A Social Life? Hell No.

Photo by Helena Lopes on Unsplash

Being homeless and living in your car can be very lonely. You seem to disappear off the face of the earth, wandering the public spaces like a ghost in search of its unfinished business. No one wants to talk to you, much less hang out with you. And other homeless people can be a mixed bag of desperation, mental illness, addiction, and danger.

For me, the majority of my social life has been with my family members. I’ve spent time with my brother and sister-in-law on a semi-regular basis. But even that isn’t enough. My friends that I would have over for D&D nights or the ones I worked with at my last job rarely contact me. I could contact them instead, but I’m so worried about my day-to-day survival that I often don’t think about it. Also, the object permanence issue with ADHD also affects me. If I don’t see someone on a regular basis, I forget they exist.

Most of my social interactions are with restaurant employees and customers I Door Dash with. Those are usually only a greeting, asking for the order, saying thank you for the order, and leaving. And when I deliver the food, most of the time people just want it left on their porch. I rarely ever see a customer.

So how can I have social interactions that are meaningful and have potential for long term friendship? I would have to plan to find places to hang out and have interactions. That would require me to have some money and present myself as interesting to talk to. I’ve never been good at initiating conversations. I hate small talk and most people are very boring and uninteresting. Finding places to be where people who are interesting and have similar interests as me is difficult.

And dating? Not even in the equation. Not to sound incel-y, but no woman would date a homeless guy with no money and who sleeps in his car. Not to mention my personal issues: autistic, overweight, bad skin, broken teeth, lymphedemic leg, messed up feet, and very little dating experience. A woman would have to be almost saintly to roll their dice with me.

To be honest, I’ve given up finding romantic love a long time ago. It’s too hard for me to overcome my issues to be of any value to any woman. Instead, I yearn after Instagram models, TikTokers, and almost every woman on r/redheads. I’ve accepted the fact that I will never experience romantic love in this lifetime. It’s a shame, too. I think, mentioned flaws aside, that I would be a great partner. I see these great women stay with men who couldn’t give any more of a shit about them and it pains me. But, I digress.

I have accepted that being social is not really in the cards for me anymore. I am checked out of the social part of our society along with the systems and institutions that I’ve rejected. I’m destined to walk the world for the rest of my days alone, yearning for a day when someone would look past all of the things I’m experiencing and see that I’m a good person to socialize with.