the tendency of becoming what you’ve always hated

the tendency of becoming what you’ve always hated

As humans, we tend to forget about the things we swore we wouldn’t dare do because we saw how bad it has ruined different people — be it our loved ones or just a random stranger living on the streets. Because of that, it begs the question “Why do we end up becoming the very thing we vowed to avoid?”

For some it was cheating, drugs, and the like. But for me, it’s the things that my family does that I’ve always hated.

As a child, I bore witness to my father’s cruelty when he was drunk, and more often than not, it escalated into heated arguments with my mother. I endured the relentless exchange of screaming and curses whenever my mother had a bad day. Coughing from the rancid smoke that my brother carelessly exhaled. How forced my sister’s smiles and enthusiasm is to someone she sees randomly on the street.

I hated all of it.

And yet, here I am — seemingly inheriting the very same vices. I’ve succumb to my father’s alcoholism. I’m now smoking packs like my brother. I’ve become as pretentious as my sister. And I’ve taken on my mother’s temper.

I understand it now.

Liquor numbs my heart and brain and allows me to forget. Every cigarette, every blunt, and every puff of vape seems to steady my nerves. Playing pretend with people keeps conflict at bay. And the reality that the things that happens to us as well as the people that we are surrounded by really do affect us in ways we don’t always realize.

Growing up also means coming to terms with their struggles. Perhaps, no matter how damaging those habits were, they served as their lifeline — what helped them survive each passing day.

Though it makes me wonder, how exactly are we any different from the people whose actions we once loathed?

Perhaps the difference lies in perspective. We’ve seen firsthand how they coped, how their actions took a toll on their lives and eventually on ours.

The difference is that we can take their experiences as cautionary tales — and let that serve as a reminder to set boundaries for ourselves and reflect on the paths we are treading.

The possibility of us being hated, just as we once hated the grownups, is inevitable.

But at the end of the day, it is always within our power to choose: to be better than them or be exactly like them.

In the end, breaking free is not about denying where we come from but deciding who we want to become.