Why Hogwarts Would Never Survive a New York State Audit

A review of student safety, and institutional accountability at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Have you ever wondered how the educational institutions in Harry Potter actually function?

More specifically, have you ever wondered why Harry and his friends seem to know more about what’s happening at Hogwarts than the faculty responsible for supervising them?

If not, I have.

Warning: Spoilers ahead.

In this light-hearted article, we’ll examine reporting requirements, supervision, faculty accountability, and student safety at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry through the lens of New York State education law.

They Allowed Lord Voldemort Access to Students in Nearly Every Movie

Let’s start with the obvious.

Lord Voldemort — the primary antagonist of the series — gains direct or indirect access to Hogwarts students in virtually every installment except the third.

This includes possession, infiltration, faculty placement, resurrection plots, and, eventually, open warfare on campus.

Why?

Because Hogwarts appears to have adopted a student supervision model best described as “good luck.”

Throughout the series, students routinely engage in dangerous confrontations with minimal adult intervention. Examples include Harry’s use of the Sectumsempra curse against Draco Malfoy and the Fiendfyre incident in the Room of Requirement.

When Harry nearly kills Draco, Professor Snape intervenes and saves his life. Beyond that, consequences appear limited.

In New York, a student seriously injuring another student would trigger investigations, documentation requirements, parental notifications, and likely law-enforcement involvement.

At Hogwarts, it mostly triggers another chapter.

The Triwizard Tournament Probably Ends Several Careers

In Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, a professor secretly turns the Triwizard Cup into a Portkey, transporting a student to a graveyard where a dark wizard intends to murder him and return to power.

This raises several questions.

First: Why was an unsupervised maze considered an appropriate school activity?

Second: Why was a magical transportation device connected directly to a homicide scene?

Third: Who approved the field trip paperwork?

The answer appears to be nobody.

Background Checks Would Have Helped

Across the series, Hogwarts repeatedly hires individuals with direct connections to Lord Voldemort.

This includes Quirrell, Barty Crouch Jr. masquerading as Moody, Dolores Umbridge, Severus Snape, and Amycus Carrow.

At a certain point, this stops looking like bad luck and starts looking like a hiring practice.

In New York, public-school employees undergo background checks and fingerprinting before employment.

Would that have prevented every incident at Hogwarts?

Probably not.

Would it have improved the school’s record of accidentally employing dark wizards?

Almost certainly.

Professor Moody Turned a Student Into a Ferret

Yes, this happened.

A faculty member transformed Draco Malfoy into a mustelidae in front of other students.

The scene is played for laughs, but if a teacher in New York physically humiliated a student in front of their peers, the district would likely be conducting a very serious investigation.

At Hogwarts, it is treated as a memorable teaching moment.

Professor Lockhart Removed the Bones From a Student’s Arm

In Chamber of Secrets, Professor Lockhart attempts to heal Harry’s broken arm and instead removes all of the bones.

All of them.

Harry does not consent to the procedure, and Lockhart remains employed until later events reveal him to be a fraud.

In New York, practicing medicine without appropriate licensure tends to attract regulatory attention.

At Hogwarts, it appears to qualify as a learning experience for both the student and the teacher.

The Chamber of Secrets

Also in the second movie, a 60+ foot long snake is released in the school and physically petrifies students.

While there was talk of closing the school, it remained open for the remainder of the year, allowing for a student to be taken by Lord Voldemort into the Chamber.

There was zero faculty intervention. None.

The one faculty member who was directly involved was, in fact, pushed down a 50+ foot deep hole in the floor in the girls lavatory.

In fact, it came down to three twelve year olds to save the school and its students from destruction and death.

Final Thoughts

The Harry Potter series is ultimately a story about extraordinary students solving extraordinary problems.

Because the story follows Harry’s perspective, adult intervention is often limited so the protagonists can remain the protagonists.

That’s good storytelling.

It is, however, a terrible school safety plan.

Viewed through the lens of modern educational policy, Hogwarts is less a school and more a recurring liability event with a castle attached.