cover these topics really well.

New Relationship Energy, essentially “the honeymoon phase” for any couple- this honeymoon affects the lovers left at home. I would define it as the extra excitement and fun of a brand new relationship, things to discover and surprises around every corner. The unavoidable “preference” to spend time and energy on someone new and unknown, likely at the cost of time and energy with others.

The good- New relationship energy is wonderful for you and your new partner. It can last a few weeks, or over a year, there’s really no telling. NRE adds a special bit of anticipation and excitement, and it lends itself to a sort of peaceful place. That is, you’re less likely to fight because quirky habits and small mistakes are more likely to be endearing or glossed over in the interest of preserving the honeymoon as long as possible.

The bad- It is less wonderful for your existing partners, indirectly. NRE is not a harmful thing, and it is not an attack on your other partners. However, the feelings of NRE may distract you and lead you to make choices that prioritize some people over others. It can also be hard to witness for your long term partners, if they compare themselves, and if their relationship with you seems less spicy for the moment.

The balance- If you and yours are polyamorous, then you’re in multiple valuable relationships because you all want to be- not because you have particular obligations or quotas. When you’ve been with someone for a long time, things grow into routines and we can take them for granted- but if this is a relationship you value then you can’t let that become an issue. Long term relationships usually last because they are going well. While they may not always be as spicy or eventful as the first few months were, they hold lots of pleasure in comfort and growing trust. NRE is a wonderful thing for you and a new partner, and you don’t need to feel guilty for it and you don’t need to dismiss it. Those feelings and that excitement is special and valid, and a wonderful part of every new relationship. So appreciate it, revel in it a bit- and enthuse about your new relationship and invest in it as you want. However, make a conscious effort to make time and energy for those relationships that were pre-existing. Even if those relationships are more day-to-day or nesting, make an intentional effort to have romantic and fun moments with these other partners you have been growing with. Set some time “goals” if it helps, set specific date nights, discuss boundaries. Let NRE be wonderful and beneficial, don’t let it take away from other pleasant and excellent people in your life.

On the flip-side, we consider Couples’ Privilege. This can manifest in different formats, I will focus on 1.Committed long term couples looking for a third and 2. Nesting or life-partners opening their relationship. In both of these scenarios, there may be an acknowledged or unacknowledged hierarchy; wherein the existing or long-term partner is given consistent priority and even authority over your other relationships and your other partners. While I’m neutral on hierarchies generally, it’s important that you’re aware of them. And hierarchy is one thing, authority over metamours is another, and that’s almost never ok (exceptions for dom relationships, consenting situations, etc).

The good -The positive aspects of couples’ privilege, or more accurately just of a longer-term or more intertwined partner involve trust and reliance; security. You know this person very well, to a degree you can predict their reactions and you have a pretty good understanding of their expectations. You are probably more comfortable having difficult and/or intimate conversations with them. You have faced and overcome obstacles before, they are a tried and tested partner in many aspects of your life. These are good things; whether romantic or platonic, having reliable team members in your life will bring success and comfort. An additional factor is that often-times long term or nesting partners come with very specific added responsibilities- family & kids, or financial, or household responsibilities. Sometimes a couple who joined together in a monogamous setting and has gone on to have and raise children, then choose to open their relationship. While this is as valid as any polyam relationship, it does come with some extra complicating factors. Children are never secondary considerations. Looking explicitly at the positive side of this coin, having a partner or partner(s) that you trust enough to raise children together and knowing that they care for and are just as invested in your children is a joy I hope to experience one day. For everyone involved it can allow the process of raising children to be a much more manageable shared responsibility. This trust and reliance that is often a part of couples’ privilege applies also to scheduling, to interacting with family, to career advancement and considerations. This person knows exactly what your hopes and goals are; without you having to explain the background every time, and presumably, they have made a commitment to help you achieve them if they are a long-term presence.

The bad- There are undeniably very awesome things that come with a strong couple(+) or established partnership. However, there are also potential dangers that you should be wary of with respect to how they affect your other relationships.

