Bad Faith

Genre: Short Story

Written: October 2024

5th October 2025

“Akshat , it’s already 8:20 am , when are you leaving for school? ” said my mother from the kitchen , when I , after dressing for school , was busy looking myself in the mirror , fancying about my looks , watching myself from different postures and angles. I grabbed my bag , said goodbye to my mother and went out for school with quick steps. It’s already 5th of October , isn’t the temperature supposed to be moderate ? , but today was such a scorching heat that I almost felt like I will fall down on ground before reaching school , anyways , in school , everything was as usual , Shivani ma’am , as usual , has given homework for today as well , and I as usual , was careless enough to postpone my homework every hour yesterday, on the next hour , and then sleeping without doing it and then in the morning , very abruptly , asking Chat GPT to do it, and then copying it and then … Funny thing was that she never suspected me of plagiarism until now , the reason is that I am a brilliant enough student (and her favourite too !) and is on the 1st position in my class from last 4 years , and gives correct answers confidently whenever she asks follow up questions (She rarely does that!) , while the other students get easily caught most of the time they try to copy. Anyways , rest of the periods followed without anything unusual , so I am not going to bore you by the musings of what I learnt today.

Goodnight

Yours Akshat

10th October 2025

I am a sick man , I despise myself , and yet , can’t get rid of myself, cloud of uncertainty and sadness looms over my head. Yes, it’s true that I am a brilliant student in school , but that is the result of just one month before exam! , shocked? hmm? but that’s true! , forget about my former writings where I told you in detail how I love physics and mathematics and various other subjects , that was all a lie ! I am telling you the truth for first time , I hate these subjects , rather academics as a whole , from the last three months I am trying to genuinely study and trying various methods to ignite my interest , but my interest goes as far as I come to know that light is actually formed of oscillating electric and magnetic waves , or changing magnetic fields produces current inside the loop . As soon as the rigorous derivations of Maxwell’s equations or Faraday’s law and workings of generator start , I feel like trudging and dragging myself forcefully to understand the derivations . Today I genuinely tried to study , but as soon as those rigorous derivations came , all of my senses started looking outside , searching for something else , anything other than those gloomy derivations , and then followed a fight between me and my senses , after half an hour or so of constant tussle , I lost to my senses , and then pick up my phone , saying let’s take a break of 5 minutes. How that break of 5 minutes turned into 2 hours , I don’t know , but one thing I know for sure , this study is too much for me to handle , I am thinking of just stop worrying about it , and as before , study before one month to maintain my rank , what’s your view on that ? ahem … I know you can’t speak , anyways.

Goodnight

Yours Akshat

20th October 2025

From some months , I am noticing myself and my actions . I have discovered that there is a ten dency of self- appraisal within me , probably in my subconscious , which pervades almost all of my existence. let’s give it a name … vanity ? , pride ? , hmm … no , I think ego will be a better word , this ego has eaten me up , yes , I hate it , yet I cannot get away with it . I have noticed it from my very minute actions to very large ones , one example is listening to rap songs of Tupac , Jay-z , Lil Wayne and Eminem while in the bathroom! yes! , whenever I throw a tub full of water on myself , and Tupac says “All eyes on me ”, a current flows down through my body , I feel like all the eyes of my classmates are on me , whenever Eminem says “I am rap god ” and I throw another tub full of water on myself , the current again flows down , this time with more intensity , and I feel like I am the god of academics , as if everybody is looking towards me and my achievement with astonishment and saying that they have never seen such a man before , the rap songs continue one after other while I am taking my bath , and every time with heightened intensity , the intensity reaches it’s peak when I have almost finished the bathing . Now you must be wondering , dear diary , what is the connection of this ego-tendency (or whatever you call it …) within me specifically with the academics ? , the answer is , No connection , yes there is no as such connection , it’s just that I have chosen academics as a way to satisfy that tendency , I may well have chosen another way , only the way would have been changed , but the ego remains the same . My brother , for example , has chosen the way of “Physical appearance ” , and thus , satisfies his tendency by going gym , wearing clothes in accordance with current fashion , using scents and focusing on his hairstyles, etc. , Let me tell you a funny thing , my brother , after coming from gym , literally spends almost an hour looking at his biceps and triceps from different angle and clicking pictures , then spends next half an hour looking just at the pictures of himself , and smiling slightly for no reason. All my relatives and family members praise me that I put my attention in studies , and upbraid my brother for wasting his time in futile activities , but tell me , dear diary , isn’t me and my brother the same ? only the “way” of satisfying the ego is different , but even with different ways , isn’t that both want to reach the same destination ?

