It gets worse

Why does it hurt? Why does it still hurt? Does time truly heal, or do we just get used to the feeling?

I’ve been trying to “fix” myself everyday — working on my goals, looking at the positives in life, showing up; yet I’m not able to do any of those things. I don’t know what I want to do anymore, I’m still stuck in the past, and I don’t have it in me to be there for others.

Photo by Samuel Myles on Unsplash

I stopped writing, I don’t make plans with my family and friends, I keep deactivating my Instagram account, I haven’t slept a good night’s sleep in 4 months, I don’t enjoy my work, and I constantly think about the “what ifs”.

I’ve always preached about positivity and shifting your mindset during periods of turmoil, but how does one do it? If you ask me, and not to be a bummer, but I don’t think it’s possible.

I still believe in living a happy life and achieving inner peace, but I don’t think the right way of getting there is by forcing yourself to do something now, because it’s going to get better in the future.

Photo by Click and Learn Photography on Unsplash

Confused? Me too. All I’m saying is, don’t give up on life, but also don’t pressurise yourself to heal from experiences you’re facing for the first time (or even the hundredth). I’ve been trying to understand my thoughts and emotions since a few months now, but I can’t. I read various books on self improvement and personal growth, and I can’t figure out a way to feel better? Ugh. Makes me feel worse about myself.

And maybe it’s meant to be that way. No silver lining, no ‘everything happens for a reason’, just the most raw and heart-wrenching feelings. Instead of thinking about getting better or feeling better, spend time with the lowest version of you, give it all your attention — no ulterior motive.

Photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash

Someone (very dear to me) once said, “I feel like I’m at war with myself”. I couldn’t understand what they meant at the time and begrudgingly chose to walk away, but with each passing day, I get it. I finally get it.

So, I wish I could tell you it gets better and to put yourself out there, but I can’t. Until you don’t sit with these uncomfortable feelings, let them completely overwhelm you and shake up your system, you’re getting nowhere. It only gets worse.

Happy crying.

Love, A.