A common situation I see folks describing is one in which one partner is controlling another partner. That is, someone controlling their metamour through a mutual lover. The long-standing partner may use their status and couples privilege to request things that go beyond boundaries. As a reminder, boundaries should be about yourself, at the stage where the requests are about other people, that’s no longer a boundary and it may be in controlling territory. ‘You can only take her out on Friday’s.’ ‘I don’t want you to spend money on that trip with them.’ ‘You have to tell me when you two do “X”.’ These are some examples, these are distinct from the boundaries which apply to yourself or to “all partners’“ as opposed to one person, such as; ‘Can our date night be Friday because of schedules.’ ‘Please don’t use money from our joint account for dates/trips.’ ‘Always use a condom for all partners.’ Your newer partner is an individual in their own right; with their own life, needs, and expectations. While new to your life, they are not new to life itself, and they are not subject to the whims of someone you’ve simply known longer. Further, a new partner is consenting to date you, not necessarily your partner. If this is a triad+ situation, then everyone should be involved in all decisions, no couple or individual should be set over the others lives. Again, hierarchies within a relationship dynamic are your call as long as everyone getting involved is aware and consenting, but where a hierarchy might affect how much time you spend with someone it should never grant authority of any kind from one person over a separate person, especially regarding matters outside of relationships.

Let’s run through a couple more examples of this. A common couple’s privilege would be pre-owning (or even pre-renting) a home that a third then moves into. Whether dating one or both of the prior residents, there are situations where the new party might feel they are not empowered and there might be situations where de facto they really are not empowered. If you have a long-standing chore routine, or an expectation of cleanliness (or lack thereof) in your home between the two of you; the new party has a right to assess that routine and input their own perspective. The long-standing couple may expect the third to mesh into all the existing patterns and lifestyles. But these need to be reconsidered any time you have a new housemate (romantic or not)! Another situation might be intimidation. The wife that actually owns the house and has lived here for 10yrs expresses she doesn’t like it when you bring your work friends over and hang out in the living room. While not a rule, this certainly feels like an instruction, and who are you, a resident of a few months, to argue with the woman who’s name is on the mortgage? This is the kind of altercation that can fully go under the radar. Because it’s not official, it doesn’t come up as a negotiation or even a rule. These are a couple of scenarios that highlight this issue, but lots of other instances would fall in this category as well.

Another common issue we see in the community is the use of Vetoes. A couple agrees to open their relationship on the condition that the individuals (usually the partner that is less interested in polyam) has the right to object to anyone at any time and require you to cut off that connection. Sometimes this sounds reasonable to the long-term partners ahead of time. In an effort to always protect their own relationship first, they can explore other relationships without ever actually “challenging” their own. When vetoes happen the newer partner is always harmed. They may be cut off with little to no warning, for what seem like petty reasons. Sometimes vetoes come into play because the relationship is going too well, which is even worse. I will say a common anecdotal ending I see is that the hinge that is asked to eliminate the new partner in a veto scenario almost always is angry and resentful of the occurrence even if vetoes were agreed upon ahead of time. They find themselves regretting that agreement, in a situation where ultimately all parties seem unhappy and have their security threatened.

And then backing up to the broader view once again; just general disrespect and tackiness from a standing couple towards newer or more “outside” partners occurs far too often. Dismissive comments indicating that your schedule or your life obligations matter more, or that they’re more real are at the very least- rude. The comments may be accidental or purposeful, but they are disrespectful regardless. Disrespecting the time your partner spends with your metamour by texting excessively during their time together or insisting on a timeline that is for your comfort rather than theirs. This shows you think your comfort and happiness, in respect to your couple-hood, takes precedence over theirs. And again, usually everyone grows a great deal of resentment and tension in this situation.

The balance- Many of the issues with a couple’s privilege arise from either thoughtlessness or from personal insecurity (which is an observation not a criticism!) Unreasonable requests are made or rules set because the couple is uncertain of their own stability and how outside parties will affect it. Or the existing couple is so secure in their importance that they automatically/subconsciously consider all other connections less-than.