Goodnight

Yours Akshat

2nd November 2025

You must have been bored by my previous writing because of it’s too bookish a nature ; but I have no option other than to tell you my musings , because I cannot tell these thoughts to anybody other than you , dear diary , because telling other people about my weaknesses will mean shattering of my ego , and with it , shattering of my false image which I have made in their eyes from years.

From last month , nothing interests me- nothing! , I am tired of this mundane existence , my friends say that I am behaving like a stranger to them from some time!, they ask , where is that Akshat gone , which used to take part in our games and trivial talks ? why Akshat nowadays just comes to school , doesn’t talk to anyone unnecessarily , waits for the last bell to ring , and then goes home silently ? what they don’t understand is that Akshat of past didn’t “knew” , Akshat of present “know” !

Yours Akshat

7th November 2025

Do we really live a free life ? of course we live in a democratic country , where we are given freedom and basic human rights, but the question I am still brooding over from few days is : are we really free ? “Oh, what kind of silly question is that ! of course we are free ” , I know you must be thinking that , but you will understand what I want to say , dear , when you look close into the actions of today’s man , are those actions really “ his ” actions ? are those actions not …

Enough talk about society , let me talk about “myself” now , I am a slave! , slave of my own ego , whenever I want to turn left but society praises the one who turns right ,then my ego forces me to turn right side , I am not free ! I wanted to freely express myself and behave in “X” way , but society likes and gives appraisal to the person who behaves in “Y” way , then my own ego , yes! , not the society but my own ego forces me to behave in “Y” way , because it’s only in the “Y ” that my ego can get appraisal of society and satisfaction , but what about me ? I wanted “X” , not “Y” …

That’s why I say , dear diary , I am a slave of my own ego , my soul is bounded by the chains of ego , and I can act , but only in accordance with my ego , not in accordance with “myself”. Ohh , only if you know how much I hate these false identities , it feels suffocating to be 24 ⊗ 7 in a mask , isn’t it ? I want to live in open air , take breath in open air , shed all my masks , accept my weaknesses , and publicly announces that yes , I am a human being , I can be weak , but every time I try to do that , ego comes in between , and every time- ego wins! , I can’t help it!

As always , on 5th November , different teachers have given different homework , and I , as always , continued leaving it for the next hour, at last , when the night arrived , I was very sad , immersed , or better say dipped in the river of guilt , “Enough!” , I said to myself , “that’s , enough , if I show carelessness towards something , I must get suitable punishment for that ! , I will not do homework tomorrow morning with the help of A.I , no matter whatever happens in class , I will be scolded by my teachers for the first time!, my true identity will be revealed to my friends for the first time , doesn’t matter! , let me get the suitable punishment ” , and with firm determination (and apprehension) , I went to bed to sleep . I wake up at 6:00 am in the morning (generally I used to wake up at 7:00 am but I don’t know how my eyes opened one hour earlier that day !) , and with firm determination decided to not to do homework . I went into the veranda and sat on a chair , after the five minutes of peace started plethora of disturbance in my mind , arguments started coming in my mind for doing homework , “leaving homework isn’t a good thing” , “You can apply this law from tomorrow , but at least do your homework now ”, and all type of such arguments. I kept resisting the arguments , “No , Akshat no no! , I will not let you do the homework today ! you will get what you deserve!” , I kept on fighting with myself , but after an hour or so , I just can’t stop myself ! I felt like I have been carried on by some great force ! , my limbs , my arms , my whole body was not in my control , and while continually saying in mind “No , Akshat no! ” , I started walking towards study table with heavy steps , and finally , im mersed in shame and guilt , did my homework by the use of AI , I lost , my enemy within me won! ”

Yours Akshat

10th November 2025

I can’t ! , I just can’t win. Nothing changed! two more days have passed , I continued doing a firm determination at night , and then shamefully breaking it myself! and if the things will go on as usual , I can tell you even now that I will continue to maintain this streak of losses even up to the last day of school , why school? , let’s say , until the last day of my life! Nothing changes!!

Yours Akshat

Mumma , mumma cried the baby ;

I want to change my color to blue.

She ran from the rose to daisy ;

All that in the search of a clue.

12th November 2025

Dear diary, a very funny dream came to me last night! and I thought to share it with you lest it get lost from my memory . A baby chameleon was crying and trying hard to change her colour to blue , but in spite of all her efforts , she sometimes turned red , sometimes green , sometimes orange , but never blue ! she cried , and asked her mother to tell her the technique to turn to blue , but her mother ignored her every time with indifference , she kept on crying , trying very hard , but was unable to turn blue. Sometimes very weird dreams occur to you.

