Is Change Possible?

In my e-book, “Why Wasn’t I Enough?”, I addressed the most frequently asked questions about affairs. While I covered the questions that were most common at the time, new ones always emerge. As time passes, the questions people ask evolve. One of the recurring questions I hear is, “Can he change?” Many of you wrestle with this question, hoping it’s possible while wondering if it will ever actually happen.

I believe that change is possible. Your husband or wife can change. You’ve already witnessed changes as a result of the affair. The affair was a change in a direction you didn’t want. The issue, however, is that these changes aren’t the ones you were hoping for. The change you want is different, and getting your partner to desire and work toward those changes is where the challenge lies. It’s always easier to ask whether change is possible than it is to face the deeper question of why the changes you want haven’t happened yet. If you dig deeper, consider what is stopping those changes from happening.

It’s easier to give up than to do the work needed for real change. But the first step is to stay open to the possibility that change is achievable. Once you mentally accept the mindset that change is not possible, you shut off possibilities. If you’ve already decided in your mind that change isn’t possible, you’ve essentially given up on the idea of it. As President John F. Kennedy once said, “One person can make a difference, and everyone should try.” If one person can make a difference in the world, surely one spouse can make a difference in a marriage.

While you may still hope for change, you need to give yourself permission to believe that change is possible. I know this challenges your current mindset. When you approach your marriage with the belief that things will never change, mental barriers go up, and they’ll prevent you from seeing any opportunities for progress. If you don’t believe change is possible, you’ll overlook the subtle signs that change is happening — both in yourself and in your partner.

Your mindset makes all the difference in recovering from the affair. Change also requires you to let go of the things keeping you stuck. One of the most significant of those is unforgiveness and resentment. The longer you hold onto these feelings, the less likely you are to see positive changes. Holding on to grudges may give you a sense of power, but that power comes at a cost. It blocks the potential for something better to unfold.

In my video, “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear Down the Wall, and Remove the Roadblocks”, I walk through the process of releasing what’s keeping you emotionally and mentally stuck. If you’re unsure of what to do next and are ready to move forward, click and download the video to see what’s holding you back from embracing change.

Keeping It Real,

Jeff