Opening a previously monogamous relationship is difficult. It’s messy and scary, even if you’re doing it right. It is hugely key to keep the above in mind and make intentional choices and actions to endorse empowerment in the new and extended relationships. BUT, with respect to taking baby steps, I do recommend temporary boundaries. These can help you ease into a couple new life changes at a time. Perhaps initially your partner only goes on dates when you’re at work, perhaps you have a 6-month barrier general policy, or maybe your pre-existing-partner asks that during a particularly difficult month (death of a family member, job issues, etc) no new partners be introduced because he needs more focused support. These kinds of boundaries are okay. As mentioned in previous posts, these kinds of things are good and normal as long as 1.everyone (in this case all pre-existing relationships) understands and consents and 2. The rule is temporary. And temporary means setting a timeline or end-event. These can be dates or specific events (ie: a week after I start my new job, after we’ve all had a chance to meet, etc). When setting temporary boundaries do not leave a vague ending that can be interpreted differently and pushed off indefinitely- “sometime next spring”, “when I feel comfortable” or “maybe after 2 months” are not proper temporary boundaries. It will leave the new partner and Hinge walking on eggshells and having to take two steps back at unexpected times out of caution. This violates the security of the new relationship, and the reliability of consent in your existing relationship. The Hinge that is fulfilling a temporary restriction for one partner may fear, subconsciously, that their longer-term partner is allowing them to do something that they might revoke at any time. One partner should not ever be in charge of your other partner, and they should never be in charge of you generally (exception: dom relationship, etc etc,) Your partner has key input and control of themselves and of your (the two of you) relationship. In a healthy relationship of any sort, this involves a lot of talking, a lot of reflecting, and a lot of trial and error. The key is always always to be prepared to make adjustments, to be sure everyone is informed and consenting, and to be respectful of all parties- even the ones you’re not dating!

To be respectful of metamours and of your partner’s other relationships, when setting a boundary or taking general bigger actions in life consider whether it is a decision about you & yours or a decision that affects others. An adjustment to your schedule on a night you already normally spend with your partner is easy, but a major adjustment to the entire weekly schedule that disrupts your partner and meta’s standing date night which is based on their schedule- is rude. Getting a new apartment or car is awesome for you, also awesome if it is joint with a partner. However, if the new apartment is significantly farther away from a meta or if a major purchase will ultimately affect your meta- more discussion needs to happen. Now on the reverse, this does not mean your meta can control whether or not you move or where to. It just means you need to talk about it more and see if there is compromise, where there is not compromise see if you can accommodate. This looks like: a compromise would be finding an apartment closer to meta (in this scenario you live with the hinge). If you really need this certain house or location though, an accommodation might be adjusting the schedule so your partner spends multiple days in a row with meta or perhaps the hinge helps with gas money. Accommodations can look like a lot of things, they’re about being flexible and respectful.

The last major balancing item I want to highlight is informed consent. I hope and trust that you’re all very focused on what informed consent looks like in your sex-life, but for all types of couples+ there also needs to be informed consent about relationship styles and practical logistics. Always inform new partners if some kind of hierarchy or “nesting rules” exist before they are too involved to make an objective decision. Be open about your life, your other partners, your priorities and obligations. It does no one any good to have a fantastic vacation-fling and then try to shove that experience into your day-to-day without consideration for time, work, family, money- etc. Just be up front and honest basically.

I often think of NRE & couple’s privilege as two sides of a coin. The pros and cons of each are ultimately about being respectful and empathetic towards your extended connections.

Everyone, especially polyamorous folks, make errors. As long as these are mistakes, a matter of unanticipated issues or something of the sort- then that’s fine and normal. Now you know a new boundary needs to be discussed and addressed. If you are worried about either NRE or couple’s privilege impacting your other partnerships, don’t let that dampen the benefits of these situations; just be wary. Be smart, talk a lot, be reflective, be forgiving, be considerate.

PS: I do not know why this one specific post took me literally over a year to write, but it did and I’m sorry. Hope to be posting on a consistent schedule again now.

-Hot & C