Yours Akshat

25th November 2025

It’s a sort of bad faith , yes! you yourself make other people belief in your false identity created by you yourself , and you make sure that others have a sort of “faith” in your false identity , and that’s why you never act freely , whenever in presence of others , you always feel a pressure to act in accordance with that false identity , so that your ego may be satisfied , but this false identity , this bad faith is one of the reason why today’s man feel a sort of sickness , a discomfort , a “nausea”, a feeling of constant uneasiness , because you live constantly in fear lest your false identity is shattered , you feel insecure , you always have to wear the mask , you feel suffocated in the mask , you want to live freely and …

Anyways , the things carried onwards , I as usual continued loosing to ego , but three days ago , I decided to not to loose at any cost , and I succeeded! , yes! I can’t believe it myself! maybe what mattered was not to give up , to constantly fight with ego , maybe that’s what mattered , anyways , I went that day to school without doing my homework , my legs were trembling with fear , the weather was fair , the sky was clear , I reached the school and sat down on a table next to my friend , the teacher came , my heart started beating fastly , the teacher took the attendance and then he asked students to put their home work copy on his desk , then he asked the students who have not done home work to come out , there were 5 of us , when you are in a group , you feel a sense of security , I was not the only one , after all! , when the teacher saw me in the group , he was amazed for some time , he asked me :

“Akshat , why haven’t you done the homework?”

I remained silent , looking downwards onto the plain floor of classroom , uttering not a single word , I just didn’t knew what to say!

He seemed confused for a moment , and then , after sometime , asked me to sit down, and to take care of myself and my health. that’s how dear diary , I was at least saved on the first day of my “rebellion”.

Two more days passed this way , I went school without doing homework (since again , I was careless enough to not to do it myself!), and the teacher ignored me without saying much , but today, when again I went without doing my homework , he asked me:

“ Akshat , what’s the matter?”

I remained silent.

“Akshat , are you listening , what’s the matter with you ?”

“I … hmm … I …”

I was unable to speak! my lips were trembling , my face was full of sweat.

“I repeat for the last time , I am asking you something ”

“I…I…just didn’t completed the homework , I just didn’t felt like doing it!”

Mr. Dilip (my teacher) was astonished :

“what do you mean by you didn’t felt like doing it ? you are a brilliant student right ? , you are class head ?, you complete all your work on time , right?

“I am sorry sir , but most of that work wasn’t done by me!”

“What , then who did it ?” , asked mr. Dilip.

“I most of the time copied it from internet sources ”,I felt the floor drifting through my legs as I said this , for some time , I was like a statue , unable to move , shaking throughout the body , fixing my looks on the floor.

Whispering and murmuring started across the class, everybody was astonished and was looking at me with wide eyes.

“What do you mean ? you were making fool of me from last five month! , and I used to give your example in other classes!” , only I know how I was able to stop my tears that time , he continued “enough has been said , come with me now ” , I started walking with heavy steps before him , he took me to the principal , she too was astonished , she had listened a great deal about me from many teachers , she was unable to believe it , and then , she called my parents , and then started the toughest phase of my life I ever had! , I was bombarded with taunts , scolding and upbraiding from all the sides , other teachers also joined ! , all that ended some quarter of an hour! , After much upbraiding, advices followed, I was finally allowed to go back to the class in the recess , there , everybody started questioning me , “Akshat , we used to consider you brilliant ” , “Why you lied to us” , and all such comments. The irony was , these all , who were asking me theses questions , were on the same pattern of lying and indulging in bad faith , but will never ask the same questions to themselves!

I came home , broken and shattered , closed my door and then cried incessantly , wrapped in the quilt inside my room ,sleep overcame me , I slept like a log for three hours straight , and then was awaken by my mother for evening snacks and tea , I washed my face , took my snacks , and went to the rooftop terrace.

I came home , broken and shattered , closed my door and then cried incessantly , wrapped in the quilt inside my room ,sleep overcame me , I slept like a log for three hours straight , and then was awaken by my mother for evening snacks and tea , I washed my face , took my snacks , and went to the rooftop terrace.

I was then feeling quite in my senses , quite fresh after sleep , the sun was setting , giving red dish colour to to the sky, birds were flying in circles , the whether was fair , I reflected upon the happenings of today , yes I was humiliated , yes , something was shattered within me , giving me immense pain , but isn’t that what I wanted ? To live in truth , to live without masks , was not freedom my ultimate desire ? , to live completely free , to behave in whatever way you want , to behave in a way that is right (if you choose to be rightful!) not caring about society , isn’t that what I wanted ? But such a high price of taking the responsibility! , such a high price of living in freedom! was the price worth paying , dear diary , or have I done a mistake ?

Goodnight

Yours Akshat